THE INTERNSHIP "So I guess what I'm saying is, Rubik can go fuck himself."

I'M A LITTLE reluctant to tell you the truth about The Internship, the film that reunites Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson—or, as you have taken to calling it after seeing those abysmal ads, "the Google movie." Not because I'm one of those dudes with a soft spot for Wedding Crashers (I'm not), or because there's a funny Will Ferrell cameo in it (it isn't funny), or because I'm afraid Owen Wilson might try to kill himself again (don't ever leave us, Butterscotch Stallion!). No, I'm afraid to tell you that The Internship flat-out, balls-out BLOWS because Google, who must have ponied up millions for this botch-job, knows every last little thing about me—from my cell phone number, to the names of all my friends and family, to my most shameful search proclivities (the time I image-searched "pornish game hen" was a typo, I swear).

So! Let's take a look at all of The Internship's good things! Um, Google seems like a really neat place to work! They all ride colored bicycles and play Quidditch and there is free pudding! Yeah! And, um, Google just wants to help people communicate and learn and stuff!

The aging, visibly yellowing duo of Vaughn and Wilson becomes unpaid interns at Google, creaking their bones and discharging their old-people juices alongside a group of fresh-faced, tech-savvy youngsters. They join a team of ragtag, misfit nerds and have to win a series of challenges in order to get coveted paying positions at Google and displace more starving college grads out of the job market. There's a jerkish opposing team (let's call them the Omegas) who hound them along the way, and some life lessons to learn, and a scene where the nerds cut loose at a remarkably unsleazy strip club.

You can Bing the rest.