PUCKER UP, MERCURY!
DEAR MERCURY—Today I have my Mercury and you make me SO happy! You brought back Frank Cassano [New Column! Feb 19]! Eeeeee!! And Wm. Steven Humphrey giving a beeeyotch slap to the silly Oscars [I Love Television, Feb 19]! I hate them too, buddy! And my weekly allotment of news stories and hipster bar ads!! To any Mercury staffer: I will give you a hug and a kiss (if you are reasonably good looking) whenever you say!
CAN'T STOP, WON'T STOP
DEAR MERCURY—Enacting the "Idaho Stop Law" in Portland is ridiculous ["Stop! Ish..." News, Feb 26]. If bicycles are already "yielding," what is the problem with a brief, responsible stop? ALL vehicles on the road should stop at stop signs, and yield appropriately. Because eventually someone gets careless, cruises through a stop, and gets creamed by a car that did NOT have a stop sign. Stop, look, and potentially save a life. I don't even drive a car.
ASS U ME
DEAR MERCURY—Last week's I, Anonymous ["Spanglish Anguish," Feb 26], is backward for numerous reasons. The author creates an imaginary distinction between "us" (English-speaking Americans) and "them" (English-speaking Mexican Americans), and exacerbates this divide with phrases such as "they" and "their," which culminates with the command "address them in English." While this argument has good intentions, it is actually an ironic example of racism masquerading as its opposite. The author assumes to know what's best for "them," and feels obliged to stand up to protect "them," to be "their" voice, while simultaneously perpetuating a generalization about a group of people who aren't even involved in this discussion. By publishing this, the Mercury inadvertently advocates such racist delusions, which (unfortunately) reflect on the city of Portland as a whole. The Mercury might take more consideration in the future, and be less bumblingly idiotic—but whatever.
THE MERCURY RESPONDS: Not that we always agree with the sentiments of our I, Anonymous contributors, but how do you know the author is one of the English-speaking Americans they are addressing? They didn't use the word "us," or discuss how many languages they themselves speak, natively or otherwise. But, as you say... whatever.
STATE OF THE UNION
DEAR MERCURY—I remember when I was about 22, I thought I'd paid my dues and was getting old. Today I see loudmouths the same age at bars loudly enlightening us all with whatever their professor said earlier that sounded smart enough to repeat. That's where the US is. We are a young country. The current economic situation is the equivalent of some suburban spoiled shit having to live in a crappy apartment with ramen noodles instead of a four-bedroom McMansion with mommy's Whole Foods chicken alfredo. Hummers and strip malls are no different than having to give up Abercrombie for Goodwill. We saw Communism die and now its smarmy cousin Capitalism's funeral is TBA. Time to get to know each other because we're in this one together.
CONGRATULATIONS TO DANIEL for this interesting comparison, which has our imaginations racing. What will happen when the US is old enough to drive rental cars? What about when it finds its first gray hair? Things could get ugly... Daniel gets two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater and lunch at No Fish! Go Fish!, which is totally where the US will have its first sandwich shaped like a sea creature.