IMAGINE ME NUDE. Go ahead, I don't mind. But don't dink around! Really imagine it! Picture every contour, every vein, every floppy appendage of my stark-naked body. Got a good picture in your mind? Good. Now, in your imagination, is my nudeness wildly attractive? Do my taut, finely hewn muscles glisten and throb? Is my body so sexy, so incredibly attractive that it would make the pope snub a choirboy? WHAT DO YOU MEAN "NO"?!??!?? Are you trying to tell me I'm FAT?? That when you picture me naked, the copious amounts of blubber around my midsection either scrape the floor (when I'm stationary) or smack me in the chin (when I'm galloping toward the refrigerator)? HOW... DARE... YOU!! I'm never gonna let you picture me nude again!!
I'll have you know I am in peak physical condition.* I can run nearly three-quarters of a mile, do roughly 12 push-ups (MILITARY STYLE), and as for pull-ups—well, I'm not so great at pull-ups. But unless you're dangling from a bridge, there's no need for pull-ups anyway. In fact, when naked, I closely resemble Michelangelo's David (with a bigger wang, of course). So it's really surprising you'd think I'm a tub of lard. IT'S BECAUSE OF THE TV THING, ISN'T IT?? You think all I do all day is sit around on my honey-baked ham, watch television, and cram my piehole with Ding Dongs (the pastry, not the other thing).
WELL, YOU'RE WRONG!! While I may consume a lot of TV, most of what I watch involves VERY strenuous physical activity. For example: Glee! Not only do I dance and sing along with the kids, I also furiously masturbate during the commercials. (The trick is to stretch out first.) Example 2: Dancing with the Stars. No, I'm not doing any actual "dancing." However, I do work up quite a sweat while viciously kicking my television. (Between this show and American Idol, I'm going through four TV sets a week! Which means a lot of walking to Best Buy and lifting new TVs off the shelf. Dude, I'm buff.)
And there's a brand-new show debuting this week, which promises to make me even more physically fit (if that's possible). It's called Ultimate Parkour Challenge (MTV, debuts Thurs May 6, 10:30 pm) in which six parkour champions challenge themselves to increasingly difficult tests of skill. Parkour involves a lot of hopping, sprinting, flipping, and climbing—turning ordinary buildings, stairways, and rooftops into extreme obstacle courses. It's kind of like watching superheroes in action, without the unbecoming spandex. So if you like to watch hot guys doing amazing physical stunts, check it out!
And you can bet I'll be watching and doing a little parkour of my own. First I'll do a backflip off the couch, followed by somersaults through the living room, and landing on the kitchen table. Then a corkscrew dive over the dishwasher ending in three forward rolls, which will take me to the refrigerator where I will devour three Totino's frozen pizzas, a bottle of hooch, and seven Ding Dongs. And oh yes! I WILL be nude!
THURSDAY, MAY 6
9:00 NBC THE OFFICE
When Michael decides his girlfriend is cheating on him, he unwisely sends Dwight to snoop on her.
10:30 MTV ULTIMATE PARKOUR CHALLENGE
Debut! The parkour champs take on the Queen Mary. (The ship... not the queen.)
FRIDAY, MAY 7
8:00 NBC FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS
Season premiere! The show everyone—except for me—loves is returning for another inexplicably popular season.
SATURDAY, MAY 8
9:00 SYFY MONGOLIAN DEATH WORM—Movie
(2010) Treasure hunters busting into Genghis Khan's tomb run into a bit of trouble in the form of an (eww) Mongolian Death Worm.
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Musical guest: Jay-Z! Host: Internet darling and Golden Girls hottie, Betty White!
SUNDAY, MAY 9
8:00 CBS AMAZING RACE
Season finale! The final three teams race from Shanghai to San Francisco to claim a $1 million prize and instant anonymity.
10:00 AMC BREAKING BAD
Walt makes the unsettling discovery that one probably shouldn't piss off one of the most dangerous drug lords in America.
MONDAY, MAY 10
8:00 ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS
I just got an email from Bruno saying I'm not extending my leg enough while kicking the shit out of my television.
9:00 FOX 24
In an attempt to figure out who's behind the day's tragedies, Jack takes a tip from Sarah Palin and "goes rogue!"
TUESDAY, MAY 11
9:00 ABC LOST
Finally, Smocke (Smokey/Locke) reveals his true intentions. Good thing—there's only three episodes left!!
9:00 FOX GLEE
When Rachel develops laryngitis, she panics (while everyone else breathes a sigh of relief).
WEDNESDAY, MAY 12
8:00 CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL
Season finale! The final three models must compete to see who is the least worst in the always hilarious Covergirl commercial competition!
9:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL
Okay, it's the final four, and I've decided to man-up and watch the remaining episo... I CAN'T DO IT! I'M SORRY! I JUST CAN'T DO IT!!