MONDAY, DECEMBER 27 We know you've been patiently waiting to find out how Hollyweird's hottest celebs celebrated the birth of Christ—so let's get to it! In a shocking turn of events, professional spinster Jennifer Aniston DID NOT spend Christmas alone this year, sharing it instead with former Friends castmate and spinster-in-training Courteney Cox (who recently split with her hubby). Oh, and Santa also dropped by just to put an extra helping of "SAD" into their stocking. NEXT! Former reality star Kelly Osbourne (daughter of Ozzy) spent the most holiest of days shit-talking her ex-boyfriend Luke Worrall on Twatter, concentrating on his alleged philandering ways. "Dont think I have ever felt so stupid he made a fool of me going to be off Twitter for a while never felt heart brake like this in my life," Kelly said in her grammatically hilarious run-on twat. Luckily her threat to abandon Twatter was short lived, and she quickly continued her confusing cyber rampage against Worrall: "Fucking 100's of girls as we as men behind my back all he did was use me all girls beware of @Luke_worral he is a using Cunt!" Well, we're certainly glad she got that off her chest, and... oh, wait... she's not finished. "@Luke_worrall is the biggest piece of shit he has been trying to get back w/me I only came home for Xmas to see him mean while he has been." WHOA, WHOA, KELLY! Now you're just typing random letters! Take a valium, and hopefully Santa will add an auto-correct function to your BlackBerry!
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 28 More updates on how your fave celebs spent their Christmas vacation! And lest you think it was all one big angry, twattering coke fest—well, mostly it was... except for this: Elton John and longtime partner David Furnish became ecstatically happy parents on Christmas, welcoming their son (via surrogate) named Zachary Jackson Levon Furnish-John. Congratulations to the happy pair, and let's get back to the angry, twattering coke fest. NEXT! Actor/Patron Saint of Whores Charlie Sheen was nowhere to be seen on Christmas—according to his loved ones, that is, who complained that Chuckles missed three family events. However, NOBODY PANIC. Charlie was not alone for the holidays! "He likes hookers and he likes coke and he's got enough money for both," a source told Radar Online. "He's been having a great time partying like crazy for the last several weeks." Phew! We would hate to think Charlie awoke on Christmas morn without a pound of blow and a dead prostitute under his tree! NEXT! Playboy founder/lothario/shambling human skeleton Hugh Hefner, 84, got engaged to yet another immediately forgettable 24-year-old busty blonde, and... didn't he get this for Christmas last year? And weren't they twins?
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 29 The loveable Natalie Portman announced today that not only is she engaged to her Black Swan co-star (and choreographer) Benjamin Millepied, she's preggers as well! Unsurprisingly, Hubby Kip was not exactly thrilled by the news. "I don't know, hon..." he said. "To get over this, I think I'm gonna need to watch the Black Swan lesbian scene." We love him, and yet? Sometimes he's a fucking pig. MEANWHILE... Twatter rears its ugly head again—this time in regard to rapper/creepy ex-girlfriend abuser Chris Brown. The Twatter rampage took place when rapper Raz (formerly of the group B2K) twatted about Brown "disrespecting women." Well! No one (except those who speak the truth) says that about Chris Brown! "@razb2k nigga you want attention!" Brown furiously twatted. "Grow up nigga!!! Dick in da ass little boy... Tell me this @razb2k!! Why when the money was coming in u won't complaining about getting butplugged! #homothug!!!" (Brown was referring to Raz's earlier admission that he was molested when he was younger. Wow. He is ONE CLASS ACT.) The twat fight went on and on until we assume their publicists finally screamed, "What the FUCK are you people doing?!?" and Brown hit the brakes on his homophobic remarks. "BTW... I love all my gay fans and this immature act is not targeted at you!!!! Love." Ahhh... sleep tight, little gays. Chris Brown loves you! (Wait... isn't that what he said to Rihanna?)
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 30 Guys! Soccer ball bender David Beckham really wants you to know he did not have sex with a prostitute, and has filed a $25 million lawsuit, which he thinks will somehow prove it! Intent on suing Irma Nici (the prosty in question) and In Touch magazine (who happily published the rumors), Beckham denies having sex with Nici and a co-hooker, adding, "I have never met Nici, let alone committed adultery or paid her for sex." Okay, okay! We're convinced! We're also convinced there's no such thing as adultery or sex, and marrying a former Spice Girl is the smartest move you've ever made in your life.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 31 Former child star Macaulay Culkin and Black Swan starlet Mila Kunis are dunzo! The news—which instantly set off a spate of "Macaulay's been left... home alone!" jokes—is apparently kinda old, as the couple split awhile ago, but kept things quiet while Kunis promoted Black Swan (a particular sequence of which Hubby Kip has now downloaded and watched roughly 9,000 times). This isn't a good sign, dears: Culkin and Kunis had been together for eight years, which, in Hollywood relationship years, is 500 millennia. What could possibly be a worse omen for 2011? MEANWHILE... How about A PLAGUE OF 5,000 DEAD BIRDS INEXPLICABLY COVERING THE TINY TOWN OF BEEBE, ARKANSAS?! "Around 11 that night, thousands of red-winged blackbirds began falling out of the sky over this small city about 35 miles northeast of Little Rock," reports the New York Times. "They landed on roofs, roads, front lawns, and backyards, turning the ground nearly black and terrifying anyone who happened to be outside." When asked for any theories about what might have caused the terrifying plague of dead birds, Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII squinted his sinister eye-stalks, calmly stroked his chin-polyps and grinning cryptically, muttered, "Enjoy your precious '2011,' Earthlings. Enjoy it very much indeed."
SATURDAY, JANUARY 1 Welcome to 2011, dears! Particularly sharp readers of this column might remember that we kicked off 2010 with a tweet from our fave One Day guest star, Lindsay Lohan: "2010 is about moving forward, not backwards," Linds twatted. "Leaving the bad (people, habbits, and negative energy behind) to make changes-right!?!? :)." A few hours afterward, Lohan hit a photographer with her car, kicking off a year in which LiLo indulged all her bad "habbits": getting busted with coke, being sent to jail, rocking a stylish SCRAM alcohol-monitoring anklet.... So it seems only right we begin 2011 with LiLo's first tweet of 2011, comin' at ya right out of rehab: "Today is the first day of the rest of my life 'The future depends on what we do in the present.' –Mahatma Gandhi... One step at a time...." (As of press time, no paparazzi have reported being hit by a car driven by Lohan, but please note: The year is young.)
SUNDAY, JANUARY 2 Brangelina has donated $2 million to a Namibian wildlife sanctuary where they spent Christmas with their family, reports the AP! Putting the donation in the name of their Namibian-born daughter, Shiloh, Brangelina requested the money be used for "large animal conservation projects" as well as "the running of a clinic which provides free medical care to the community of bushmen." Angelina then added, "I eagerly await the time when I can harvest the younglings from my Namibian Baby Farm—I mean, er, this 'wildlife sanctuary.' [Quick! I need a distraction!] Look over there you guys! It's Jennifer Aniston!"