Hello, and welcome back to the Trash Report! I am, as you know, Elinor Jones. I am so glad that you are here and I have some things to discuss! So gather round, my sweet idiots, and let’s talk trash.
White House American Summer
Sunlight is the greatest disinfectant, but it can also make some things that are gross infinitely grosser. Case in point: the aging meatsack currently living in the White House. Instead of using summertime to do anything cool to bring up his historically dogshit popularity, Trump is instead visiting sports arenas filled with people that are cheering for something else and pretending it’s for him. He even walked onto the field for the photo op when Spain won the World Cup and refused to move when the FIFA guy tried to shove him off. You know, I had wondered why a man as famously vain as Trump wouldn’t have hit the Ozempic needle by now, and I think I’ve figured out why: he needs that solid trunk so as to never be ushered aside by a European dude in a suit.
Trump has also been whining about trying to get his voter suppression bill, known as the SAVE act, passed. His cronies, desperate to connect with the middle America they so loathe, recently went so far as to cite the Olive Garden as a reason to tighten security. They argued that since the Olive Garden requires photo ID for guests to access the new Never-Ending Pasta Month Pass, it only makes sense for voters to show ID to vote. But it doesn’t actually make sense at all. Pasta eaters have to show ID to prove that multiple people are not Garfielding the lasagne on one pass; voting works the opposite way. If six people show up somewhere insisting that they are me and they want to vote, the result is not a shared benefit. The only way the analogy could work is if polling places started giving out free breadsticks so the liars could carbo-load while waiting for a lie to be found out, which poses the question: Would you sacrifice wider voting access if it meant free snacks while you wait? No, of course, but you had to think about it, didn’t you?
Movies are Hot
Christopher Nolan’s new Odyssey adaptation has been dominating the summer box office so far, and its not-all-white casting has gotten some people very mad. World’s richest crybaby Elon Musk said that he is going to remake the film with an “historically accurate” cast. But don’t you think that if this guy is so horny for “the way nature intended,” we’d be able to see what the Gods had in store for his natural hairline?
Odyssey star Matt Damon, when questioned about the physique he had to pull off for the film’s grueling shoot, fully fessed up to the fact that he had a stunt double for a lot of it, and that stunt double was—gasp!—a woman. Is that too woke for Elon, too? Is he going to edit her out of the film as well? Just like, take out all of the parts where Odysseus is doing something epic and replace it with Matt Damon doing something clumsy?
In other movie news, the long-awaited sequel to Practical Magic is coming out in a few short months, and new stars Maisie Williams and Joey King have started the press circuit in lace and black lipstick, holding hands like two young women who know that goth lesbians are about to pay for their second homes. I like that Maisie Williams hasn’t taken anything high profile since Game of Thrones and now she’s coming back on the scene hard as a witch. She’s got a vibe, and clearly wants the world to associate her with sorcery and mystic powers, just like how I want all of you to associate me with gossip and wine with ice in it. We all have our brands.
Weathering Heights
Hellish weather has hit the East Coast this summer and according to New York Magazine, influencers are cooling off with soft-serve margaritas. My first thought: yum! My second through fourth thoughts: 2) ouch the ice cream headache, 3) imagine the heartburn, U would need Tums, and 4) I would only like that cocktail if it were very, very small. This coming from a woman who used to party!!!!!!
Speaking of summer dining trends, Taco Bell lettuce is definitely not on the menu anymore for our friends in the Midwest, many of whom are currently experiencing “explosive diarrhea.” Hey, does anyone else think “explosive” is kind of an unnecessary word to tack on there? It seems excessive, like, needlessly descriptive, and almost mean. Just say diarrhea. That’s already very gross!
So the East Coast is trapped in heat domes, the Midwest is making up previously unimagined lyrics to the diarrhea baseball song (when you’re at a Cleveland Taco Bell / and your pants begin to swell / diarrhea, fart, fart, etc.), so how are we in Portland spending our summer so far? Wearing light sweaters! This season has been so mild compared to recent years and I am not mad at all. Fingers crossed it keeps up this way. (Or legs, if you’re been through Ohio recently.)
Gossip Girls
Word on the internet is that both Nicole Kidman and Olivia Rodrigo are currently dating finance bros, which is sending a terrible message to other finance bros out there, who now think they might have a shot with goddesses like Nicole Kidman and Olivia Rodrigo. Do we think that maybe Olivia Rodrigo is seeking something new after three perfect albums inspired by douchey actors? Makes sense, but what about Nicole? What’s her excuse? And all I can come up with is that she needs to date someone who is rich, but not famous, because she needs to have the best hair in the relationship.
Unrelated—or was it?—Kelly Clarkson said at a recent show that she loved being single, because she sees the kind of relationships that some people are in and she’d rather go home alone. This woman released “Since U Been Gone” 22 years ago, and she said what she said.
Ancient Gossip
Actor Jerry O’Connell recently got re-dragged for the story about how he broke up with ex-girlfriend Giuliana Rancic over the intercom at his condo after she showed up unannounced while he was inside with another woman, long rumored to be Spice Girl Geri Halliwell. This story is not relevant to anything happening right now… but isn’t it fun?
Masculini-TEA
Disgraced misogynist (my favorite kind!) Andrew Tate just got arrested in Florida on charges of rape and sex trafficking, among other terrible stuff. The funny thing about these not-at-all-funny crimes is that he was arrested wearing a purple blouse and capris. This is a man who built his empire puffing his chest about being the alpha-est of them all, yet he was photographed with his head down in an outfit my mom would have worn to work 20 years ago. And she would have pulled it off!
Fellow masculinity expert JD Vance said that the way Joe Biden ate ice cream was “so suggestive.” LIke, if JD Vance is looking at Joe Biden open-mouthing a cold scoop and thinking about sex, that’s a JD Vance problem. Hunter Biden went on to post a picture of him and his dad enjoying ice cream to celebrate Spain’s World Cup victory, which some considered a troll. If it was, it only underscored how much the Bidens cling to a different era of civility in politics, because Hunter could have been so much meaner! He didn’t even @ Vance or caption it with #spankbank.
Innocent Men
There are a few men who are not currently on our shit list and I will name them for you now: Weird Al Yankovic revealed that he had been approached to perform at the cursed Riyadh Comedy Festival for seven figures, but he declined, stating “I don’t need to take any amount of money if it makes me feel icky.” This is a double score for us, because not only is Weird Al not propping up a brutal regime, but we might get some new music out of it as he makes his income elsewhere. Like, he could make that dull Taylor Swift Toy Story ballad to be a song about a beloved garden tomato, call it “I Grew It, I Grew You.” Or a play on Smelly Cat, but inspired by Katseye: “Stinky Pup.” There’s so much he could do!
Our other unproblematic king is Zendaya’s husband Tom Holland, who just became the first person to vomit while eating the spicy wings on Hot Ones. Somehow, he managed to make even this charming. Do we think this is because he is English, short, or married to Zendaya?
Regional Trash
Speaking of iconic kings, a deformed Seattle racoon named Jimothy has become the newest internet star, stealing hearts quicker than he steals garbage. (Is this fast? I can’t actually tell from the internet videos if he is fast or not.) Bless this iconic round boi.
And speaking of trash (still!) I recently saw a post on FB Marketplace where some fool was selling a chandelier that was made to look like a KFC bucket. Someone’s trash is another person’s treasure, but what do we say when someone’s trash is also their greatest mistake? I had half a mind to buy that chandelier and hand it back to the seller demanding that they rethink their life choices.
In closing, my loves, this is all that I can say today. Thank you for reading and for being hot. I love you the same amount as I love Jimothy and that is a LOT.
Warmly,
