LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Because the best thing about the end of a year is talking about what was best about it, allow us to present our year-end roundup of the best in Mercury letters to the editor! (Co-starring Ian Karmel and fluoride.)—Eds.

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MEANWHILE, AT THE OREGON DEPT. OF CORRECTIONS

DEAR MERCURY—Inedible fruit again today for supper!

DL

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WELCOME HOME, JOHN

RE: The recent news that eccentric software mogul John McAfee is moving to Portland, and a rare exception to the Mercury‘s stringent “no poetry” policy.

AND SO it came to pass:

John McAfee,

in the Guatemala City airport,

stumbled upon a crumpled sticker,

message from the void:

KEEP PORTLAND WEIRD.

Todd Mecklem

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IAN TRIES KOMBUCHA

RE: “Kombucha“ [Portland as Fuck, Feb 6], in which columnist Ian Karmel finally nuts up and tries kombucha… and kind of likes it.

OH FUCK. I have to start drinking kombucha now? Will I have to bring it to the next Portland as Fuck Fan Club potluck? Damn you, Ian, why couldn’t you stay at Voodoo Doughnut?

posted by Number 6

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POUNDING PAVEL

RE: Cover [Feb 20], featuring Russian model and performance artist Pavel Petel, whose Tumblr you should really Google (NSFW!).

DEAR MERCURY—So what is the deal with putting some creepy Russian weirdo on the cover? Like, what does this guy have to do with anything even remotely local? So I checked out this Pavel Petel’s website and sheesh! C’mon, guys, a shameless hussy with a huge hard cock?! Thanks a lot. I haven’t stopped masturbating for days. You suck!

Pounding It in Portland

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MORE BAND-NAME FOOD CARTS!

RE: “Carts” [Portland as Fuck, March 20], a list of potential names for food carts that riff on musical acts, à la Built to Grill and Fried Egg I’m in Love. The following are some of the best additions left by commenters Todd Mecklem, iceprez, Cedric Justice, Steven Wilber, TSW, and Deezus.

BIKINI KALE, Rice Prez, Bread Can Dance, This Meaty Coil (gyros), Limp Biscuits, Lunchbox 20, One Direction: In the Mouth, Gordon Lightfootlongs, Kugel and the Gang, Blintz and the New Power Generation, and Fugravy.

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FLUORIDE FUROR

RE: “The Sanest Arguments Against Fluoride… and Why They’re Still Wrong” [Feature, May 1], which prompted a huge volume of web comments, voicemails, and letters. There are plenty more where these came from over on portlandmercury.com!

TO THE MERCURY VIA VOICEMAIL—Just wanted to say that you guys are complete scumbags and you’re morally bankrupt as journalists.

TO THE MERCURY VIA VOICEMAIL—Fluoride is a poison. It’s a known fact. It’s what they gave the Jews in the concentration camps, Hitler did. It’s in rat poison, it’s—it’s a straight-up, um… it’s bullshit what you guys are putting in the paper, and I’m never picking up your piece-of-crap newsprint ever again.

TO THE MERCURY VIA VOICEMAIL—I’m a holistic health practitioner, which I know in the article says that we’re based on faulty science, which is kind of amusing to me. Putting a Band-Aid on tooth corrosion while ignoring the ravages on these children’s bodies from their diet, which is the main issue, is really fucking stupid. And I literally can’t believe that anyone would be so fucking stupid as to think that that would help. So I would really appreciate if some people on your staff could have a more holistic perspective on health and maybe get behind some nutrition initiatives like community gardens or something where these kids can get some fucking organic vegetables.

THE MERCURY has been a total CIA tool since they started. Let’s all just ignore them. THEY WILL GO AWAY. Watching Ann Romano eat out of a dumpster will be way more entertaining anyway.

posted by Bruce Hornbuckle

Just remember every time you pick up a Portland Mercury you are reading pussy liberal-biased neo-Nazi propaganda.

posted by Theophilus TPP AKA Rainbow Man

DEAR NEWSPAPER EDITOR PERSON—Your article has inspired a small group of us who believe that Establishing Holistic Regionally Mandated Aquatic Heritage Goals is Everyone’s Rightful Duty (EHRMAHGERD). EHRMAHGERD is committed to defending Portland’s water not just from fluoride, but also from chlorine and ammonia. Now, you may be thinking, “Wait, if you remove all the disinfectant chemicals, then some people will contract cholera or dysentery!” Well, yes, that may be true, but the sacrifice of an unlucky few is a small price to pay for the rest of us to enjoy perfectly pure drinking water. In the next voting cycle, look for EHRMAHGERD’s campaign against vaccinations. Now, again, you might be thinking, “Hey, without vaccinations, some kids will contract polio!” Well, to that we say: We never could’ve had FDR’s New Deal without a little polio. If you’d like to join EHRMAHGERD, we’ll be meeting at the bottom of Crater Lake next Tuesday.

An under-informed, well-meaning, active citizen

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THANKS

RE: Just us being us, we guess.

DEAR PORTLAND MERCURY—Congratulations: Your latest issue contains absolutely nothing of value. Unless of course you count the brainless dick-tease ad for doughnuts.

John Anderson

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GREETINGS

RE: “Greetings” [Portland as Fuck, May 29], in which columnist Ian Karmel takes a brave and decisive stand against the needless and wasteful greeting card industry.

MY LIFE would be easier if the apology section in the greeting card aisle was extended to include, “I’m sorry I don’t like Mad Men, but hopefully we can still sleep together” and “My biggest apologies for hating your vegan muffins and absolutely loving dairy.”

posted by Holycatsbatman!

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A CULTURAL EXPERIENCE

RE: “Bus” [Portland as Fuck, June 5], in which columnist Ian Karmel contends that the best way to appreciate Portland’s diversity is to ride public transportation.

LLOYD CENTER is also pretty awesome for hanging with all sorts. Whenever middle-aged liberals whine about how white and boring Portland is, I tell ’em to ride the bus to Lloyd Center. I don’t think they follow my advice, though.

posted by catbot

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NO JOUSTING

RE: “Worst. Night. Ever!” [Feature, Aug 7], in which author Wm. Steven Humphrey attends the Canterbury Renaissance Faire at the behest of cruel Blogtown readers.

DEAR MERCURY—The thing about all these ren fair nerds is that they’re about as clued in on the actual history they’re evoking as a 90-year-old is about the difference between the internet and Twitter. In MY ren fair, 90 percent of entrants would immediately be directed to perform manual labor for three days from dawn to dusk. On the last day they’d be sorted by religious beliefs, formed into groups, and then they’d stab each other to death. The remaining 10 percent are expected to produce superlative scientific and humanist works that question neither the state nor Catholic doctrine. There is no fucking jousting.

A

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THANKS FOR THE NIPPLES

RE: “Stop Pooping in My Brain” [Film, Aug 28], reviewing the film Austenland.

DEAR MERCURY—I just wanted to thank Alison Hallett for ending her review of the terrible movie Austenland with the immortal phrase, “Colin Firth’s damp, fabric-encased nipples.” When I’m reading the Mercury‘s movie reviews and glance up to see her byline, I always know I can trust the review. Thanks, Ms. Hallett!

Diana Armstrong

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HAVE YOU TRIED OUR BEEF TALLOW?

RE: One of our many Mercury side businesses. Have you tried our mutton tallow? It’s actually pretty bomb.

DEAR CEO—We need large amount of beef tallow and mutton tallow to produce soap/translucent soap, how many can you provide us per month? Please give the quotation as soon as possible.

Stefan

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DESERT STORM

RE: “Back Off, Playa” [Art, Sept 4], in defense of the annual Burning Man art festival.

DEAR MERCURY—I think it’s great that you love Burning Man. I’m glad you playa-obsessed freaks have something magnificent to look forward to every year. While I support your desire to spend a week in the desert with like-minded imaginative people, my eyes are still going to roll whenever we’re speaking and you mention the Burn. I’ve spoken to hundreds of Burners and all of them try to sell me Burning Man like it’s some kind of fucking religion. You people spazz the fuck out when you hear I’ve never been and start trying to convince me that the Burn will be my salvation. That I will fucking love it. Your pushiness only intensifies my lack of interest. So until you Burner zealots stop trying to baptize me in the name of the Playa, I’m gonna keep right on making fun of you.

Ajé

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COVER ISSUES

RE: Cover art [Aug 28, Sept 4, and Sept 11].

DEAR MERCURY—First was the Cousin Itt-esque kinda artsy, kinda creepy cover. Oh well, tastes vary. Then, attack of the revolting hairy man chest. Got trichophilia? “Next week will be better,” I told myself. But then… child clown. What did I do to deserve this? I work two jobs, serving delicious food and locally roasted coffee, and teaching yoga. I drink locally brewed beer, recycle, and am kind to animals. Oh, Mercury, why the animosity? I would bring you flowers and a $6 apology cupcake but… can’t leave the house; clowns EVERYWHERE!!!! 

You Know Who