GUYS! I must confess I'm purrrrr-ty disappointed in the creators of Mad Men right now. Not that I dislike the show... in fact, the boner alert in my pants reached orange (the most boner-ific color) after learning the season premiere of Mad Men debuts this week (AMC, Sun July 25, 10 pm). In fact, my boner is so inflated, I have to wear cargo shorts for the morbidly obese just so I can go outside! (Unfortunately, that still doesn't stop my boner from accidentally smashing shop windows whenever I happen to turn around.)
So why am I so disappointed in Mad Men creator Matthew Weiner? Because for reasons too mind-boggling to comprehend, Weiner has REJECTED my script for a season four episode! I KNOW, RIGHT?
I mean, I understand that he's justifiably jealous and terrified of my talent—but can't he put his own fragile ego aside for the sake of his audience? WHATEVER. Lucky for the world, I have a TV column where I can reprint a small taste of my brilliant script, so you'll get an idea of the sheer magnificence you'll never be able to fully experience.
Now, this scene needs some setup. As you know, Mad Men tells the story of an advertising firm set in the early- to mid-1960s. Don Draper (like me) is the most talented, handsome man in the world, holds many secrets, and taps more tail than a jockey's riding crop. He's getting a divorce from his wife, and starting a brand-new firm with some of his former workmates including former secretary Joan, who has a body that would make the pope kick a hole in a stained glass window. (If the pope liked girls, that is.) SCENE!
[Daytime. Interior: a mid-'60s Manhattan office building. Don Draper enters, reading a newspaper.]
Don: [Reading aloud.] "Beatles to Play Shea Stadium"? BULL-PLOP! I predict these Beatles will eventually be known as the most overrated musical group of all time!
[A knock on the door; it is totally hot secretary Joan.]
Joan: May I come in?
Don: You may come in... my pants! HA! I am truly rakish and handsome. LET'S MAKE LOVE.
Joan: I can't resist your charms. Yes, let's bone.
[Suddenly, a twinkly beam of light appears from the ceiling. It is Captain Kirk from Star Trek.]
Captain Kirk: Not if I bone you first, Joan!
Don: WHAT?? This is bull-plop. You can't be here, you're on Star Trek.
Captain Kirk: It's called a "crossover," dick lip. Ever heard of it?
Don: But... but... your show doesn't even debut until 1966!
Captain Kirk: It's called "time travel," shit bird. Ever heard of it?
Don: Whatever! I'm Don Mother-effing Draper! I get to bone Joan first!
[Don and Captain Kirk engage in a shirtless battle to the death using those battle-ax thingies from the Trek episode "Amok Time." Kirk eventually triumphs, decapitating Don. Kirk then beams Joan up to the Enterprise, where they bone multiple times... occasionally including Spock.]
(Matthew Weiner? I patiently await your apology.)
THURSDAY, JULY 22
8:00 ABC WIPEOUT
I'm going to watch tonight's episode solely based on its title: "Screw You, Banana!"
10:00 TLC LADIES OF DEMOLITION DERBY
Debut! Profiling women who get paid for smashing up their husband's cars. I KID! I KID! Women are fantastic drivers!
FRIDAY, JULY 23
8:00 ABC WIFE SWAP
A rich mom is sent to a family who runs a goat farm; hilarious classism ensues!
10:00 HEALTH 100 ORGASMS A DAY
A special exploring a disease known as "Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome." Whatever's the opposite of that is what my ex-wife had.
SATURDAY, JULY 24
4:00 MTV JERSEY SHORE MARATHON
Snooki, the Situation, and the gang in a marathon of Italian American stereotypes!
8:00 ANI DOGS VS. CATS
A debate to find out which species is less annoying, dogs or cats. Reminder: Both lick their b-holes.
SUNDAY, JULY 25
10:00 AMC MAD MEN
Season premiere! Don is reluctant to talk about his past in an important magazine interview. WONDER WHY?
10:30 TOON CHILDRENS HOSPITAL
It's a "very special episode" of this hilarious Grey's Anatomy parody. I suspect a Chlamydia outbreak!
MONDAY, JULY 26
8:00 ABC THE BACHELORETTE: THE MEN TELL ALL
The monosyllabic meatcakes of The Bachelorette explain how their douchiness got them kicked off the show.
TUESDAY, JULY 27
8:00 NBC BREAKTHROUGH WITH TONY ROBBINS
Debut! Motivational speaker Tony Robbins helps troubled people BE MORE POSITIVE. I'm positive I'm going to hate this.
9:00 FOX MASTERCHEF
Home cooks compete against each other to see who can become a real chef. Okay, don't they have cooking school for that?
WEDNESDAY, JULY 28
9:00 CW PLAIN JANE
Debut! A fashion expert transforms an uggo into a slightly more attractive uggo.
10:00 MTV THE REAL WORLD
Jemmye reveals a dark secret from her past. Is this going to explain why a poopy was found in the hot tub?