[Editor's Note: Within 10 minutes of the Mercury's request to interview rock 'n' roll legend Bob Seger, Capitol Records wrote back with a definitive "never in a billion years." So instead we dressed up local comedian (and Portland as Fuck columnist) Ian Karmel as Bob Seger to answer our questions. See? Everybody's happy.]
MERCURY: Mr. Bob Seger. Thank you for agreeing to this interview.
"BOB SEGER": Hey man, "when the Mercury is rising," ya know? And besides, we have an old saying back in Detroit... [Mr. Seger abruptly stops talking and stares at us for an uncomfortably long time. Eventually...]
Okay! Um... Bob Seger, you seem to be amused by the way "the night moves," even calling it "funny." What exactly is so funny about it?
When you're lying on the hood of some bona fide Detroit steel, sharing that sweet summertime night with a hometown girl and you just know that maybe all you have is that night—but hey, ain't that enough, girl? You can build a WORLD in one night... so you just keep staring at those stars and if you look long enough? The Big Dipper kind of looks like a dong. And that's hilarious, man.
I've sincerely never thought of it that way.
Well, you should. Bob Seger can't do all your thinking for you.
Good point. Bob Seger, "Night Moves" and "Hollywood Nights" are two of the best rock songs ever written, yet "Katmandu" is one of the worst. Explain.
What makes you think I don't have a knife on me, jack?
What makes you think we don't want to be killed by Bob Seger?
[Another extremely uncomfortable and long staring match that we once again lose.]
AHEM! Ummm... Mr. Bob Seger. "Running against the wind" sounds counterproductive. Why is this preferable to running with the wind?
You can't control the wind, man! Sometimes that wind blows at your back, sometimes the wind blows kind of sideways. You ever run into one of those winds where it seems like it's coming up at you? Like from the ground, up at your chin? You oughta use this here publication to figure that one out. How can a wind blow up at you? It's freaking weird, man! Listen, it ain't like you're the first person I've asked, either. Every time Glenn [Frey, of the Eagles] and I get together, it always ends up with us trying to figure out just how the hell wind can hit you in the bottom of your dang chin. Freaking mystery of life, man.
I suppose that is a question someone could ask... if they were interested. Umm... here's another one: In your hit song "We've Got Tonight" you ask, "who needs tomorrow?" Is it fair to say that you really fucked over "tomorrow" in this song? What did "tomorrow" ever do to you?
It reminded girls that maybe they didn't want to engage in some premaritals, is what it did, you friggin' smart aleck. I swear to god I'm gonna cut your friggin' face off with my knife. Ask something better.
Ohhh... okay. Ummm... regarding your song "Rock and Roll Never Forgets." Forgets what?
YES! YES!! Now, man, that is a great question. [At this point, Bob Seger remains silent, lost in thought for nearly 15 minutes. Finally...] Babes. Good times. Heartbreak. Detroit. Thunder. America.
Oh, speaking of Detroit, America, and selling out for Chevy truck commercials, in your song "Like a Rock," you sing, "I was lean and solid everywhere/like a rock." Like... everywhere? And do you know what I mean by "everywhere"?
You mean my dong? If you mean my dong, then hell yes. I have an almost unnaturally lean dong. It'll spook you at first, but then you find yourself thinking 'bout it sometimes as you drift off to sleep. "I wonder what Seger's dong is doing right now?" you mutter to yourself, but you can never truly know. That's a big part of why I wrote "Night Moves"— just trying to give some dong-related insight to the people who've been placed under a spell by the gypsy mysticism of my ultra-lean dong.
"Gypsy" is a racist term, by the way.
Moving on... in the movie Risky Business, actor Tom Cruise played a teenager who danced around in his underwear to your song "Old Time Rock and Roll." Are you a proponent of child pornography, and if no, why are you lying?
Bob Seger loves children! Bob Seger loves pornography. But just like Detroit steel and smooth-pouring American lager, they're two pleasures that should always be enjoyed separately. I'd like to go on record right here and say that if any of you child pornographers are thinking of coming to the Bob Seger show? Well, I've got an American-made Red Wing boot with your name on it—and I'm not going to give it to you, I'm going to kick you with it. Right in your evil dong.
Do you have anything else you'd like to say about yourself, Bob Seger, to the fans of Bob Seger?