I don't hate "people." I really don't. In fact, I love "people"—as a general concept. I love them in the same conceptual way I love "hamburger sandwiches."
Now, generally speaking, "hamburger sandwiches" are incredibly delicious and fortifying. That being said, occasionally a specific hamburger sandwich will go awry. For example, when a vegan is behind the grill and your "hamburger" sandwich suddenly tastes like a "grass, hair, and chalk" sandwich. Or when you accidentally sleep with/impregnate the girlfriend of the cook at your favorite hamburger sandwich restaurant—and your hamburger sandwiches begin to acquire not-so-subtle "spit or semen" overtones.
That point being made: People are like hamburger sandwiches for me. If I could, I would eat each and every one of you up. That's how much I love you. HOWEVER! There are people I would most definitely not eat up—because they are icky, awful monsters who probably taste like chalk and an angry person's semen. For example, here are some upcoming TV shows that prominently feature people you hate and would therefore never want to eat:
• Last Man Standing (ABC, debuts Tues Oct 11, 8 pm): It's the long-awaited—by absolutely no one—television return of Tim "Tool Time" Allen, who, in a wild departure from his role on the insanely annoying show Home Improvement, plays a macho shithead trying to coexist with his wife and two daughters... annnnnd unfunny sexist shenanigans ensue. In short, I wouldn't eat Tim Allen if he were wrapped in bacon, marinated in bourbon, and stuffed with candy corn.
• Enlightened (HBO, debuts Mon Oct 10, 9:30 pm): Were you forced at gunpoint to see Julia Roberts in Eat, Pray, Love—that movie about a divorcée who discovers self-acceptance and inner peace after boning Javier Bardem? ACK! I hate those kind of self-important hippies and would never, ever eat them!! Happily, HBO's Enlightened (created by Mike White) flips the script on this dusty trope. Harried businesswoman Amy (Laura Dern) suffers a very public mental collapse, becomes "enlightened" after a Hawaiian meditation retreat, and emerges intent on changing the entire world for the better. Instead, she becomes super-annoying and destroys everything she touches—and if someone doesn't kill her before the end of the first season, no one will be more surprised than me. I hereby proclaim this show "delicious."
• Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Kim's Fairytale Wedding (E!, part one, Sun Oct 9, 8 pm): I'm not going to say Kim Kardashian is like Hitler. HOWEVER! I will say that if Hitler and Pol Pot had a baby, and that baby was spoiled completely rotten, did absolutely nothing with its life except torture and annoy people, AND smelled like it had been stewing in its own diaper gravy for the last 48 hours—then, yeah, maybe Kim Kardashian is like that baby. And even though she is clearly one of the most detestable, loathsome creatures on this planet, she still expects us to get all excited about her sham of a wedding to NBA star/clueless loser Kris Humphries?? MADAM, THAT'S TOO MUCH TO SWALLOW. (Especially with all the excess "spittle and semen" overtones. Yick.)
MINIONS! I command thee to follow me on Twitter! @WmSteveHumphrey
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 6
9:00 NBC THE OFFICE
It's an interesting day at Dunder Mifflin when all the warehouse employees win the lottery—AND QUIT.
10:30 FX THE LEAGUE
Season premiere! Ruxin's domination of the fantasy football league is threatened by newcomer Dirty Randy (Seth Rogen)!
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 7
6:30 TOON YOUNG JUSTICE
The Teen Titans are shaken by Aqualad's surprising revelation that he's... bipedal!
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 8
11:00 BBCA FREE AGENTS
Debut! The obviously funnier Brit version of the sitcom currently tanking on NBC.
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Hosted by Ben Stiller (and hopefully his killer Tom Cruise impersonation).
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 9
10:00 ABC PAN AM
Journalists fly Pan Am to cover JFK's speech in Berlin... aaand pinch some stewardess ass along the way.
10:00 AMC BREAKING BAD
Season finale! Walt and Jesse in a battle royale against Gus: WHO YA GOT?!?
MONDAY, OCTOBER 10
8:00 FOX TERRA NOVA
A deadly virus endangers the settlers of Terra Nova. (Whatever... where are the freaking dinosaurs??)
9:30 HBO ENLIGHTENED
Debut! Psychologically fragile Amy returns from her meditation retreat nutbaggier than ever.
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 11
8:00 ABC LAST MAN STANDING
Debut! Tim Allen is back as yet another sexist douchebag. WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS.
9:00 PBS FRONTLINE
Season premiere! A fascinating documentary on 2001's anthrax attacks, and how the FBI possibly botched the investigation.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 12
9:30 FOX NEW GIRL
Jess is convinced that Nick wants to be more than friends, but Jess could not be more wrong. Awwwwkward!
10:00 FX AMERICAN HORROR STORY
Ben leaves Vivien and Violet alone in their haunted house... and psychosexual hijinks ensue!