TO OUR MEMBERS: Tally ho, pip pip, and welcome one and all to another cracking edition of Mercury Geographic—the journal of exploration. Our lifelong mission? To "increase and diffuse geographical knowledgisms" by boldly venturing into the wildest, most disgustingly primitive areas of "outer Portland," and exploring every smelly crack.
For example, it was the Mercury Geographic Society who mounted the first manned expedition into that territory known only as "west of 82nd and Powell." No civilized person had ever dared to delve that far into the unknown; Portlanders referred to this area as "cursed," teeming with howling topless women and savage bloodthirsty natives who would harpoon trespassers in the head, and then line up to have sexual congress with the resultant hole. The tribesmen were then rumored to bring the skull (dripping with human seed) to their "god," a three-horned goat named "Beluthstrada," who would also have sexual congress with the hole, before licking it clean. Childish superstition and folklore? On the contrary. To our horror, we discovered these stories to be 100 percent true—and then some. The lucky explorers who made it back alive returned with even MORE horrifying eyewitness accounts: of shirtless men on bicycles pulling lawnmowers, mysterious and seemingly incurable genital rashes, and in one case, a Wal-Mart literally overrun with what appeared to be pregnant, meth-addicted Mary Kay representatives.
And in this issue, the adventure continues. Mercury Geographic continues to boldly explore the most mysterious forbidden reaches of the Portland wilderness. We sent staff scientist Sir Alison Hallett to examine ancient cave drawings recently excavated in the Clinton Street Pub bathroom. Acclaimed gynecologist Matt Davis travels into deepest, darkest Southeast and is summarily attacked and eaten by a band of wild, rabid nutria. Assistant Bizarre Tribal Rituals Editor E. Philo Henriksen Esq. finds out what's over there in "Beaverton: The Other Gresham." Marjorie Skinner plays with pretty puppies! And Foreign Sex Correspondent Edmund Hibble uncovers "The Halloween Sluts of Old Town."
Join the Mercury Geographic Society, won't you, as we continue our thrilling adventure of exploration. (Oh... and don't forget your shots.)—THE EDITOR