I Love Television™ 

Hate Watch!

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Frankly, I don'T understand why you guys enjoy "hate watching" shows. (The term apparently means that you despise the mechanics of a particular show, but you can't stop watching for reasons you can't explain—which makes absolutely no fawking sense to me... but I've never really been able to figure out why you do the things you do, so I'm not even gonna try. I'm just gonna finish out the day chugging a nice tall tumbler or two of bourbon and call it good.)

If you ask me, your "hate watching" habits sound suspiciously familiar to your so-called "guilty pleasure" habits. (Where you're desperately ashamed of a particular show, yet regularly watch and perhaps even masturbate to it.) Here are just a few of the "hate watching" shows I've heard many of you mention: Aaron Sorkin's The Newsroom (UNGGHHH! So terrible!), Glee (please say you don't), Game of Thrones (oh, don't argue... you know it's the worst!), Girls (waitasecond... that's actually good!), The Bachelor and/or The Bachelorette (boooooo!!), any show about hoarding (sick!), and the crown jewel of terrible TV, Grey's Anatomy (for the love of God, make it stop!!).

LOOK. You don't have to justify your behavior by calling it "hate watching"—sometimes your overworked brain needs a break from all the "intelligent" shows you scrutinize on a daily basis. (Psst! We both know that's a lie. The last "intelligent" show you watched was Reading Rainbow.) That being said, here are a few "hate-worthy" shows on TV this week. Go on... hate 'em!

The Quest (ABC, Thurs July 31, 8 pm). In their continuing "quest" (heh. GET IT?!?) to attract the drooling nerd demographic, ABC is introducing a new reality show where contestants dress up like Middle-earth knights (don't laugh) who are sent on a quest to fight ogres and dragons (seriously... stop snickering) in a mysterious fantasy land (okay, fine... laugh it up). I will pay someone $50 if they crash the competition wearing a Darth Vader costume.

Sharknado 2: The Second One (Syfy, Wed July 30, 9 pm). The first Sharknado—wherein freak tornadoes drop an ass-load of starving sharks onto a frantic populace, including "Academy Award winners" Ian Ziering and Tara Reid—was an inexplicable hit. Now these greedy sharks are back in an unsurprising sequel and ready to mercilessly devour Ian, Tara, and a new batch of D-list actors such as Vivica A. Fox, and Sugar Ray frontman Mark McGrath. (Eat him first!!)

Partners (FX, Mon Aug 4, 9 pm). This one's so bad, it's not even "good bad." Kelsey Grammer (who's a total jerk Republican, by the way) teams up with a completely embarrassed and deflated Martin Lawrence (oh, how the mighty have fallen) in this ungodly bad sitcom about two very different lawyers who come together to create their own firm. Hijinx ensue, and then hijinx sue because they're so embarrassed by this crappy-ass show. This show is so bad, even a Sharknado wouldn't eat it. This show is so bad, The Quest went on a quest to find something better to watch. This show is so bad, even hoarders refused to hoard it! (So... enjoy watching every episode!)

This Week on Television

WEDNESDAY, JULY 30

8:00 CW PENN & TELLER: FOOL US

Debut! Aspiring magicians try to freak out Penn and Teller... which sounds mostly impossible.

10:00 FX THE BRIDGE

Marco gets a new ally—hopefully one who won't murder him in his sleep.

THURSDAY, JULY 31

10:00 SUN THE HONORABLE WOMAN

Debut! An Anglo-Israeli daughter of an assassinated Zionist arms dealer tries to... okay, you've lost me.

10:00 IFC MARON

Season finale! An unsuccessful former pal of Marc's, who needed some help, dies. Cue crippling guilt!

FRIDAY, AUGUST 1

Midnight NETFLIX THE KILLING

Season premiere! The entire fourth season is debuting on Netflix for all you "hate watchers" out there!

SATURDAY, AUGUST 2

9:00 AMC HELL ON WHEELS

Season premiere! The series about old-timey Wild West railroad builders returns!

9:00 SYFY SHARKTOPUS VS. PTERACUDA—Movie

(2014) Featuring a hilarious cameo from Conan O'Brien, who gets his head eaten off, vomited out, and then used as a volleyball.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 3

10:00 AMC HALT AND CATCH FIRE

Season finale! Joe and Gordon prepare to ship their product, which unfortunately will be outdated in about 30 seconds.

10:00 FX THE STRAIN

Ansel takes drastic measures to protect his family, by adding garlic salt to everyone's gelato.

MONDAY, AUGUST 4

8:00 ABC BACHELOR IN PARADISE

Debut! All the Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants you hate return to give each other herpes.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 5

10:00 COM DRUNK HISTORY

The drunks go to Hollywood to recreate the feud between Orson Welles and William Randolph Hearst!

10:30 COM NATHAN FOR YOU

Nathan helps a dating website that needs more female users. Or rather, he doesn't help... at all.

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