Hello, and welcome to another Trash Report! I’m your girl, Elinor Jones. You’ll notice that this edition is exceptionally queer, and that is because it will appear in our upcoming printed Queer Issue. Look for it on newstands (do we still have those?) soon! And you may be wondering, “Elinor, I am not queer, will this column have anything for me?” To which I reply: grow up. Everybody in Portland is queer. They put fabulosity in the water instead of fluoride. In fact, just reading a Portland Mercury has unstraightened you by at least 10 percent. So, grab a friend of any gender and join me in discussing the most important trash of the month.
Baelectoral College
Many states held primaries last month, including Texas, where Congressman James Talarico beat Jasmine Crockett to become the Democratic candidate for Senate. People always say that Democrats will have a shot at a statewide race in Texas, and while that hasn’t ever been true, maybe this time it will be true? Republicans are doing their damnedest to smear Talarico before anyone can start to like him, going so far as to label him a “gay vegan pagan.” While that may have an impact in Texas, all that does nationally is increase the likelihood of him appearing in our freaky leftist news feeds and making us want to give him $5 that we otherwise would have spent on our gay, vegan, and/or pagan hobbies.
In other political news, the shuffling of congressional districts in California is likely to result in the mega-MAGA town of Huntington Beach falling into a district represented by progressive gay immigrant Congressman Robert Garcia. (Isn’t that set of adjectives a dream blunt rotation for a politician?) But now the conservatives who live there feel that their voices are not being heard. Dude, if ONLY that were the case. I feel like I hear MAGA voices all the damn time. Constantly, in fact.
National (Anti)Pride
Speaking of MAGA, their leader is putting together a party for America’s 250th birthday in Washington, DC next month. It was going to consist of a series of concerts, but of the few acts who did sign up, most later dropped out due to Trump’s toxicity and extreme loserdom. There will still be a fair on the National Mall and a cage fight on the White House Lawn. In other words, it’s an outdoor gathering with thematic outfits and major displays of shirtless sweaty dudes; is it just me or does this America party sound an awful lot like Pride? Throw a few more colors on those flags and I could see some legit divas showing up there by accident.
He/Him/His-Man
In other summer events, we are entering the season of blockbuster cinematic events drawing us away from that cruel sun and into darkened cinemas. The new He-Man movie Masters of the Universe has been highly anticipated, at least by cash-grabby movie executives and nostalgic men in their 40s. Its June release is a choice: Is it because it wants to be the first summer blockbuster, or because it fancies itself an LGBTQIA activity? Let’s investigate. Pro-gay: nipple-forward outfits, Nicholas Galitzine, an extended universe of characters with names like Ram-Man and Fisto. Not gay enough: the joyless colorscape (why is Skeletor’s cape not a gorgeous purple?!) and He-Man’s boring haircut. This guy has one of the most iconic Prince Valiants of all time; let him dazzle, you cowards!
Speaking of Nicholas Galitzine, he is rumored to be in the running for our new James Bond, along with Callum Turner, Jacob Elordi, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, and Rege-Jean Page. Are they actually casting a movie or are they publishing articles with these men on a list? They never actually have to do the reboot, because people like speculating so much and we will click on any of these actors’ photos any time we see them. Buzzfeed could pretty much fund itself for years with quizzes like “Which prospective James Bond would be your boyfriend based on your Harry Potter house?”
Queen Kylie the First
In other movie news, a documentary about Kylie Minogue just came out on Netflix, giving fans a rare glimpse into the life of the private superstar. It pains me that younger generations are not thinking of her first when they hear the name Kylie, so hopefully this documentary can put some respect back on that name. For the haters, please note that even indie icon Nick Cave shared his undying love for her music. Damn straight. Not liking Kylie Minogue is like not liking a peanut butter and jelly sandwich: you do like it, you just forget that you do, because it’s so institutional and iconic.
Speaking of powerful blond women in gay news, actress Hayden Panettiere came out as bisexual in her newly released memoir. She lamented having had to wait until her 30s to be able to share it, citing public pressure she’s been under since a young age, but “better late than never.” Hear, hear! She’s even started doing press in pantsuits; that’s how you know she’s comfortable in her sexuality.
Artificial Things
The Chicago Pope Leo penned his first encyclical in a screen called “Magnifica Humanitas,” in which he railed against artificial intelligence: “The human heart is where God desires to dwell,” he wrote. He also pointed out the cynicism of tech oligarchs’ insistence of AI’s potential, writing “technology is never neutral, because it takes on the characteristics of those who devise, finance, regular, and use it.” Subtext: “I think this product is evil because I think all y’all are evil.” Throw down, Leo! More like Magnifica Boo-manitas. Because he is booing you.
In other fake news—as in news about fake things—there is apparently a real thing called the Enhanced Games, where participants get juiced up on performance enhancing drugs to see who can go the fastest disingenuously. This is like having an enhanced art competition of who can make their AI Mona Lisa have the biggest tits. Like… okay???
Below the Belt
The latest development in toxic masculinity is something called “ballsmaxxing,” wherein men gas up their testicles like balloons to fill out their shorts better. I support people doing what they need with their own bodies to move confidently throughout the world, so more power to them. Also, I’m also curious what the end game is. How far will they take this? How big are we talking? Will there have to be new kinds of underwear for the next-gen nuts? Will we get ball bras? Underwear underwires? It’s rare to have actual innovation in clothing these days so I will, quite literally, salute their shorts.
And in other men’s privates, briefly: Brad Pitt is being sued by a line of men’s high end penis creams after he rebranded his own skincare line from Le Domaine to Beau Domaine, and the penis cream brand, Beau D, allege it’s now too similar. Huge bummer of a month on name sharing for ol’ Brad. First his kids go to court because they don’t want to be associated with him, and now not even the penis cream does? Ouch.
On that uncharacteristically mean note, I would like to say something, which is that I am only mean about Brad Pitt because he is (allegedly) a jerk. I’d never be mean to any of you, because you are all (factually) angels. Thank you for spending time with me. Thank you for spending time with others. Thank you for increasing the national average of hot and queer people.
Love,
