FOR MANY PEOPLE, this week is a lot like Christmas—unless you're Jewish, in which case it's a lot like that unpronounceable holiday you people celebrate. It's national "Shark Week" on the Discovery Channel (starting August 1)—a whopping seven days of documentaries devoted to sharks and the chunks they take out of your ass.
Now, me? I say sharks are OVERRATED. I mean, c'mon! What do sharks actually do other than amputate ass cheeks? NOT MUCH. Plus! The Discovery Channel has been hosting "Shark Week" since 1987—the same year my mom first discovered a pube in my diaper. Isn't it time to let some other animal have a chance? Like, how about "Monkeys on Roller Skates Week"? They're adorable and hilarious, and if you stick a banana between your cheeks, I bet they'd happily bite your ass off. Or "Crocodiles on Meth Week." You squirt some meth up in a croc's grill and laugh and laugh and laugh while they furiously clean your kitchen and reorganize your spice rack.
BAH! Since nobody listens to my brilliant ideas anyway, I guess we're stuck with stupid, snoozy "Shark Week." Here are some stupid, snoozy highlights:
• Ultimate Air Jaws (Sun Aug 1, 9 pm): While most sharks are boring—unless their teeth are embedded in your ass—there are certain totally tubular sharks who are so freaking "extreme" they enjoy getting massive air, bro! This documentary features wicked slo-mo action of sharks blasting out of the water, getting serious air, and then deep-throating a seal. (Imagine seeing these guys go to work on the inhabitants of a flooded skateboard park! RADICAL, DUDE!)
• Shark Attack Survival Guide (Mon Aug 2, 9 pm): If you're anything like me, you're attacked by sharks on a daily basis. That's why you should heed the words of host Terry Schappert, who teaches you how to survive and what to do "so that neither you nor the shark gets hurt." Wait... what?? A shark is turning my leg into a stump, and I'm supposed to be worried about its feelings? Look! If a shark comes after me? I'm gonna cram my air tank down its effing throat, toss in a stick of dynamite, and KERBLOOEY! (Sure, I'll be picking shark colon out of my hair for a week—but it'll be worth it!)
• Day of the Shark 3 (Mon Aug 2, 10 pm): This special interviews shark-attack victims who somehow survived encounters with these ass-biting beasts... and yet "refuse to blame the sharks"?? What kind of hippie-dippy, granola-crunchin', bless-the-beasts-and-the-children BULL-PLOP is going on here?? If the situation were reversed, I sincerely doubt the sharks being interviewed would say, "Well, I really don't blame Humpy for shoving an air tank and a stick of dynamite down my throat. After all, I was swimming by... and okay, okay... nibbling at his ass a bit. BUT HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ASS? Holy mother of god, you could bounce a quarter off that sweet, delicious honey-baked ham. I mean, you just wanna... UNNNH!! And CHOMP! And NOM-NOM-NOM! Ahem. Sorry... sorry. Anyway, not his fault. Can you ask him why he's not returning my texts?"
THURSDAY, JULY 29
9:00 LIF PROJECT RUNWAY
Season premiere! Now with an even longer 90-minute running time! (Because they're Lifetime, and this is their only show.)
10:00 MTV JERSEY SHORE
Season premiere! Snooki, the Situation, and the gang move to Miami Beach, and instantly ruin it forever.
FRIDAY, JULY 30
8:00 NBC FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS
Friday Night Lights returns to NBC for those who still give a crap.
SATURDAY, JULY 31
9:00 BBCA BEING HUMAN
Check out this charming/exciting show that's like Friends—except with a vampire, werewolf, and ghost.
10:00 BIO CELEBRITY GHOST STORIES
This week, spooky stories from one of the lesser Baldwin brothers, and that one girl from The Cosby Show.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 1
8:00 AMC RUBICON
Debut! A brilliant and troubled code cracker is the subject of this new action-packed espionage drama.
10:00 AMC MAD MEN
The agency's Christmas party is ruined by an unwelcome guest. I BET IT'S SALLY DRAPER!
MONDAY, AUGUST 2
8:00 ABC THE BACHELORETTE
Season finale! Ali must choose between the final two bachelors. Will the results of their STD screening help?
8:00 BIO SHATNER'S AFTERMATH
Debut! William Shatner interviews people whose lives have been changed by dramatic events. Tonight: subway shooter Bernhard Goetz!
TUESDAY, AUGUST 3
9:00 CW 18 TO LIFE
Debut! A new dramedy about 18-year-olds who make the idiotic decision to get married. Somebody stop them for the love of Christ!!
10:00 SPIKE SCRAPPERS
Debut! Three competing scrap companies in Brooklyn go head to head to see who can be the most recycliest!
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 4
10:00 A&E CRISS ANGEL: MINDFREAK
Season premiere! The douchey magician tries to jump the Grand Canyon in a motorcycle hybrid, and I hope he is unsuccessful. Surprise!
10:00 DSC BEST BITES
"Shark Week" continues with this "greatest ass bites" compilation show!