Now, I’m not a big-city lawyer, or indeed, any kind of lawyer at all, or even the resident of a big city. But there’s nothing in any law book that says I can’t offer my fellow citizens a morsel of well-informed legal advice. Which is as follows: Buckle. The. Fuck. Up. Because the laws of God and man are suspended during an eclipse, so plan accordingly.
“But why would an eclipse have anything to do with the law?” you ask. Well, I could tell you about the secret Greco-Masonic fail-safes built into the Constitution, or the black budget UN Office of Restricted Astronomy, but honestly, the answer is quite simple: In order for a crime to occur, it must happen on a particular day, and the Sun sets at the end of the day. Ipso facto, the temporary occlusion of a solar body creates a quasi-liminal “un-day,” if you will, in which, legally speaking, nothing can be said to have occurred.