MONDAY, AUGUST 26
It's a new week... ready to twerk it? As briefly reported in last week's edition, overcompensating ex-Disney princess Miley Cyrus twerked up a storm at last night's MTV Video Music Awards during a performance with Robin Thicke and his grotesque song "Blurred Lines." During the eye-popping routine, Cyrus handily stripped down to a nude-colored bikini, rubbed her bottom against Thicke's penis, and massaged her vagina with a huge foam finger. Truly, the kind of performance that makes one go, "HMM." And we're not the only ones! According to Us Weekly, Thicke himself was "bummed" by Miley's sexual shenanigans. A source tells the magazine, "Robin thought it would be fun to include Miley, but he didn't realize how much she would overshadow him. This was his big night and big performance." BOO-HOO-HOO, POOR MISOGYNIST GOT HIS WIDDLE-BITTY FEEWINGS HURT. But Thicke's not the only buttsore person in this equation: How about the inventor of the "We're #1" giant foam finger—which Cyrus liberally applied to her twerking va-jay-jay? "She took an honorable icon that is seen in sporting venues everywhere and degraded it," said 59-year-old foam finger inventor Steve Chmelar to Fox News. We think it's safe to say that foam fingers and sports have done more to degrade vaginas than the other way around. (Snap and burrrrrn.)
TUESDAY, AUGUST 27
If it's Tuesday, then hotheaded actor Alec Baldwin must be attacking some paparazzi. According to the New York Daily News, Baldwin blew his perfectly coiffed wig when approached by the paps as he strolled the street with his hilariously named wife, Hilaria. Apparently unaware of his extremely short fuse, veteran celebrity annoyer/photog Paul Adao tried to take a shot of the pair when Baldwin leaped at the pap, shoved him, pinned his arm behind his back, and, according to witnesses, threw him against a car. Police were called to the scene, but neither Baldwin nor Adao pressed charges—because after all, both were doing their jobs... making the world a more beautiful place for everyone! MEANWHILE... Speaking of terrible tempers, Girls Gone Wild founder/dickhead Joe Francis has been sentenced to at least 270 days in jail for a 2011 incident in which he allegedly invited three women back to his mansion, refused to let them leave, and choked one of the accusers, slamming her head into the floor. Besides the jail time, he also has been ordered to complete one year of psychological counseling, which hopefully will get to the bottom of why he's such an exploitative, violent, woman-hating dickhead. Good luck with that one, doc!
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 28
Here's the latest news from Celebrity Splitsville: Actors Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones are reportedly DUNZO, according to People magazine. While they have not officially filed for separation or divorce, the two have not been seen publicly together since mid-April. No lovey-dovey red-carpet appearances, no vacations together, and while Zeta-Jones is holed up in their New York home, Douglas was seen basking on his yacht off the coast of Sardinia. In other words, it's exactly like our relationship with Hubby Kip—except instead of basking in Sardinia, he's currently asleep on the couch with an Xbox controller in his hand, and a stream of Cheetos-colored drool rolling down his chin. May god have mercy on us all.
THURSDAY, AUGUST 29
According to various media outlets, the ex-girlfriend of North Korea despot Kim Jong-un was executed by firing squad—along with a dozen other well-known performers. As with all things North Korean, details are sketchy... but according to reports, the victims were members of the Unhasu Orchestra as well as the Wangjaesan Light Music Band, who were accused of violating the country's strict anti-pornography laws by allegedly filming themselves having sex and selling the videos. One of the victims, Hyon Song-wol, apparently dated Kim a decade ago, but his father put an end to the relationship. While the two have been rumored to be having an illicit affair over the years, others say that Kim's current wife, Ri Sol-ju, may have had a hand in the executions. What's more, it's reported that all the families of the people who were executed have been sent to prison camps under the country's "guilt by association" laws. (This story kind of puts the Miley Cyrus "twerking with a foam finger" incident in perspective, doesn't it?)
FRIDAY, AUGUST 30
And yet? Let's talk about it some more! "Me and Robin [Thicke], the whole time, said, 'You know, we're about to make history right now!'" the impressively witless Miley Cyrus blathered to MTV, reflecting on her now-infamous, troubling-for-a-variety-of-issues performance at the VMAs—which, as everyone on the planet is now painfully aware, consisted of the former Hannah Montana dry-humping Thicke, leading a squad of black backup dancers whom she'd inexplicably dressed up as teddy bears, feigning masturbation (using, as teens do these days, a giant foam finger), stripping down to her nude underwear, and, perhaps most grievously, repeatedly attempting to twerk. "What's amazing is I think now, we're three days later, and people are still talking about it," MiCy continued. "They're overthinking it! You're thinking about it more than I thought about it when I did it. Like, I didn't even think about it 'cause that's just me." Well, we'll say this for Miley: At least she's honest. Horrifically, depressingly honest.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 31
War! Another one! Maybe? Today President Obama made a surprise speech in the White House Rose Garden, where he talked about (wait for it...) Syria! "In one of the riskiest gambles of his presidency, Mr. Obama effectively dared lawmakers to either stand by him or, as he put it, allow President Bashar al-Assad of Syria to get away with murdering children," the New York Times reported. "By asking them to take a stand, Mr. Obama tried to break out of the isolation of the last week as he confronted taking action without the support of the United Nations, Congress, the public, or Britain, a usually reliable partner in such international operations." Congress, which will return from yet another of its many leisurely vacations on September 9, might find Obama's plan laudable in theory... but kinda troubling in reality. While Obama stressed that any action against Syria would be "limited" and not involve any "boots on the ground," the resolution he sent Congress' way was "very broad," Maryland Representative Elijah Cummings told MSNBC. "The president said this effort would be limited in scope and duration and I don't know that the authorization is that limited." So... another interminable, inextricable conflict in the Middle East, this one seasoned with Iran and Russia all but threatening to kick off WWIII if America goes forward? Wheeee! Stay tuned, dears! (And maybe have Hubby Kip start building a bomb shelter. That's our plan.)
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 1
JUSTIN BIEBER UPDATE! Bieber was "attacked" at a nightclub in Toronto this weekend, according to TMZ, which says a man tried to tackle Bieber—and when the man was wrestled to the ground, Das Biebs kicked him. Bieber kicking a man while he was down? Not surprising! More surprising? Hey, somebody told Canada about nightclubs! AMANDA BYNES UPDATE! The troubled starlet is now under a "long-term hold" at UCLA Medical Center, where she'll be for at least 60 days before being released to her mother's home, TMZ claims... adding that such medical care could cost $3,500 a day, or $210,000 for 60 days! We're already looking forward to the Charlie Sheen movies Amanda will be showing up in a few years from now, eager to pay off her medical bills. America! KANYE WEST UPDATE! The New York Times reveals that this weekend, Kanye "serenaded the grandson of Kazakhstan's longtime president, Nursultan Nazarbayev, at a wedding reception in Almaty." West's representatives declined to comment, possibly because, as the Times notes, "Nazarbayev has ruled Kazakhstan in an autocratic fashion since the fall of the Soviet Union, and was criticized for a brutal crackdown against striking oil workers in the city of Zhanaozen in 2011 that left more than a dozen killed." Ah, now it makes sense—chances are, Kanye just wanted to spend a weekend with someone less terrible than Kim Kardashian.