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The phrase used to go something like, “Never talk about politics or religion at the dinner table.” In 2018, talking about that shit is child’s play compared to the danger of discussing Star Wars. All the clichés of classic partisan hackery haven’t just infiltrated pop-culture discussion—they now dominate it.

Ever since Disney gave George Lucas a $4 billion check in exchange for all things Star Wars, the squallingest sections of fandom have repeated the same whining complaints whenever a new Star War happens: “It’s pandering fan service!” “They’re milking our nostalgia!” “They’re turning Star Wars into Marvel!” This cynical cacophony usually comes from pissbabies who don’t remotely know what the fuck they’re talking about, but get this: All of those things are 100 percent true for Solo: A Star Wars Story.

Bobby Roberts is one of the Portland Mercury's calendar editors, as well as one of its film and pop-culture critics. His past career choices included joining corporate broadcast radio just in time for...