[Last week, a douchey article titled "Six Reasons Why Portland Sucks for Single Men" made the rounds on the Internets; it attributed the author's inability to get laid to a variety of factors including the weather and the relative attractiveness of Portland's womenfolk. What follows is a point-by-point re-creation of his arguments, in case you missed it the first time.—Eds.]
1. The weather is miserable.
Why aren't people talking about this?! Look, before I moved here, people warned me about Portland—"It's hard to date rape people who are already strung out on heroin," and "The Portlandia statue is a total bitch, don't even try." I was prepared for that, but why doesn't anyone ever talk about the weather? I have at least nine fedoras that I CANNOT get wet. That's like 10 percent of my fedoras that I can't even wear. What's the fucking point of having a dragon made out of fire on the back of your shirt if you have to wear a coat all the time?
2. The city is bum central.
I know this one is confusing, because it's like, "bum" is another word for butt, but I don't mean butts. I mean homeless people! I can't even go to the library to use their computers to leave racist comments on YouTube videos without three or four of these bums (homeless) just existing near me. They're always just sitting there existing in the same world as me. Where do these bums (homeless) get off existing near me? I pay taxes!
3. The women are overweight and/or unhealthy looking...
You know that famous picture from the Vietnam War of that naked girl running away from her burning village? Three of that girl live in my neighborhood! If you have a vagina, you have a responsibility. You need to make sure I want to sex your vagina. That's on you. How dare you be fat and also have a vagina? Don't you know that I have a penis? On what are these women basing their self-worth—having fulfilling lives? Hell no! Make more blood be in my penis or kill yourself. And while we're at it, I have never wanted to have sex with a cloud, so clouds can fuck off, too.
4. ...and the few that aren't look like Mad Max extras.
I'm not going to have sex with an extra! I will only have sex with the following Mad Max actors: Lisa Aldenhoven, Joanne Samuel, the dog.
5. Nobody wants to talk to you...
This one is too sad to make fun of.
6. ...and they have nothing interesting to say anyway.
I hitchhiked all the way here from New York and not ONE person has blown me because of it! Who doesn't want to blow a hitchhiker? I am Marco Polo, traveling from the east, my caravan laden with exotic, fragrant stories to peddle in exchange for hot, wet mouth action BUT NOBODY IS BUYING!!! How many unconventional means of conveyance do I have to employ before people will stop caring whether or not I'm an interesting person and just get to blowing me? Keep Portland Weird? More like Keep Portland Not Blowing Me Because I Hitchhiked Super Far, if you ask me.