LINDSAY LOHAN Maximum Lohan.

MONDAY, AUGUST 16 This week started with some semi-alarming news from Us magazine: "Angelina Jolie to Play Marilyn Monroe." Now, normally this sort of blurb would barely raise a manicured eyebrow—but the film (based on the book The Life and Opinions of Maf the Dog) is also slated to star... wait for it... GEORGE CLOONEY AS FRANK SINATRA. For our younger readers, Frank Sinatra was the Justin Bieber of World War II—but that's not what's important right now. What's important is that man-stealing harpy Jolie will undoubtedly pilfer George away from his current flame/trollop Elisabetta Canalis, and after she eventually dumps him for her next conquest (Justin Bieber, maybe?), George will be ours... ALL OURS! Note: We know this is a pathetic way to land a man—but hey! Desperate times = desperate measures. MEANWHILE... Well-known Tinselturd plastic surgeon Dr. Frank Ryan—the doc who "Frankensteined" Heidi Montag with TEN surgeries in one day—died today after his Jeep careened off the Pacific Coast Highway onto the rocks below. And while we are loath to speak ill of the dead, Ryan was reportedly either texting or twatting about his dog (who was in the vehicle) when the crash occurred. On the upside, the dog survived the accident, meaning that natural selection has once again worked her magic. On the downside, we'll be reminded of this grotesque incident every time we look at Ryan's work (i.e. the grotesque face/body of Heidi Montag). Urghh.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 17 Speaking of the "grotesque," conservative radio talk show host Dr. Laura Schlessinger announced today she is ending her long-running radio show. Big sigh of relief on three! One... two... AHHHHH. Her radio retirement follows last week's scandal when she used the "N-word" on her show 11 times, justifying her racism by arguing how terribly unfair it was for blacks to use the term freely while poor, unfortunate marginalized whites could not. Boo-hoo-hooo, you ugly whore hag! Naturally, Laura issued a weak non-apology, and defended her retirement on the Larry King Show. "I want to regain my First Amendment rights," the evil racist crone whined. "I want to be able to say what's on my mind... without someone getting angry, without some special interest group deciding this is the time to silence a voice of dissent." WOW. Actually, there's a great opportunity for Dr. Laura to get her own show with people who think just like her. It's called "Radio Taliban."

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 18 Though we're still very suspicious, it would appear that our long bloody war with Iraq may finally be drawing to a close. It was announced today that the last U.S. combat troops are withdrawing from Iraq, leaving behind them an ugly reminder of former President Bush's handiwork. Mercury News Editor Denis C. Theriault summed it up accurately today on Blogtown. "The toll for the United States has been grim. 4,415 service members killed and 32,000 more wounded in a conflict that's raged longer than World War II. But consider the toll on the Iraqi people our soldiers were instructed to save from Saddam Hussein: as many as 107,000 killed since the war began. And another number? Zero. As in zero weapons of mass destruction uncovered in a bloody operation launched in the passionate aftermath of September 11, hailed by some as the first step in a new age of American fury. But others saw it as nothing more than a resources grab, an attempt at staking a foothold in a turbulent region vital to sustaining our wealthy way of life." Sooo... whaddaya say there, wealthy American? "Mission accomplished"?

THURSDAY, AUGUST 19 Here's a situation that could last even longer than Operation Iraqi Freedom: the divorce and ensuing publicity war between The Hills' Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag. While their divorce will be legal on Valentine's Day 2011 (isn't it romantic?), Spencer is milking the situation for all it's worth by allegedly penning a tell-all book about his life with Heidi and her tortured relationship with mom Darlene Egelhoff. After quickly realizing this book is sure to be a boring flop that no one in their right mind would ever buy or read, Spencer made yet another announcement today that he is in negotiations to release a sex tape featuring himself and Heidi. GAH-ROSS!! And after quickly realizing that no one in their right mind would ever want to see these loathsome creatures naked (much less mating! BLECHH! PA-TOOIE!), Spencer upped the ante again by adding that the sex tape would include footage of a lesbian tryst between Heidi and Playboy playmate Karissa Shannon. According to perpetual horndog and porn enthusiast Hubby Kip, "Welllll, okay, I might watch that. If someone bags Heidi's face... and boobs... and body. Wait. Can you bag a voice?"

FRIDAY, AUGUST 20 Between such illuminating articles as "A Brief History of Fraternity Hazing" and "How to Tell If You're Dating a Russian Spy," the latest issue of Maxim—a magazine to which, we're oh-so-proud to say, Hubby Kip is a loyal subscriber—features a photoshoot with none other than Lindsay Lohan! Shot shortly before LiLo's fateful appearance in a Los Angeles courtroom (and her ensuing time in the slammer), the spread features plenty of pictures of a half-naked Lohan—who looks healthy, mightily freckled, and not too shabby in a black-and-white striped bikini that's ever-so-slightly reminiscent of an old-timey prison uniform. But even better is the mag's incredibly brief interview with the troubled starlet. When asked by the sensitive lads at Maxim, "What is your advice to others about how to cope with adversity?," Lindsay responds, "Stay true to yourself always. At the end of the day, you have to look at yourself in the mirror and be content with the choices you've made, and will make, in your life. Go with your gut!" Hey, somebody get Dan Savage on the phone. Tell him the Mercury just got a new advice columnist, and his services will no longer be needed.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 21 It's hard being a celebrity, you guys! Take Jennifer Aniston, who has to put up with near-constant indignities—whether it's her husband being stolen by someone way hotter, or bookies placing bets on her whenever it's Kentucky Derby season. This weekend, life gave her another slap in the face: her latest film, The Switch, bombed horribly. C'mon, people! The last thing Jennifer needs is to be reminded that nobody likes her! Then again, the last thing any of us need is another crappy Jennifer Aniston movie, so we suppose it evens out. MEANWHILE... Celebrity status isn't working out any better for musician Wyclef Jean, who reminded everyone he existed a little while ago when he vowed to run for president of Haiti. Haiti—a nation that already has their share of disasters, thankyewverymuch—thankfully found an excuse to keep the former Fugee from pursuing higher office, pointing out that since Jean hasn't lived in Haiti since he was nine years old, he's ineligible for the presidency. As of press time, Jean was considering a run for governor of Alaska, where apparently anyone can be elected.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 22 Conan O'Brien's beleaguered staffers are getting a hefty pay cut thanks to CoCo's move to TBS, reports the New York Post. "This is no surprise," an insider tells the Post. "One show was broadcast network; the other is basic cable. It's a different pay scale." Take heart, O'Brien employees: First, at least you're not working for Jay Leno, where you'd probably be making scads of money (at the very least, you'd be making more than Jennifer Aniston), but you'd also be damned to eternal hellfire. Second, take comfort in some words of advice from someone very wise: "Stay true to yourself always. At the end of the day, you have to look at yourself in the mirror and be content with the choices you've made, and will make, in your life. Go with your gut!" Keep those words close to your hearts, dears, and everything will be okay. Right?