HEY ANN ROMANO—You fucking twat. I'm guessing you didn't have the mind fuck of being ruthlessly abused as a child, because anyone with an iota of understanding would be unable to mock its repercussions [One Day at a Time, June 3]. I assure you, growing up with a father who breaks your bones, who terrifies and torments you on an almost daily basis most definitely wires you for certain behavior and sets you on a path. I'm 40, have been diagnosed with PTSD, and work hard to be highly functional. But every fucking day I'm ridden with angst over right from wrong. An adult who was abused doesn't understand healthy relationships. We murder relationships and sabotage ourselves. I don't condone Jesse [James'] behavior any more than I condone mine when I was married and cheated. Neither of us should have married. How lucky you are, Ann, to never have to know. You. Fucking. Twat.
DEAREST MERCURY—I don't care that your paper sucks ["All Apologies," Feature, June 3]. I don't read much of it anyway. Except for that One Day at a Time thing, that can be kinda funny, and because of the boldface highlights I can skim out everything I want in about 20 seconds. And plus I guess that Marjorie Skinner chick looks kinda hot, I don't care if she writes anything, just put more pictures of her up in the paper. But one thing I DO value and cherish about your paper has nothing to do with any of you schmucks, but everything to do with DAN SAVAGE [Savage Love, weekly]. Oh please dearest Mercury, if you ever decide to go out of business, somehow, somewhere, continue to keep publishing the column of the only professional thing, and the only faintly useful thing, the paper has ever known.
DEAR MERCURY—I can't believe you guys are still talking about Lindsay Lohan [One Day at a Time, June 3]. She hasn't ever made anything even slightly good except for her debut with Tina Fey. I'm sure Marjorie Skinner was obsessed with her when she was 16 and LiLo first started making films like NINE YEARS AGO! So it's obviously about her looks. I know Marj wants to be her, and Will wants to screw her, it ain't gonna happen! If you had any integrity you would have moved to NYC like real writer Julianne Shepherd and gotten paid big bucks for talent you obviously don't have. You suck, period. William Steven Humphrey, PLEASE PLEASE challenge me to a fight, and when I show up I know you'll threaten to call the cops and a lawyer cause you're a straight-up bitch. I know you won't print this letter and if you do, it shows what real journalism is all about, objectivity!
DEAR MERCURY—Thank you for the report on the decline of ecological health in Forest Park ["Can't Save the Forest or the Trees," News, June 3]. As an environmental field scientist (and as a humyn animal), I am distressed to see our closest urban simulacrum of native conifer forest in such peril. Stefan [Kamph] raised awareness, and laid out the science and politics in clear and concise language. And since I see so few measured affirmations of your work in the letters column, let me try to put this in terms that you can understand: nice report, you insolent lager-swilling fuckwits. I am so grateful that you spared us the usual misogynist juvenilia and gave a page of ink to someone whose aperture on the world is a hair's breath wider than that of the average 10th-grade crystal-meth abuser. Kudos!
THANKS TOM! You're the only letter writer this week we feel halfway safe around, so you win the letter of the week! You get two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater and lunch at No Fish! Go Fish!, which is always a safe space.