Question: Do you despise "humanity"? Then boy-oh-boy-oh-boy, do I have a television show for you! It's called Zoo, and it's debuting Tuesday, June 30, at 9 pm on CBS. What's it about? Ohhhhh... nothing all that interesting... unless you think ANIMALS EATING THE BUTTHOLES OUT OF HUMANS ARE INTERESTING!!!
(Take a deeeeep breath, Humpy. Don't get overcome by your unbridled enthusiasm for ANIMALS EATING THE BUTTHOLES OUT OF HUMANS OHBOYOHBOYOHBOY!!!!)
Ahem. Sorry. Sorry. According to the press release from CBS, Zoo is based on the 2012 James Patterson novel of the same name, starring Mad Men's James Wolk (Bob Benson!!!) as "renegade zoologist" (!!!) Jackson Oz who, along with an "off-kilter veterinarian" (???) and a comely female "French investigator" (!!!), discover a rash of strange animal attacks on human beings (read: butthole eatings) around the globe.
At first it's just African animals eating the buttholes out of tourists—which is not alarming at all, and pretty much par for the course. BUT THEN! Then the animal attacks mysteriously spread to other parts of the world, where animals don't ordinarily eat buttholes, and people don't regularly have their buttholes eaten. (Note that I said, "regularly.") And renegade zoologist Jackson Oz is all like, "Oh, that's weird... I remember my dead father had some controversial theories about how the human race would eventually get their buttholes eaten by animals. I wonder if there's a connection?"
Anyway (at least according to the unintentionally HEEEELARIOUS trailer for the series) it's no longer just bored African lions eating buttholes... now it's a pack of American domesticated dogs cornering people and impolitely requesting buttholes for dinner! Then a tree full of cats are shown staring lustfully at a lady's butthole—which is protected by only a pair of thin slacks! After that, bears are shown thinking to themselves, "Finally! A legitimate excuse to eat human buttholes!" And a gorilla is all like, "Ugh. Humans are so like us. Do I really have to eat their buttholes?" YES, YOU DO!
Basically, if this 13-episode series is as insanely terrible as it looks? I'm giving it my highest recommendation, and hereby proclaiming it "the guiltiest pleasure of the summer!" That is, if it also includes the following...
ADD MORE WIENER DOGS TO THE MIX. I've discussed this here before, but it's worth repeating: Wiener dogs are the most terrifying animals on the planet. They're insanely insecure—thanks to their disgustingly long, weird bodies—and use their low-slung stature to swoop in from behind, and bite the shit out of ankles. (Yes, this has happened to me.) They're like the sharks of the dog world! "Okay...," I hear you say, "but if they're so small, how are they going to eat people's buttholes?" NOT MY PROBLEM. Rest assured wiener dogs are evil, and will find a way.
DEVELOP STATE-OF-THE-ART BUTTHOLE PROTECTION. To stop this rampaging horde of butthole-eaters, science should develop state-of-the-art butthole protection... like maybe a steel plate glued to a buttplug? It's just an idea... think of something better if you're so goddamn smart.
USE THE WORD "BUTTHOLE" IN THE SCRIPT AT LEAST 17 TIMES. Hey, if I can do it... so can they.
This Week on Television
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 24
10:00 ABC CELEBRITY WIFE SWAP
Rockers Vince Neil and Gunnar Nelson swap wives—and neither of the ladies notice much difference.
10:00 USA MR. ROBOT
Debut! A psychological thriller about a cyber-security dude and the hacker that hacks his heart!
THURSDAY, JUNE 25
8:00 FOX BOOM!
Debut! Contestants must deactivate a slime bomb with correct trivia answers, or... BOOM.
9:00 CBS UNDER THE DOME
Season premiere! Let's check and see if these guys are... yep, still under the dome!
FRIDAY, JUNE 26
9:00 SYFY KILLJOYS
The Killjoy gang goes up against a vengeful warlord, who sounds like his joy got killed a long time ago.
9:00 SHO DENNIS RODMAN'S BIG BANG IN PYONGYANG
A documentary about Rodman's trip to North Korea—and the shitstorm that ensued.
SATURDAY, JUNE 27
9:00 DSC MEGA BURG
Scientists look for the biggest iceberg EVER! (Spoiler alert: It already melted. Saaaad tromboooone.)
SUNDAY, JUNE 28
9:00 HBO TRUE DETECTIVE
The results are in for Ben Caspar's autopsy, aaaand... well, you might want to postpone dinner.
9:00 AMC HUMANS
Debut! William Hurt stars in this sci-fi drama about humans and their too-human robot companions.
MONDAY, JUNE 29
9:00 HBO LARRY KRAMER IN LOVE AND ANGER
A searing documentary about the playwright who galvanized the LGBTQ community.
TUESDAY, JUNE 30
8:00 FOX BEAT THE CHAMPIONS
Debut! Amateur athletes attempt to beat pro sports stars, with hilarious, embarrassing results.
9:00 CBS ZOO
Debut! A bunch of stupid animals decide to... hey! Stop eating my butthole!!