[Hey Guys! I'm on vacation this week, so enjoy this old-timey episode of I Love Television™ designed to make you—and myself—feel old. Mission accomplished!—Humpy]
Ever get the feeling the years are flying by? Well, get ready for a coronary, grandpa, because MTV's The Real World is finishing its 16th season [As of next week, it's finishing its 24th season! ACK!—Humpy]. Did'ja hear that, you old bag of undigested Metamucil? SIXTEEN YEARS! That means you are now officially OLD! In fact, you're SO old, this is how old you are...
You're so old, you sat next to Jesus in the third grade! You're so old, you owe Fred Flintstone a food stamp! You're so old, you've got hieroglyphics on your driver's license! You're so old, the key on Benjamin Franklin's kite unlocks your apartment! You're so old, you called the cops when David and Goliath started fighting! You're so old, the liquor store asked for ID and you gave them a rock! You're so old, you got a pair of Air Moses sneakers! You're so old, you knew Mr. Clean when he had an afro! (In fact, you're so old, you understood that last joke!)
Anyway, THAT'S what I call OLLLLLLLLLLLD!! But cheer up—because adult diapers are on sale this week at the grocery store! HAAAAAAAA! HAW! Adult diapers! GET IT??? You... are... OLD!
Okay, I'm done. And while you may be older than Oldie McOlderson, the 500-year-old mayor of Fogey Town, just think how old Puck from the Real World San Francisco must be by now. From what I understand, he's so old, he picked his nose and mummy dust fell out. Hooo hooo HOOO!! Yah, daddy! That... am... OLD!!! Ka-ZING!
But seriously folks—for those of us who have sat through the entire Real World series, it's weird that the grandpappy of all reality shows wouldn't try to mix things up after 16 years. Every season, it's the same goddamn scenario: Seven strangers are picked to live in a house and have their lives taped, wherein they're supposed to stop "pretending" and start getting "REAL." What a load of baloney! These kids are faker than my tits!
Every year we're fed the same stereotypical gang of syphilitic post-teens: the hunky beefcake, the loudmouth bee-yotch, Ally Sheedy in The Breakfast Club, the minority (black, gay, Jew, or preferably black gay Jew), the hot chick, the slightly less hot chick who thrusts her vagina at the beefcake to steal him from the actual hot chick, and the sociopath who will never be Puck.
And once again, they live in a shit-hot pad in the middle of some ubiquitous American city. This time around, it's Austin, Texas—a city known for absolutely nothing other than its state capitol building, which is built entirely from cow droppings. So after 16 years, why can't they shake things up a bit? Why can't they send these spoiled brats to live in a decommissioned septic tank on the bottom of the Mississippi River? Or maybe a North Korean nuclear testing facility? Or share a rusty circus cage with a nest of angry hornets, a clearly insane donkey, and Charles Manson? I'm sorry, but this show is getting OLD! Even older than YOU! And you're so old, when you broke your arm, gravy ran out! (Waitasecond... that's a "you're so fat" joke. Whatever! You're fat, too!!)
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 2
9:00 LIF PROJECT RUNWAY
One designer is given the "auf Wiedersehen" while another goose-steps her way to the finals!
10:00 COM FUTURAMA
Season finale! Bender and the gang celebrate their 100th episode by traveling forward in time to their 200th episode.
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 3
7:00 IFC KIDS IN THE HALL
In this episode of "Death Comes to Town," the Canadians try to distract the Grim Reaper with a can of Molson Ice.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 4
8:00 NBC PERSONS UNKNOWN
Series finale! The show about strangers who get mysteriously dumped in a ghost town gets un-mysteriously dumped by NBC.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 5
10:00 AMC MAD MEN
Don's attempts to woo the counter-culture closely resembles my grandfather's attempts to break dance.
10:00 TLC FREAKY EATERS
Debut! A new series depicting the lives of people who avoid entire food groups. (Like my relationship with vegetables, perhaps?)
MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 6
8:30 CBS CBS FALL PREVIEW
A quick look at the network's fall lineup including, Matlock 2025, Murder, She Continues to Write, and Celebrity Dentures.
10:00 TLC QUINTS BY SURPRISE
Debut! Casey and Ethan wanted one baby—and got five! Surprise! Oh, there's a foreclosure notice, too. Surprise!
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 7
6:00 IFC 360 SESSIONS
Debut! A cool new series that profiles musicians (Snoop Dogg, 50 Cent, Stereophonics) and where they grew up.
11:00 FX LOUIE
Season finale! Don't miss the last episode of the funniest show of the summer!
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 8
8:00 CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL
Season premiere! Tyra and the gang prepare to send a brand-new "top model" on the long road to anonymity!
9:00 CW HELLCATS
Debut! A college girl tries out for the cheerleading squad in this cross between Heathers and Glee.
10:00 FX TERRIERS
Debut! Donal Logue stars as a down-and-out LA dectective in this new comedy/drama from The Shield's Shawn Ryan! CHECK... IT... OUT!