TOM CRUISE Whatever you do, don't serve him cookie dough in a chipped mug.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 2

It's the gift that keeps on giving! We're speaking, of course, of Leah Remini's new tell-all book Troublemaker: Surviving Hollywood and Scientology! Regular One Day readers know that Leah was a Scientology member for 30 years (!) before finally growing sick of their baloney, and then she started spilling some very juicy beans about the cult and one of its most powerful members, Tom Cruise. Not only did Leah dish about the 2006 wedding of Tom and former Stepford Wife Katie Holmes (she allegedly left him waiting at the altar for 20 minutes), she also witnessed Tom tearing his assistant a new butthole over a mug with a chip in the rim. "You served me tea in a chipped mug?" he screamed, according to Leah. "Do you know who gets served with a mug that's chipped? Fucking DBs." Now in Scientology lingo, "DB" stands for "degraded beings"—or, if you prefer "scrubs," as in the old TLC song, and... "Don't you DARE bring TLC into this," screamed Emperor Klaktu, official spokesalien for Scientology, via intergalactic holotube from his home planet of Rigel VII. "TLC's album FanMail (1999) was an instant classic, and I won't listen to anyone besmirching the names of T-Boz, Chilli, and Left Eye!" Okay! Okay! Sorry! But do you have any comment on Tom Cruise flipping out over a chipped mug? "You're kidding, right?" Klaktu responded, slapping his forehead with seven of his tentacles. "News flash: Tom Cruise has a net worth of $470 million. So NO—Tom Cruise is NOT going to drink from a chipped mug or a Smucker's jelly jar. Don't go chasing waterfalls, Ann! #CrazySexyCool."

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 3

Well, as long as we have Emperor Klaktu in the house, we may as well address two more Tom Cruise/Scientology rumors mentioned in Leah Remini's book. RUMOR #1: Leah claims that she attended a party in which Cruise forced his guests (including Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith) to play the children's game "hide and seek" on "three full acres of secluded land." And RUMOR #2: Leah also saw Cruise verbally abusing his assistant again—this time over improperly prepared cookie dough. When the assistant asked how to improve the cookie dough, Tom allegedly squealed, "Get in the fucking present time is what you need to do!" Naturally, Klaktu insisted on weighing in. "Okay, first of all—anyone who doesn't like to play hide and seek is a monster," Klaktu replied, thoughtfully stroking his gills. "Leah is clearly jealous because Tom is incredibly difficult to find—after all, he is so wee. Secondly, how does one fuck up cookie dough? Well, one way is by using the time machine stored in the Scientology headquarters in Clearwater, Florida. Many of our personal assistants use this time machine to be in many places at once, thereby making them far more productive. BUT! If you've traveled back in time to 2006 to talk Katie Holmes into not abandoning Tom at the altar, WHILE you're fucking up cookie dough in 2015—then maybe it would be better, as Tom put it, to 'get in the fucking present time' so his cookies don't taste like Cerulian Fanged Buffalo droppings! DO YOU UNDERSTAND, ANN? FINALLY?!?" (To our readers: Is it just us, or is Klaktu actually starting to make sense?)

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 4

This just in: Justin Bieber has no idea who Bette Midler is. As reported recently in One Day, Justin's dad tweeted a response to leaked internet pictures of his son's penis, saying "What do you feed that thing? #ProudDaddy." EWW. Apparently music and acting icon Bette Midler had a similar reaction, because she responded, "The biggest dick in the situation is the dad who abandoned his son." That's a pretty sick burn coming from a 69-year-old! Naturally, Baby Bieber was not amused, and in an interview with Billboard magazine, said the following: "This Britt Meddler... I don't even know who that is, honestly. I wanted to immediately say, 'Who is this lady?' but then I'm just feeding this negativity." That's Justin Bieber's version of taking the "high road." Happily, the Divine Miss M shot back with yet another wicked sick tweet, replying, "@justinbieber Britt Meddler? I don't know who that is either! But damn that bitch." It's okay, Justin—even though Bette will be remembered for two Oscar nominations, winning three Grammys, four Golden Globes, a Tony, as well as selling TWICE as many albums as yourself, you'll be remembered, too. (As the douchebag who peed in a mop bucket.)

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 5

Speaking of terrible people who do terrible things, Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson is a fucking idiot. In his latest declaration of idiocy, Ben suggested in an interview that transgender men and women should have their own separate bathrooms... because? "It is not fair for them to make everybody else uncomfortable," Ben said. In the same breath he also noted, "I'm not sure that anybody should have extra rights." Ummm... building separate bathrooms might constitute "extra rights," dontcha think? Oh, sorry—we keep forgetting that "thinking" isn't Ben's strong suit.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 6

In a devastating blow to our city's thriving food scene, Chick-fil-A has vowed to return to Portland. More than 10 years after the last local locations closed, the fast-food chain is opening two new restaurants—with an eye toward opening a dozen more. "Joel Sigmon... a consultant for Chick-fil-A, said the restaurants will open to the usual festivities," the Oregonian reports, "with free Chick-fil-A for a year for the first 100 people in line." First, vomit noise. Second, by "people," we assume they meant to say "homophobes"—as the Christ-lovin', Georgia-based chain is infamous for donating huge sums of money to anti-gay marriage causes. "When asked, Sigmon didn't think those views would be a problem in the liberal Portland area," the Oregonian continued. "He said the restaurants' top priorities are 'providing great food and great hospitality in a clean environment.'" Eat up, bigots! MEANWHILE... According to the New York Times, Hillary Clinton's campaign is dabbling in "neuropolitics"—the use of facial-recognition technology to gauge voters' reactions to ads. A camera records people's expressions when they see an ad—then catalogs "emotional reactions like happiness, surprise, anger, distrust, fear, and sadness. With all the unwitting feedback, the campaign could then tweak the message—the images, sounds, or words—to come up with a version that voters might like better." In related news, we live in the future, and the future is terrible.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 7

"I'm a human being with a conscience," Quentin Tarantino told the Associated Press while marching in New York City with protesters who called for justice for the victims of police shootings. "And if you believe there's murder going on, then you need to rise up and stand up against it," the director continued. "I'm here to say I'm on the side of the murdered." Given that the Washington Post reports a whopping 840 Americans have been shot dead by police in 2015—and that 29 of them were "black and unarmed"—that seems like a pretty legit stance, Tarantino! Good on you! Oh... wait. Turns out the cops heard about it too. Like... all the cops, and they're calling for a boycott of Tarantino's films. "Questioning everything we do threatens public safety by discouraging officers from putting themselves in positions where their legitimate actions could be falsely portrayed as thuggery," said Craig Lally of the Los Angeles Police Protective League. "Mr. Tarantino has made a good living through his films, projecting into society at large violence and respect for criminals," Philadelphia police union president John McNesby said. "It turns out [he] also hates cops." Meanwhile, Carl Dix, one of the organizers of the march, pointed out something: That the cops' overly defensive tantrums are intended to send a message, "not just to Tarantino, but to anyone whose voice carries great weight in society: If you speak out, we will come after you, threaten your livelihood, and attempt to scare you back into silence." Just imagine, dears, if instead of going after some film nerd, cops used that energy to... oh, we don't know. Maybe stop shooting unarmed black people. IN OTHER NEWS...Tonight—despite protests, petitions, and good taste—Donald Trump hosted Saturday Night Live... and gave the show its highest ratings in years, with as many as 10 million tuning in. At press time, estimates were that 9,999,996 of those viewers were depressed people. The others were the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 8

What's this? More Ben Carson news! Following this week's questions about if the presidential candidate was offered a full scholarship to West Point (he wasn't), even more questions about Carson's dubious personal history arose—about whether or not he actually tried to stab someone when he was young, if he really did protect white students after riots following the assassination of Martin Luther King Jr., and if, as Carson informed graduates at a commencement speech in 1998, the pyramids were built to store grain. But the best of Carson's dubious tales is masterfully summed up by a Gawker headline: "Ultimate Trickster Ben Carson Claims He Was Named 'Most Honest' Student in Yale Class That Didn't Exist." "The class, according to Carson, was called Perceptions 301," Gawker continues, and Carson claims that after tricking all the other students in the class, the professor singled him out and declared him to be "the most honest student in the class." There's just one problem: "The Yale Library confirmed to the Wall Street Journal that no such class existed during Carson's tenure at Yale," Gawker continues, "and the photo that Carson claims was taken of the incident cannot be found." THIS JUST IN... Ben Carson is sick of you guys calling him a liar! Today on Meet the Press, Carson blamed the "secular progressive movement" for the discrepancies in his stories. "I'm a very big threat, because, you know, they can look at the polling data," Carson bragged. "They can tell that I'm the candidate who's most likely to beat Hillary Clinton." Ben! You're on Meet the Press! Just try not to lie for like, five seconds!