AS A FATHER OF at least a couple dozen out-of-wedlock kids, I believe I can speak with some authority on the subject of child rearing. Tip #1: Don't call it "child rearing." It's disgusting. Tip #2: Children are much like amoebas in the brain department, and therefore only require two things: the right to (a) stay up all night and (b) eat as much candy as possible. Offer them a Zagnut bar or an hour less of sleep, and you can get them to wash your car for a year. Tip #3: Kids will believe everything you tell them. For example, my mother told me that when I was a baby, she implanted a microphone in my brain, which would let her know what I was thinking every minute of the day. This totally psyched me out, and even though I was pretty sure "brain microphones" were a scientific impossibility, it worked like a charm. My efforts at mischief became clumsy and insecure. For example, when I'd try to steal candy from the cupboard, I'd invariably make enough noise to alert my mom, who would hop out from around the corner yelling, "AH-HAH! Your brain microphone told me you'd be doing that!!"
But now I'm an adult, and I'm pretty sure my mom was joking about the brain microphone. On the other hand, she's remarkably accurate when it comes to details about my private life. For example, just last week, she calls me up on the telephone, and says, "I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN MASTURBATING. YOUR BRAIN MICROPHONE TOLD ME." And I was like, "Bull-plop, Mom! I'm 1,000 miles away! The brain microphone can't transmit that far!" And she was like, "Sure, maybe five years ago... but now I've got SATELLITE."
So anyway, I've come to accept that my mother knows whenever I'm masturbating. That's why I try to imagine the most awful, kinky things possible, so she'll get totally grossed out and stop listening in.
Oh, that reminds me! There are a couple of new shows debuting this week that have a lot to do with my mom, as well as my bizarre sex habits.
• Strange Sex (TLC, Sun July 18, 10 pm): The channel that regularly brings you dwarves, couples with eight children, and dwarves with eight children now casts its gaze on the always hard-to-sell topic of SEX. Check out such kinky fare as a 73-year-old grandma who likes banging 30-year-olds, a woman who tries to achieve orgasm during childbirth, and a man who imagines making love to a package of pimento loaf in order to gross out his mom (wait, that's me).
• Mary Knows Best (SYFY, Thurs July 15, 9 pm): This reality show documents the lives of psychic Mary Occhino, her husband, and her three wiseass kids. Mary's crazy mental powers allow her to predict the future and communicate with the dead, and—added bonus!—since she's a Long Island Italian American, she sounds exactly like Carmela Soprano, if she were able to read your every thought and accuse you of masturbating too much. NOTE TO MY MOM: You will never, ever be in a reality show with me.
THURSDAY, JULY 15
9:00 SYFY MARY KNOWS BEST
Debut! After reading her daughter's filthy mind, psychic mom Mary decides she'll be the one choosing her boyfriend.
10:00 SYFY FACT OR FAKED: PARANORMAL FILES
Debut! An ex-FBI agent and his team investigate paranormal cases and either debunk or bunk them. ("Bunk" is the opposite of "debunk," right?)
FRIDAY, JULY 16
8:00 NBC THE JENSEN PROJECT—Movie
(2010) Kellie Martin (Life Goes On) and LeVar Motherfucking Burton (needs no introduction) in a sci-fi movie co-starring LeVar Motherfucking Burton!
9:00 DSC MAN, WOMAN, WILD
Debut! A dude and his lady learn that jungle sex isn't as sexy when poisonous reptiles are involved.
SATURDAY, JULY 17
9:00 SYFY GOBLIN—Movie
(2010) A teenager must stop a hungry goblin from devouring her baby brother. Obviously, she's conflicted.
10:00 BIO CELEBRITY GHOST STORIES
Season premiere! D, E, and F-list celebs return to describe their mostly bull-plop ghost stories. Tonight: Joan Collins and Corey Feldman!
SUNDAY, JULY 18
9:00 HBO TRUE BLOOD
Sookie and Alcide look for advice on how to combat werewolves. (Hint: They're just like hippies! Throw 'em a bar of soap!)
10:30 TLC STRANGE SEX
A woman claims she can "think" herself into an orgasm. This woman is obviously not my ex-wife.
MONDAY, JULY 19
9:00 LOGO RUPAUL'S DRAG U
Debut! A new series wherein RuPaul "queer eyes" ("drag eyes"?) unfashionable women.
TUESDAY, JULY 20
9:00 HEALTH I'M PREGNANT AND I MAY BE HAVING A DWARF
There is nothing more to be said.
10:00 BRAVO KATHY GRIFFIN: MY LIFE ON THE D-LIST
Kathy hopes to raise women's health awareness by having a... public pap smear?!? NO, KATHY! NO!!!
WEDNESDAY, JULY 21
9:00 PBS AMERICAN MASTERS
Lovers of true country music will not want to miss this awesome documentary, "Merle Haggard: Learning to Live with Myself."
9:00 ANI CONFESSIONS: ANIMAL HOARDING
Debut! A series about (you guessed it!) crazy people with way too many animals in their houses. I can smell the cat pee from here!