BRITNEY SPEARS #1 Mom.

MONDAY, MARCH 23

Much has been written on these hallowed pages about the most horrific family of monsters ever, the Kardashians. However, there's a Kardashian we rarely write about who may yet turn out to be a decent human being—brother Rob Kardashian. As you may remember, Rob is famous for storming out of Kim and Kanye's wedding after his sis allegedly "fat-shamed" him (because Kim is the worst garbage celebrity on the planet). Well, late last week things got even rockier when Rob used his Instagram to post a still from the movie Gone Girl (which pictured manipulative psychopath hausfrau Amy Dunne covered in blood) with the tag, "This is my sister Kim, the bitch from Gone Girl." OH DEAR. That's putting a fine point on it, wouldn't you say? Naturally the Kardashians went into panicked spin-control mode, quickly sending their minions (AKA "inside sources") to supply Us Weekly and People magazine with quotes to make Rob look crazy and themselves less monstrous. "Rob is in a dark place," tut-tutted one such "inside source" to Us, who went on to add, "Kim told him he needs to get out of his funk." Meanwhile another minion told People, "[Momster] Kris Jenner doesn't want Rob on the show when he is emotionally unstable." And yet someone else who's probably also on the Kardashian payroll added, "[Rob] is sad, he's bitter, he's single." OH DEAR GOD. NOT... SINGLE?? No wonder the poor lad is emotionally unsound! Quick! To the electroshock machine! (To Rob: Calling her a bitch in that Instagram post was a bit much... but other than that? You hit the nail directly on the head.)


TUESDAY, MARCH 24

This just in: Zayn Malik is leaving One Direction! This also just in: Who is a "Zayn Malik" and what is a "One Direction"? To answer these questions, we've called in One Day at a Time's "senior youth correspondent," our 13-year-old niece Tiffany Marie Romano... umm... who will answer our questions as soon as she's finished texting something of extreme importance to her friend and fellow eighth grader, Ishtar Jennifer McLaney. Waiting... still waiting... peering over her shoulder... yep, they're communicating solely in emoticons, as expected... waiting... aaaaand she's finally finished. "WHO IS ZAYN MALIK?" Tiffany squealed at a decibel level that stopped just shy of exploding our wine glass collection. "Zayn Malik is just the most amazing hottie ever, omigod omigod omigod, and a key member of the five-member band One Direction, who just so happens to be the most popular recording artists in the world according to Billboard magazine! The announcement of his departure has dealt a crushing blow to One Direction fans across the globe, and is possibly absolutely the WORST news I have ever heard in my... entire... life! OMIGOD!" Oh, so you're not so upset about Zayn's fellow band member Harry Styles who's also rumored to be quitting One Direction to pursue acting? "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" Tiffany screamed before running out and slamming the door. "This is like the WORST POSSIBLE DAY OF ANYONE'S LIFE EVERRRRRR!! EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" Well, there go the wine glasses.


WEDNESDAY, MARCH 25

In "animal tragedy news," today we learned that Justin Bieber has acquired a new pet—an absolutely adorably tiny Yorkshire terrier puppy named Esther. Why is this a tragedy? Because JUSTIN BIEBER, DUH. And in case you've forgotten, he isn't exactly Dr. Doolittle when it comes to taking care of animals. Remember Mally, the capuchin monkey that Bieber adopted and then abandoned at the Munich Airport? Or what about Karma, the American bulldog who was sent away to live with Justin's dad, Jeremy? After a biting incident, Jeremy threw the pup out of a second-story window into a snow bank. And how about Pac, the hamster? Tired of the rodent after two months, Pac was given away to a screaming fan at one of Justin's concerts—and almost immediately died from what experts called "sudden environmental change" (AKA "screaming teen disease"). So good luck to you, Esther the Yorkshire terrier! (Maybe you can start a support group with North West and Suri Cruise?)


THURSDAY, MARCH 26

Mad Men actor/dreamboat Jon Hamm announced he just successfully completed 30 days of rehab for alcohol addiction. "Life throws a lot at you sometimes," Hamm said to Australia's TV Week. "Acting can be a difficult endeavor—certainly not as difficult [as] being a baby heart surgeon. But it does present its own challenges, and so does life." It takes guts to admit one's problems, and even more guts to do something about them—so kudos to Hamm for taking the necessary steps. That said, he should keep his day job... baby heart surgeons require steady hands. (Wait... is he talking about a surgeon who operates on baby hearts, or a surgeon who's an actual baby?)


FRIDAY, MARCH 27

"They go to a really hard school, and this week we had three hours of homework [a night]," Britney Spears told People about her sons Sean Preston and Jayden James. "Some of it is hard for me. Next year when [Preston's] in fifth grade, he's going to be doing pre-algebra, and I'm taking classes so I know how to do it." Here's a sentence we never thought we'd type: That's some good parenting, Britney! Still, it's stories like this that make us ever-so-fondly remember those halcyon days when our dear mother would sit down to help us with our algebra homework. "You'll never need to know this, dear," she'd say, approximately five seconds after taking a seat at the kitchen table and approximately three seconds before swigging down her martini, standing up, and walking away. "Trust me, hon—no adult in their right mind has any goddamn need for it." She was, of course, 100 percent correct (and that was before we all had calculators on our iPhones).


SATURDAY, MARCH 28

Meanwhile, in Indiana, Republicans are doing their best to make life worse for gays, thanks to a new law that "opens the door for individuals or companies to refuse actions that impose a 'substantial burden' on their religious beliefs," reports the New York Times. "Advocates of equal rights for gays said the laws pose a threat of abetting discrimination, especially from business owners who object to participating in same-sex weddings." While the law fell under swift criticism from the Indianapolis-based NCAA ("We are especially concerned about how this legislation could affect our student-athletes and employees"), Hillary Clinton ("Sad this new Indiana law can happen in America today"), and Apple CEO Tim Cook, Indiana Governor Mike Pence pretended that allowing bigots to have a legal excuse for their bigotry could never cause any problems at all! "If I thought it legalized discrimination in any way," Pence said, probably while crossing his fingers behind his back, "I would have vetoed it." IN OTHER DEPRESSING NEWS... It appears that the likely presidential candidates can agree on at least one thing: Financial inequality is bad. But while everyone from Ted Cruz to Hillary Clinton has used "inequality" as a talking point, neither the Republican hopefuls nor Clinton—the all-but-certain Democratic nominee—are willing to propose the one thing that would fix it: fairly taxing the one percent. "By contrast," the New York Times reports, citing a 2013 Gallup poll, "more than half of Americans... believe the 'government should redistribute wealth by heavy taxes on the rich.'" Still, let's look on the bright side: Sure, politicians' refusal to tax the rich puts them at odds with the majority of Americans—but it makes them perfectly lockstep with their rich donors! Three cheers for American democracy, everybody!


SUNDAY, MARCH 29

As screwed up as America might be, at least we aren't Australia—because then we'd have a Nicole Kidman to deal with! Ugh. Seems that on the set of the upcoming film The Secret in Their Eyes, trouble's brewing between Aussie Nicole and Julia Roberts. "Julia HATES the way Nicole treats the crew!" a source gabbed to the National Enquirer. "She acts like they're servants, and doesn't talk to them—except to issue commands—while Julia now knows everyone's first names, and makes a point of being friendly." Reportedly, Kidman straight up ignored requests to sign a birthday card for one of the film's makeup ladies—at which point Julia saw her chance! "Ordering a huge birthday cake delivered right outside Nicole's trailer, Julia led the cast and crew in a super-loud sing-along of 'Happy Birthday,'" the source continues, "right under Her Majesty's window!" Wait... is it too late for Julia Roberts to run for president? Because having a ruler who decrees, "Let them eat cake," and then actually gives us cake sounds pretty ideal.