MONDAY, DECEMBER 7 So at last count, nine women—none of which are his wife—have been accused of playing 18 holes with Tiger Woods. (We'll let you figure out how we did the math.) And since this story has more twists and turns than a golf club wrapped around Tiger's neck, let's update you on the latest, hilarious shenanigans. ITEM! "Thanks for the liposuction, Tiger!" Alleged mistress #4 Jamie Jungers (represented by Trashygirls.com, we kid you not) stands accused by Life & Style magazine of receiving "thousands of dollars" from Tiger, "to get liposuction on her thighs." (Hey, who can blame her? With that many mistresses in the game, it's a lot of competition!) ITEM! Alleged mistress #1 Rachel Uchitel is boo-hooing today about being publicly maligned. "People have called me homewrecker, gold-digger, tramp, whore," Rachel kvetched to OK! magazine. "I make mistakes, but I'm not those things. I have very good qualities." Such as taking responsibility for your actions? Burn. ITEM! According to Us magazine, Tiger refused to wear condoms with at least two of his flings, including mistress #2 Jaimee Grubbs (a member of the reality show Tool Academy, we kid you not) as well as mistress #5 Mindy Lawton (a pancake house waitress—again, we kid you not). "[Mindy] said he never wore condoms," Mindy's sister Lynn told News of the World, "I was so worried she might catch a disease, especially as we suspected he was promiscuous." Which leads us to the most disturbing item of the day... ITEM! A source tells Us magazine that mistress #2 Jaimee Grubbs has been romantically involved with... GEORGE CLOONEY?? (Now do you people see why we keep insisting there is no God??)
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 8 Today features three Tiger Woods stories, which, to our mind, are classic examples of "cause and effect." ITEM #1: Us magazine revealed the contents of sexy text messages (or "sextings," as old people like to call them) allegedly attributed to Tiger and mistress #2 Jaimee Grubbs. Here are the grossest parts. TIGER: I need you. JAIMEE: then get your tight ass over here and visit me! I need u. TIGER: I will wear you out soon. JAIMEE: how soon? I got a new piercing. [EWWWWW! OMG, here's another.] JAIMEE: why I keep falling more and more for u ;). TIGER: because I'm blasian. [Hmm... we'd say 20 percent "blasian" and 80 percent "assholian."] ITEM #2: Tiger Woods' mother-in-law was rushed to the hospital today complaining of severe stomach pains. ITEM #3: Radar reports that Tiger Woods' wife Elin has moved out of their house. (After seeing those text messages, we're surprised our stomach didn't threaten to move out.)
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 9 Now hold on just a second! Us magazine is now claiming there's a 13th Tiger Woods mistress. WHO WERE 10, 11 AND 12?? Well apparently they didn't matter as much as a porn star, because mistress #13 is allegedly adult film actress Joslyn James (real name: Veronica Siwik-Daniels), who Hubby Kip may have seen in such high-minded titles as Big Breasted Nurses and Anal Training. This makes the second porn star linked to Tiger, including mistress #7 Holly Sampson, who Hubby Kip informs me he has seen in Girl on Girl Tickle Wards as well as OMG! Stop Tickling Me. Look for Hubby Kip in the upcoming sequel, OMG! Ann Won't Stop Tickling My Face with Her Fists. MEANWHILE... According to the Daily News, a Hollywood madam by the name of Michelle Braun claims Tiger spent over $60,000 on high-priced hookers, and preferred to have threesomes. IN A RELATED STORY... Fallen pop star Jessica Simpson is now dating former indie idol Billy Corgan of the Smashing Pumpkins. Why is this "a related story"? Because this shit is getting unbelievable.
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 10 Let's take a break for a little Jon & Kate! In truly tragic news, a court has ordered Jon Gosselin (formerly of TLC's Jon & Kate Plus Eight) to stop showing up in the media so much. TLC complained that Jon has been making unauthorized appearances such as hosting Vegas pool parties, traipsing around with gal pals, and threatening to start a "Hollywood Rebel" clothing line. (Umm... we're pretty sure he could get 50 years to life for that alone!) MEANWHILE... If you're curious how the eight children featured in Jon & Kate Plus Eight are doing, well... they're doing HORRIBLY, thankyouverymuch! According to their shrewish mom Kate Gosselin, the children are distraught because they're no longer featured on their mom's annoying TV show. "They cried in the van on the way home from school the other day," Kate moaned to Barbara Walters. "They kept asking, 'Where's the camera crew? We miss them!'" And we're sure the camera crew misses eight kids refusing to let go of their pant legs and screaming, "You've GOT to take us with you! She's crazy! CRAZY!"
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 11 "I didn't even get a birthday card," complained 26-year-old cocktail waitress/mistress #4/"trashygirl" Jamie Jungers. "I got nothing out of this relationship but a broken heart!" This morning Jungers spilled the beans on Today, claiming she had a year-and-a-half-long, "boyfriend-girlfriend relationship" with Tiger Woods shortly after he married Elin Nordegren. The moral of the story™? Always buy your mistresses birthday cards, gents. You'll be amazed at how a cheap piece of cardstock with "Hallmark" on it can keep us ladies from telling the whole world about what a jerk you are, or how you'd rather play Dragon Age on your Xbox than come to bed with your witty, seductive wife. Kip. IN RELATED NEWS... Tiger Woods is quitting golf! "After much soul searching, I have decided to take an indefinite break from professional golf," the philandering putterer wrote on his website. "I need to focus my attention on being a better husband, father, and person." To which we say: Thank Christ! If we ever have to type the words "Tiger" and "Woods" again, it'll be too soon.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 12 So... Hugh Grant! That name ring any bells? Four Weddings and a Funeral? No? Bridget Jones' Diary? No? Getting caught soliciting a prostitute and stammering through a humiliating apology on Jay Leno? Yes! Well! (A) He's still alive, and (B) in a misguided attempt to trick people into seeing his new romantic comedy, he's doing interviews about how rich he is. "I'd been having a drunken dinner with my father," he told the Daily Mail, "and I said, 'We ought to go see my brother Jamie. You know, the Concorde's amazing.' And [my father] said, 'I hear it is.' So I bought him a Concorde ticket and we went. We had lunch, drank a lot of beer. And I was thinking about some stuff in the Sotheby's auction and I saw the Liz Taylor." That "Liz Taylor" is a painting by Andy Warhol, which Grant paid £2 million for and later sold for £13 million. "Grant, 49, had been on a two-day drinking spree when he ordered an assistant to bid for the painting," the Mail reports. The moral of the story™? While you're barely making your mortgage, Hugh Grant is on the Concorde, drunkenly buying fine art whenever he fancies. Nobody ever said life was fair, dears.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 13 Okay, we know we said we'd never write the "T" and "W" words again, but... OMG. Today Elin Nordegren left the house to gas up the family SUV, and she was not wearing her wedding ring! BLIND SPECULATION! Elin is dun-zo with "T," and will shortly bail on the "W" household, most likely leaving her wedding ring behind with a sobbing "T." Expect mistress #4 Jamie Jungers to swoop in and grab the ring—which would totes make up for never getting some crappy card. That is, unless #2 Jaimee Grubbs, #1 Rachel Uchitel, and #7 Holly Sampson get there first. MISTRESS FIGHT!