Jeremy Eaton

[Dudes! I'm on vacation! So enjoy this only moderately moldy I Love Television™ repeat column, with adorable old-timey pop culture references left intact!—Humpy]

"THIS WEEK! Super agent Jack Bauer returns in another exciting, pants-wetting, testicle-dropping, liposuction-ing season of the Fox hit series 24! DO... NOT... MISS... IT!!"

Okay, how did I do? See, I'm really sick of scribbling TV columns, so I'm applying for a promo-writing job at Fox. Why? Because I'm AWWWWWWE- SOMMMME! And I've learned you can sell anything to anybody if you just scream and use a lot of capital letters and EXTEEEEEEEEND ALLLLLL YOURRRRR WORRRRRRDS!!!

Plus! I'm killing two birds with one stone by using this TV column as a sample promo clip for Fox. Then they'll see what a great promo writer I am, hire me on the spot, and fly me to California—a place I've been led to believe is a magical land brimming with the purest cocaine, free hot roast beef sandwiches, and disease-free prostitute robots who look like Jessica Alba. So without further ado...

Dear Fox Executive in Charge of Hiring Me: You know who I am, so let's cut the chitty-chat. I want a cushy job in California; you want a promo guy who can write THE SHIT out of a Fox TV commercial. Therefore here's a sample promo for this week's season debut of 24. ENJOY.

Ka-BOOM! What's that sound? It's the shit-hot new season of 24 blowin' up in your FACE, yo! That's right, dick drip! Season numero FIVE-o is coming atcha, with all-new raging episodes featuring the world's oldest government ass-kicker, Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland). "Whoopty-whoop, playa, whaaaaaaa??" I hear you scream. "But I thought Jack Bauer faked his own death last season, and retired forever!" Wrong again, pee-hole! Jack is BACK in the government SHACK, with a dirty, dirty job that's wiggidy-WACK! [Note to Fox Executives: That last sentence was designed to attract the "urban youth" demographic.]

Ka-POW! That's the sound of a famous foreign dignitary getting killed! RING-RING! WAH-WAH! That's the sound of Jack's old bosses calling him up and crying like LITTLE BITTY BITCHES to come back and clean up their mess! BANG-BANG-BLEED-PLOP-SSSSSSSSS! And that's the sound of Jack opening up a can of bullet-poppin' whup-ass, blowing away every terrorist in sight, and then peeing into their open mouths if they give him any lip! [Note to Fox Executives: That last sentence was designed to attract the "angry white male (particularly my father)" demographic.]

THAT'S RIGHT, you disgusting fairy pantywaist! Get ready for TWO HOURS (HOURS, HOURS) OF NONSTOP ACTION (ACTION, ACTION)—and don't worry! Your favorite 24 characters are back as well! And they're all gonna be kissing the sweet, old ass of JACK BAUER as he saves the useless lives of wimpy Americans like YOU in the most eye-popping, jaw-dropping, turtle-stomping, dope-smoking, antibacterial-soaping season of 24 YET!! Kaaaaaa-BOOOOOOOOOMMMM!

[Note to Fox Executives: I'd like my first week's paycheck, and Jessica Alba robo-tute now, please.]

This Week on Television

THURSDAY, AUGUST 26

9:00 LIF PROJECT RUNWAY

The contestants work together to learn there is no "I" in "team." There is, however, usually an "a-hole" in "team."

10:00 MTV JERSEY SHORE

Mike, Vinny, and Pauly try to juggle four girls at once (which isn't as hard as it sounds when they're sluts).

FRIDAY, AUGUST 27

7:00 IFC KIDS IN THE HALL

Part three of this heelarious series about Death stalking a small Canadian town.

10:00 DSC BEYOND SURVIVAL WITH LES STROUD

Debut! Honky Les bonds with indigenous people to learn their survival techniques.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 28

8:00 ANI BAD DOG!

Debut! A new series spotlighting dogs from around the world and the asses they puncture.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 29

5:00 NBC THE EMMY AWARDS

Hosted by Jimmy Fallon—tune in to watch Glee murder the competition!

10:00 AMC MAD MEN

Peggy and her new creative partner Joey (who I HATE) don't see eye-to-eye.

MONDAY, AUGUST 30

10:00 ABC DATING IN THE DARK

Guys and girls hook up in the dark, after which the lights are turned on and they are revolted. Good idea for a show!

10:00 BRAVO REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY REUNION SPECIAL

The gals get one last chance to rip each other's extensions out.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 31

10:00 FX RESCUE ME

Season finale! Tragedy strikes again for Tommy and Sheila. Guys! Take the rest of the summer off and cheer the eff UP.

11:00 FX LOUIE

Louie gives God one last chance. No pressure, God!

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 1

8:00 ABC CMA MUSIC FESTIVAL

Hillbillies Taylor Swift, Alan Jackson, Kid Rock, and more play this concert to benefit the Safe Sex with Pigs Foundation.

9:00 CW PLAIN JANE

Season finale! A girl who lost 100 pounds gets a makeover to impress her secret crush at work. THIS WON'T END WELL.

KA-BOOOOOM!!! steve@portlandmercury.com