I'M BOYCOTTING the Oscars, guys!
I know, I know: "Whatever will the Oscars do if Humpy doesn't watch them this year? They'll be ruined!" Nevertheless, I feel like someone needs to make a stand against the Sandra Bullocks of the world. As you may have heard, Sandra Bullock has been nominated for a Best Actress Award for her role in The Blind Side, in which she plays a rich honky who adopts a black kid that eventually turns out to be a successful football player. Rich honkies, whatever would black people do without you??THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!!! (Okay, I'm temporarily shutting down my sarcasm machine, because it's starting to overheat.)
Now I'm sorry, but I just cannot believe in or support any award system that would consider giving anything to Sandra Bullock—unless we're talking about a case of the clap. "Jesus Christ... okay. Fine. Humpy, why don't you tell us why you have such a problem with Sandra Bullock." Thank you, I will do just that!
First of all, Sandra Bullock has a mustache. (Ouch. Maybe I shouldn't have led off with that... but it's true.) Speed is one of my favorite movies, and yet? I totally get grossed out watching Keanu Reeves french that big booshy mustache! IT'S GROSS, GUYS. Secondly, Sandra Bullock has made no less than THREE guest appearances on the George Lopez show—in this century!! (Though I could easily rest my case right here, I shall continue.) Thirdly, she is in seven out of 10 of all romantic comedies Hollywood produces—which means if I want to score some 'tang, I have to sit through at least seven of her steaming piles of romcom crap a year! GOD!! (And then, when I'm having sex, all I can think about is her booshy mustache!) BLECCH!! GROSS!! GOD!!
So yeah, I don't like Sandra Bullock. And if the Oscars think giving her a nomination is more important than me sitting on the couch in stained Underoos eating a bowl of M&M's and Cheetos while watching their ceremonies—well, then... okay! I'll just watch something else this week that is so much more awesome! Such as!
• Saturday Night Live (NBC, Sat March 6, 11:30 pm). You know who's hosting this week? Zach Mothereffing Galifianakis (only one of my favorite comedians in the world)! I love him in The Hangover, I love him in the web series Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis, and I love that his beard and mustache aren't as pronounced as Sandra Bullock's.
• High Society (CW, Wed March 10, 9:30 pm). Yay! Another reality show about rich white honkies. Except instead of adopting black kids and turning them into football players, these wealthy whities spend all their time squirting booze in their mouths and coke up their snoots. (Which pursuit is more admirable? You be the judge.)
• Miss Turkey Trot and Miss Drumsticks Pageants (TLC, Tues March 9, 10 pm). A behind-the-scenes look at the actual Miss Turkey Trot and Miss Drumsticks Pageants held annually in Yellville, Arkansas. Expect small-town rivalries, hilarious hillbilly-isms, and the best-looking women Yellville has to offer. I'd say it wasn't anything like Sandra Bullock's Miss Congeniality, but there are probably mustaches in this one, too.
THURSDAY, MARCH 4
9:00 NBC THE OFFICE
Pam delivers her baby, and Michael has an interesting idea on what to do with the placenta.
10:00 NBC MARRIAGE REF
Tina Fey and Eva Longoria Parker help settle marriage disagreements. "That's a deal breaker!"
FRIDAY, MARCH 5
9:00 HBO THE RICKY GERVAIS SHOW
Tonight's topics: the merits of space travel, Karl's choice of superpowers, and (yay!) "Monkey News."
10:00 E! THE SOUP AWARDS
Joel McHale hosts this ceremony celebrating the most hilariously humiliating TV moments.
SATURDAY, MARCH 6
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Zach Galifianakis! Zach Galifianakis! Zach Galifianakis! Zach Galifianakis!
SUNDAY, MARCH 7
5:30 ABC THE ACADEMY AWARDS
Tonight's lifetime achievement award will be presented to Sandra Bullock's mustache.
9:00 HBO BIG LOVE
Season finale! It's almost election day, and Bill (smartly) reconsiders exposing his secret to the world.
MONDAY, MARCH 8
9:00 CW GOSSIP GIRL
Nate and Serena consider moving from a "platonic" relationship into a "WTF??" relationship.
9:00 FOX 24
Thank god, some comic relief! NewsRadio's Stephen Root appears as a super-annoying parole officer.
TUESDAY, MARCH 9
9:00 ABC LOST
"Bong! Bong! Paging Dr. Linus!" Wait... what??
10:00 OXY BAD GIRLS CLUB
Season finale! The bad girls decide to go out with a bang with a "bikini parade/hair extension-pulling contest."
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 10
8:00 CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL
A new gaggle of wannabes face Tyra and new panel judge Perez Hilton? EWW!
9:30 CW HIGH SOCIETY
Debut! Tonight's episode: An AIDS benefit party goes horribly wrong. (This show is gonna be great!!)