MONDAY, JUNE 21 Former reality star/current harpy Kate Gosselin (of Jon & Kate Plus Eight) is either being led around by invisible fishhooks implanted in her forehead, or she's the victim of a terrible Botox accident. Looking at before and after photos, prominent plastic surgeon Dr. Michael Olding tells Us magazine that "the lateral part of her brow is elevated in an abnormally high position, which my patients refer to as McDonald's arches." NYC-based Dr. Steven Pearlman agrees, postulating that the botched Botox treatment may have forced the muscles near her temples to be unaffected, "so they overact, giving her this Jack Nicholson type of look." OHHHH! Now we see her plan: A new Batman movie is being planned... Jack Nicholson is too old... Heath Ledger is dead... you do the math. MEANWHILE... Major Lindsay Lohan controversy, guys! LiLo unleashed a fiery series of Twatters today, claiming that the Bravo reality show Double Exposure (haven't seen it, don't plan to) had "set her up" to make it appear that she was eight hours late for a photo shoot. "This couldn't be more UNTRUE," twatted Lohan. "I was given the wrong call time—now I know on purpose... it was a set up!" In related news: 911 WAS AN INSIDE JOB!!
TUESDAY, JUNE 22 So how are things going for the war in Afghanistan? NOT SO GREAT. Not only are we in the ninth year of this ongoing campaign with little to show for it (unless one counts mounting casualties), a Rolling Stone interview with General Stanley A. McChrystal has proven that he and his staff have little to no respect for President Obama's national security team. General and National Security Chief James L. Jones was referred to as "a clown" by one of McChrystal's top aides, while another labeled a French minister as "fucking gay." Meanwhile McChrystal himself giddily referred to Vice President Joe Biden as "Bite Me." Within 24 hours of the story breaking, McChrystal was taken behind President Obama's woodshed, and fired for the crime of being stupid enough to insult your boss on the record to a reporter from Rolling Stone magazine. And while we're on the subject, "Bite Me"? Seriously? That's the best he could come up with? Happily, McChrystal has since been replaced by General David H. Petraeus, whose nickname for Vice President Biden (Señorita Gloryhole) is far more creative.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 23 Today the National Enquirer reported that in 2006, former Vice President Al Gore came to OUR city to allegedly sexually assault one of OUR massage therapists! The veep was in town to speak on the evils of global warming, and while staying in the Hotel Lucia hired a licensed masseuse to come up to his room. According to a police report filed by the unnamed masseuse, Gore allegedly grabbed her hand, trying to force it onto his groin (EWW!), fondled her buttocks and breasts (EWW!), and threw her down on the bed while trying to tongue kiss her (EWW!). Referring to him as "a crazed sex poodle," the masseuse claims she screamed, "Get off me, you big lummox!" before making a hasty retreat. The Portland Tribune declined to run the story because the woman was unwilling to speak on the record or press formal charges. However, according to the Enquirer, the masseuse did try to sell her version of events to them for $1 million. (What? The Tribune doesn't have $1 million lying around?) The tabloid turned down her offer, preferring to get the entire story from a public records police report—for free. For his part, Gore has declined to comment on the alleged incident, or the accusation that he also made her to listen to Pink on his iPod dock (EWW!). If true, you sir, are nothing less than a MONSTER.
THURSDAY, JUNE 24 To the delight of nerds everywhere, the new iPhone 4 was released today, inspiring hundreds of thousands of Americans to wait in line for hours for (c'mon people!) A TELEPHONE. However in Los Angeles, one nerd campout turned ugly when Arrested Development star Jason Bateman was pulled from the line by an employee and allowed to go directly into the store without waiting. According to a source, the response was immediate and vicious. "The crowd freaked and booed," an onlooker told Us magazine, "and [Bateman] just put his head down." So tell us, Jason: If we want to be publicly humiliated and booed by a line of nerds because we were too impatient to wait for A TELEPHONE... is there an app for that?
FRIDAY, JUNE 25 "This woman is a jerk. I hate her," Jerry Seinfeld ranted on a New York radio station earlier this week, incensed that Lady Gaga had taken up residence in his private box at Citi Field. Lady Gaga—who had been flipping off photographers and fans—was given Seinfeld's vacant box without his permission, which inspired the former sitcom star to go on a seemingly endless rant about manners, these kids today, why the store down the street carries neither Werther's nor AARP magazine, and how come his grandchildren won't call him back when he has questions about what to tell the mouse to make his email send a letter. "I can't believe they put her in my box, which I paid for," Seinfeld rambled. "You give people the finger and you're upgraded? Is that the world we're living in now? It's pathetic. And why is she giving the finger? How old is the finger? How'd it even get to be the finger? Somewhere along the line, somebody decided 'This is the bad finger.' [EDITOR'S NOTE: This is what was known back in the '90s as "riffing."] I don't know what these young people think or how they promote their careers," Seinfeld concluded, smacking his lips as he grew weary from exertion. "I'm older, you know. I'm 56... wake me when it's over. Get an act." Congrats, Jerry. We hate you more than Kramer now.
SATURDAY, JUNE 26 Megan Fox wants to play a lesbian Native American superhero, we guess? While promoting her latest cinematic dud, Jonah Hex, the former Transformers floozy told Fox News what role she really wants: "I would like to be Rainmaker in Gen 13 if they ever make that into a movie." Wait... what? Sigh. We were really hoping we wouldn't have to do this, but when it comes to news about Megan Fox, we must turn to our household's foremost Fox authority: Hubby Kip (who also has entirely too many comic books). "Gen 13 was awesome!" Kip squealed when asked to translate Fox's bizarre dweeb language. "Rainmaker was this smokin' Indian chick who could make weather happen and stuff. She was also totally into chicks! In fact, in issue number 67, if I remember correctly, Rainmaker 'made it rain' in the pants of—" Annnd that's enough of that.
SUNDAY, JUNE 27 Jon Gosselin (formerly of Jon & Kate Plus Eight) is starting over—and following the example of drunken skanks everywhere, he's marking the occasion with a tacky tattoo! "I wanted something that resembled a rebirth or a change in me," Gosselin told Radar, showing off the massive (and massively ugly) dragon tattoo that now covers his entire back. But that's not all: Gosselin also hired a new manager, Canaan Rubin, who wasted no time trying to spin the non-news. "This tattoo for Jon marks a turning point in his life, and symbolizes his time of change and improvement," Rubin said, probably while rolling his eyes. Meanwhile, Gosselin also hired a new life coach, and proudly boasted, "I have just completed section two of my Total Leadership Connection program!" In related news, this is the last that anyone will ever, ever hear from Jon Gosselin. Thank Christ.