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La Femme Humpita

Hey!! Why do only women spies get to be called "la femmes" (as in La Femme Nikita)? THAT'S DISCRIMINATION, YO. And yes, I'm aware that "la femme" is French for "hot chick"—making it linguistically impossible for a man to hold this title. HOWEVER! Not only would I be a fairly awesome spy, I think I've got what it takes to also make it as a bona fide "la femme." BEHOLD THE FOLLOWING FACTS!

FACT ONE: My body is wicked hot. Just like the wicked hot bod of Maggie Q—star of the new CW action show Nikita (debuting Thurs Sept 9, 9 pm). It's a remake of a remake of a remake of 1990's La Femme Nikita starring Anne Parillaud, which was then remade into Point of No Return starring Bridget Fonda, which was then remade into a USA network version starring Peta Wilson, which is now being remade into Nikita, starring the aforementioned Maggie Q with the aforementioned wicked hot body. Just like the one I have. Without the girl bits.

FACT TWO: Like La Femme Nikita, I am tragically misunderstood, and out for revenge. A worthless street rat destined for death row, Nikita was taken in by a shadowy government agency and trained to be a spy/assassin. (While certainly destined for death row, I was trained by negligent parents to sit in front of a TV all day—but hey! Look at me now, right?)

Like me, Nikita is super-duper pissed about being taken advantage of, and vows revenge on those who have crossed her. (Like that b-hole in Costco the other day who totally bumped my cart and refused to apologize! Or that snooty waiter in that fancy-pants restaurant who had the gall to tell me, "Sir, you can't wear mesh shorts in here!" Or the gun shop owner who said I looked "angry" and "crazy" and told me I'd have to wait THREE GODDAMN DAYS to buy a motherfreaking AK-47!! I'M GONNA GET YOU FREAKING FREAKERS! IF IT'S THE LAST FREAKING THING I DO!!)

FACT THREE: Like Nikita, I'm highly trained in the art of espionage. In this show, Nikita gets plenty of opportunities to (a) blow shit up, (b) snap the necks of horny guys, and (c) run in high heels down the streets of Milan. Again, just like me—except I'm usually running to get a Burrito Roller at 7-Eleven.

FACT FOUR: And just like Nikita, I'm often forced to make wild passionate love to get the job done. Like last week at the DMV? I needed to get my tags renewed, but I forgot my car registration. I offered to provide my wild passionate love services instead. Weirdly, the DMV lady refused—HOWEVER! I got my new tags anyway after trading my wild passionate love services to a drug dealer who gave me an ounce of crack, which I traded for a stolen car. After removing the tags, I then traded the stolen car for an AK-47 that had its serial numbers filed off. So with that in mind... look out, enemies! Here comes La Femme Humpita! (I'll be the one with an AK-47... wearing heels... and mesh shorts.)

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 9

8:00 CW VAMPIRE DIARIES

Season premiere! The story of two sexy vampire brothers vying for the love of one drippy teenage girl returns. (Why, God? WHY?!?)

9:00 CW NIKITA

Debut! A desperate teen gets trained by the government to become a super spy (AKA The Wm.™ Steven Humphrey Story).

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 10

7:30 IFC KIDS IN THE HALL

Season finale! Citizens of a small Canadian town (portrayed by the Kids) finally figure out a way to beat Death—with maybe Bryan Adams?

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 11

8:00 FOX COPS

Season premiere! To celebrate their 800th episode, tonight's show features 800 shirtless drunks singing happy birthday.

9:00 BBCA BEING HUMAN

Season finale! The supernatural roommates look for a new apartment when a mummy moves into the building.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 12

9:00 MTV 2010 MTV MUSIC AWARDS

Featuring the triumphant return of Kanye "I'mma Gonna Let You Finish!" West.

9:00 HBO TRUE BLOOD

Season finale! Sookie is conflicted: kill the vampires or pork them in the shower?

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 13

8:00 ABC BACHELOR PAD

Season finale! The final bachelor and bachelorette compete to see who has the most virulent strain of herpes.

9:00 CW GOSSIP GIRL

Season premiere! The gals are excited to travel to France—until they discover it's already been ruined.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 14

8:00 ABC WIPEOUT

Season finale! Former contestants return to compete and be sent directly back to the hospital.

10:00 NBC PARENTHOOD

Season premiere! This mopey family drama starring Lauren Graham returns for more moping around.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 15

8:00 NBC AMERICA'S GOT TALENT

Season finale! Who will win: the one-legged circus midget who sings like an angel, or the Argentinean war criminal who can fart out of his ear?

10:00 NBC OUTLAW

Debut! Jimmy Smits stars as a retired Supreme Court justice who returns (unasked) to lawyering.

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