MONDAY, DECEMBER 31
Let's end 2012 with the absolute worst news ever reported in the history of the universe EVER. Kim Kardashian is pregnant with Kanye West's baby! Shocking millions around the globe who'd naturally assumed that a human could never successfully mate with a reptilian gargoyle, Kanye broke the terrible news to 5,000 New Jersey concertgoers last night, yelling out, "Make some noise for my baby mama!" And make noise they did... SCREAMS OF ABJECT TERROR at the thought of what could possibly be gestating in Kim's deformed and evil uterine sac. Sis Kourtney Kardashian (not the fat one, the other one) used her Twatter machine to confirm the news: "Another angel to welcome to our family. Overwhelmed with excitement!" Did she really say "another angel"? HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! Right. (Apparently someone is using a different dictionary than the rest of us.) MEANWHILE... While Kim K will be spending her New Year's Eve earning six figures to stand around a nightclub rubbing the cloven-hoofed fetus growing inside her tummy, Lindsay Lohan is telling friends she'll be on her best behavior, which according to TMZ "means no parties, no clubs, and definitely no drinking on the last night of 2012." The report states that LiLo's plans include a small, quiet dinner in London, and rushing back to her hotel before the parties star... THIS JUST IN! Lindsay has been LYING to her friends (shocked?), because she's actually spending NYE getting paid $100,000 to attend and hobnob at the party of Prince Haji Abdul Azim, son of a Sultan and third in line to the throne of the small, Southeast Asian nation of Brunei! (No, we're not making this up. Brunei is an actual place.) Azim also paid singer Lionel Ritchie a staggering $250,000 to sing, and former sexpot Pamela Anderson $75,000 just to stand around pointing at her augmented breasts. In a related story, we're sitting in soiled, mismatched pajamas, eating a tub of yogurt, and watching Hubby Kip play Minecraft on his PC. We're not getting paid a cent. (Sigh.) Happy New Year, everybody.
TUESDAY, JANUARY 1
Happy New Year's Day, and oh! What better way to spend the first day of 2013 than with some trolling from Rihanna and Chris Brown? The grotesque twosome were spotted doing some heavy canoodling over the Christmas break at an LA Lakers game, and today each posted separate online pictures of themselves waking up... and both photos featured the same polka-dot comforter! STOP HARRASSING US, YOU GUYS! Seriously, we're going to apply for a restraining order! MEANWHILE... Are recently freed Katie Holmes and adorable lothario Jake Gyllenhaal dating? We don't know and we don't care... we just want Rihanna and Chris Brown to stop trolling us!! MEANWHILE... Three things: 1) Sales from the Kim Kardashian sex tape (made with then-boytoy Ray J) have jumped 80 percent, according to TMZ, since the announcement of her pregnancy. Gross! 2) Because they are lying hypocrites, Kim and Kanye vow that their baby will never be featured on any of their future reality shows—at least not while it's an infant. Besides, hasn't the title "666: The Mark of the Beast" already been taken? 3) Since learning of her pregnancy, Kim hasn't experienced any "morning sickness." That's because WE'RE experiencing it for her!!
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 2
A gossip pages photographer was killed today while trying to snap shots of pop star Justin Bieber's car. Freelance paparazzo Chris Guerra spotted who he thought was Bieber behind the wheel of the singer's white Ferrari (turns out it was Justin's pal, Lil Twist), and crossed LA's Sepulveda Boulevard to get photos of the occupants. After being told twice by officers to return to his car, Guerra was struck by an SUV and killed. According to TMZ, Guerra was probably overzealous in his pursuit of Bieber because the photog had earlier allegedly seen the squeaky-clean youngster "smoking marijuana from a pipe" and was going after "an enormous scoop." Bieb's people unsurprisingly deny the dope charge... because Justin would never, ever smoke pot, would he? (Foreshadowing alert!)
THURSDAY, JANUARY 3
Former One Day at a Time goddess Britney Spears has reportedly been a hot mess lately, making all sorts of wild demands—for example, according to the New York Daily News, Brit-Brit's crazy requests on the set of her recent perfume ad. After asking to do her own makeup (bad idea) and be joined on the set by "exotic animals," a source tells the Daily News, "She [then] wanted the producers to fly Vanilla Ice in to duet with her, which was just weird. They called him and he wanted $500,000, so that wasn't going to work." Waitasecond! Who wants to see Vanilla Ice and Britney Spears perform a duet together? This sounds like the best Kickstarter campaign EVER.
FRIDAY, JANUARY 4
Brace yourselves, dears: Shrieking imbecile Jenny McCarthy is bringing "a bit of sexiness" to late night! VH1's latest trainwreck, The Jenny McCarthy Show, will debut in February, and, according to the moronic '90s sex symbol, "kind of have this... sexy, after-hours party" vibe. How so, Jenny? "I've been doing a segment right now called 'Groundbreaking Interviews,' where I take the celebrity and we literally lay on the ground and we look up and we have the camera overhead and I interview them in a casual conversation. And it works quite well. The celebrity kind of lets go and has a little bit more of a conversational tone." You don't say! Friendly reminder, dears: Jenny McCarthy believes vaccines cause autism, and she should no longer be allowed to speak, whether she's on her back or not. MEANWHILE... Jay-Z and Beyoncé's horrifically named progeny has already won an award! Following a vote from over 2,000 participants, BabyNames.com has declared that "Blue Ivy" is the worst celebrity girl's name of 2012. Sorry, Blue Ivy! On the upside, BabyNames.com founder Jennifer Moss notes that at least "we're not seeing crazy names like Pilot Inspektor or Moxie Crimefighter anymore. I think celebrities are becoming a little more sensitive to the fact that the child has to live with his or her name." When reached for comment, Gwyneth Paltrow's eight-year-old daughter Apple agreed. "That's fuckin' great," Apple said while casually setting fire to a DVD of The Royal Tenenbaums. "Hey, know what would've been even better? If dispshit celebrities started becoming a little more sensitive about eight goddamn years ago."
SATURDAY, JANUARY 5
"Unlike other celebs, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West turned down a chance to rake in some serious coin off their unborn child," TMZ writes, adding that the horrid couple is "rejecting a $3 million tabloid offer for the baby's first pics." Wait. Could we have been wrong about this? Could Kimye turn out to be excellent parents? Are they making a wise decision for the first time in their self-absorbed liv—no, no, of course not. "Our sources say the couple has no plans to sell the pics to ANYONE... right now," TMZ continues. "We're told they're aware that public demand will only increase over time—and still might consider offers in the future." Oh, okay. So they're just holding out for more money. Phew. Things were confusing there for a minute.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 6
THIS JUST IN: Justin Bieber is a huge pothead. The day after a paparazzo was killed trying to get pictures of Das Bieb, pics were snapped in a Newport Beach hotel room, with Gawker describing the scene thusly: Beiber, wearing "a sweatshirt like an unemployed person" and surrounded by friends drinking beers, was holding "what appears to be a joint." Naturally, Justin hopped to the Twitters to (sort of) apologize to his concerned fans, most of who are of the age where they're still being told marijuana is the same as crack. "i see all of u. i hear all of u. i never want to let any of you down. i love u. and...thank u. #beliebers", he Twatted, adding "everyday growing and learning. trying to be better. u get knocked down, u get up." Indeed, Justin—it's a hard-knock life. Regardless, this is totally irresponsible of the teen idol, and a terrible message to his young fans. Come on, Justin. Come on. MEANWHILE... In what must be a total and complete coincidence, Justin Bieber spent yesterday visiting with Millie Flamm, a seven-year-old fan who has leukemia. The Mormon-owned Deseret News broke from their habit of reporting about what those tricksy gays are up to in order to note that L'il Biebers took some time out before his chaste Salt Lake City, Utah concert to sing his hit "Baby" to Millie "while holding her hand and gave her his guitar pick.... Bieber also gave her a kiss on the cheek before leaving, prompting Millie to tell her mother, 'You are never going to wash my face again.'" Oh, Justin. We can't stay mad at you! You go ahead and smoke as much of that marijuana as you want, dear. Just maybe don't let the paparazzi see you doing it.