RE: Cover [Feb 20], featuring Russian model and performance artist Pavel Petel, whose Tumblr you should really Google (NSFW!).
DEAR MERCURY—So what is the deal with putting some creepy Russian weirdo on the cover? Like, what does this guy have to do with anything even remotely local? So I checked out this Pavel Petel's website and sheesh! C'mon, guys, a shameless hussy with a huge hard cock?! Thanks a lot. I haven't stopped masturbating for days. You suck!
Pounding it in Portland
RE: "Join Us for 'Hug a Gun Nut Day'—March 6, 2013" [New Column! Feb 27], introducing a new holiday/political statement from the American National Gun Society Team (ANGST).
DEAR MERCURY—I can't wait for March 6, I want lots of hugs! Hug, hug, hug! I am a loveable gun nut! So loveable in fact, I want to share something very special with everyone, gun nuts or not! It is this: the Four Rules of the Gun. Memorize them, practice them, live them, and you will always be a safe and happy camper. (I shit you negative—this is the Holy Grail). Rule #1: All guns are always loaded, all of the time. Rule #2: Never point your muzzle at anything you're not willing to destroy. Rule #3: Keep your finger off the trigger until you are on your target. Rule #4: Know what your target is and what is beyond it. Isn't that great? And it really, really works. So, how will you recognize me so I can get my hugs? Easy, I'm the super mellow fiftysomething guy you might see every day. Why is he so mellow, you ask? Because I'm armed to the teeth! Remember, an armed society is a polite society. Be safe, you kooky kids!
RE: One Day at a Time, a weekly roundup of celebrity gossip and news items by author Ann Romano.
Just wanted to write Ann and let her know that I literally disagree with almost every political stance she takes and love some of the people she hates, but her weekly recap is always a must-read for me. Hipsters and their weirdness annoy the heck out of me in this city, but Ann's annoying remarks always make me laugh and are lots of fun. She's the best!
RE: "Back in the Cleaning Business" [News, Feb 27], regarding efforts led by the Portland Business Alliance to resurrect a version of the "sit-lie" sidewalk ordinance, which was declared unconstitutional in 2009.
Here is a counterintuitive idea: less homeless on the streets, more shopping, more profit, more tax revenue, more money for social programs that help the homeless. And vice versa.
posted by Ed
Agreed, Ed: If there were more money for services, there would most likely be less people on the street. I am not sure that automatically leads to more shoppers downtown, though. Honestly, why would someone from Gresham drive downtown when they can just as easily stop at Mall 205, or Clackamas Town Center, or anywhere in Gresham, and not have to deal with downtown traffic or parking?
RE: "Fuck YOU, Future!" ["The Century Club," Feature, Feb 27], a missive for the Mercury's drinking-themed time capsule, not to be opened until the year 2113.
I'd make a few changes here and there, but I think the overall vibe you're sending through the space-time continuum (via drunken scrawl on Power Ranger-themed notebook paper riddled with scotch and repressed adolescent teardrop stains) is a mutual feeling among most inebriated Portlanders toward those uppity future fucks. Fuck 2113 and their computer-powered tequila catheters!
posted by BarrageOfFeces
YES, YES, BarrageOfFeces! (We love how free we feel when writing out your name!) We shall greet those smug, smooth-handed futurians with a stiff pour of all the grit and grime and ill-begotten glory that is the drunken landscape of Portland in 2013! Cheers to that! And you also get two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater for winning this week's Mercury letter of the week. And do you know what you can do at the Laurelhurst Theater? Of course you do: DRINK!