FOR REASONS UNKNOWN, I'm often accused of using this television column to talk about everything except television. First of all, the name of this column is "I Love Television™" not "I Write About Television™" (although that's an awesome name for a television column, isn't it?). Secondly, there are other things in this world besides television, guys! Say for example, the Twilight series. Have you seen Eclipse yet? Aren't Jacob's abs AH-MAY-ZING? Isn't Edward a pasty-face fop? And isn't Bella the stupidest person in the world? Seriously, she spends the entire movie whining, "Edward! Change me into a vampire! Change me into a vampire!" Why should he? So she can nag the shit out of him for the rest of eternity? Bella would be, like, the worst vampire in the history of vampires—and yes, I'm including Count Chocula! At least he likes chocolate! Bella is stupid, doesn't like chocolate, and the only thing she sucks is a person's will to live.
Crap. Where was I? Oh yeah! I do so talk about television! Take for example a new show debuting this week called Covert Affairs (USA, Tuesday, July 13, 10 pm). Produced by the people who brought you The Bourne Identity, it stars hotsy-totsy Piper Perabo as a CIA newbie who's thrust into wildly dangerous missions... much in the same way Jacob was called in to fight that army of evil vampires attacking dipshit Bella. Seriously, I have NO IDEA what he sees in her! And Bella treats him like a plate of day-old gravy! BELLA! OPEN YOUR EYES, YOU IDIOT HAG! Jacob has a body that would make Jesus hop down off the cross and strangle a kitten! Umm... not to say that Jesus was a kitten strangler. It's a metaphor to demonstrate that even Jesus would like to bone Jacob. Hey, they both have great abs!
Shoot. I was talking about something earlier... oh! Television! It's the series finale of The Hills this week, you guys (MTV, Tuesday, July 13, 10 pm)! Tune in to find out if Spencer shaves his flesh beard, if Audrina gets her donkey teeth fixed, or if Kristin marries Brody and gives birth to a bunch of Chlamydia babies. At least she's not planning on marrying a vampire, which is just downright twi-tarded! Hey, Bella! Vampires can't get pregnant, you dingaling! Besides, why would you wanna have kids with Edward? He looks like Marcel Marceau's asthmatic cousin, Chad!
BUT! Back to television! Because that's what this column is about: TELEVISION. And if you watch one show this week, make it the heee-larious Grey's Anatomy parody, Childrens Hospital (Cartoon Network, Sunday, July 11, 10:30 pm). Based on the gut-busting web series, these all-new episodes are written by comedian Rob Corddry who plays a Patch Adams-style surgeon that wears clown makeup (which makes him look a LOT like serial killer Ed Gein). Plus there's tons of sex—because it's a children's hospital. Unfortunately there's ZERO sex in Eclipse, because Twilight author Stephenie Meyer is a Mormon, and Edward is an anemic nancy-lad, and Bella is a naggy bag of garbage, and... and... OMG. Look at Jacob's abs!! That's it! PASS ME THAT KITTEN.
THURSDAY, JULY 8
8:00 CBS BIG BROTHER
Season premiere! Yet another season of trashy people infecting a trashy house. (Did they at least clean out the hot tub?)
8:00 ABC WIPEOUT
Host (and gleeful sadist) John Henson invents his own obstacle for the show entitled the "Tramp-o-Mean." The imagination reels.
FRIDAY, JULY 9
10:00 MTV THE HILLS: FROM THE BEGINNING
A complete recap of what transpired during the entire series, which should take... oh, about seven-and-a-half minutes?
10:00 SYFY HAVEN
Debut! A new series based on a book by Stephen King about an FBI agent who stumbles into a supernatural hornets' nest.
SATURDAY, JULY 10
8:00 CBS THE BRIDGE
Debut! A cop fed up with accusations that the police are too violent becomes union president. (Note to fed-up cop: You have a gun. I don't.)
SUNDAY, JULY 11
10:00 A&E THE GLADES
Debut! A former Chicago cop is demoted to a backwater town in Florida, where crime and alligator hilarity ensue.
10:30 TOON CHILDRENS HOSPITAL
Debut! The gut-busting web series about a gang of very dysfunctional doctors hits the small screen. RECOMMENDED!
MONDAY, JULY 12
7:00 TOON SCOOBY-DOO: MYSTERY, INC.
Debut! Yet another incarnation of the classic cartoon featuring a pothead, his dog, a debutante, a lesbian, and (ahem) a guy with an ascot.
8:00 ABC THE BACHELORETTE
Ali and the final four bachelors return to the US, pack a change of clothes, drop by the STD clinic for another shot of penicillin, and then it's off to Tahiti!
TUESDAY, JULY 13
10:00 MTV THE HILLS
Series finale! Lauren returns... with an axe.
10:00 USA COVERT AFFAIRS
Debut! CIA trainee Annie Walker gets quickly promoted to the "ruthlessly killing people" department, and contemplates asking for a raise.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 14
10:00 HIS CHASING MUMMIES
Debut! Um, HELLO? Mummies don't run... they shamble. Sheesh.
10:00 USA PSYCH
Season premiere! Shawn and Gus are hired to track down the daughter of a Chinese crime boss in the adorable return of this adorable show.