Hello, and welcome to another Trash Report! It’s me, Elinor Jones. You might remember me from…well, here, basically. I cannot stop contributing to this outlet. It’s been 15 years. (I started when I was very young, which explains how I am still young. Sooo young.) I hope you all are ready to gossip, because I sure am. The dumpster is opening up with something extra gross so get ready in 3…2…
Unheavenly Bodies
Apparently Vice President JD Vance has recently lost some weight. I didn’t notice, which is good, because that confirms that I do not perceive his body. Vance was asked about the weight loss in a press conference and said that he’d been counseled by his buddy RJK Jr to eat a lot of sauerkraut. So for now JD stands for “just diarrhea.”
Speaking of bodies, at a recent Miss World competition in Vietnam, the contestant from Uganda wore a gorgeous tan, pink, and red gown called “The Layers of Life.” She explained that the different colored sections of the dress represented the seven layers that doctors must cut through when performing a C-section. Damn, that’s hard. And I didn’t know about the seven layers thing! It’s a cool fact to have in your pocket, because one of our best dips also has seven layers, so the next time you are at a party where there’s seven layer dip, you can let everybody know that there are also seven layers of skin and organs keeping babies inside of their gestational parent. They’ll love knowing this. “Yum,” they will say, peering down at the red, viscous salsa. “I love layers!”
Political Parties
Former Oregon Congressperson Lori Chavez-DeRemer stepped down as Trump’s Labor Secretary back in April, and now we think we know why: a report came out from her own department revealing that she drank on the job (cool!) and harassed staff (not cool), creating a toxic work environment. It’s always exciting when anybody local makes national news, and it’s even more exciting when it’s a conservative export like Chavez-DeRemer. People forget that Oregon is not a monolithic liberal utopia, and I like the rest of the country to recognize our fucked-up-ed-ness. Gives us an edge.
Rap Updates
The white English actor Tom Hardy has just released a rap album. The album is called Czarface Meets Frankie Pulitzer. Hardy’s rap persona is named Frankie Pulitzer. This is an incredible name. Frankie Pulitzer. It’s like what they would have named a nerd who only appeared in one episode of The Sopranos.
In other rap news, Snoop Dogg has an ice cream brand and is hiring an ice cream taster for $10k per month. Some stoner is about to have the best life ever.
Movie News!
There is a new Days of Thunder movie coming out, and Anne Hathaway will be playing the female love interest opposite Tom Cruise. And you know who’s mad? Weird MAGA troll and actor in the original movie, Randy Quaid. Quaid said Hathaway is too “woke” to be in a movie about cars, because only Trumpy red states like NASCAR so the movie should cater to them. If MAGA movie-goers can’t handle Hathaway, then why is she seemingly in every movie currently being made?
In other lithe brunette actor news, Andrew Garfield recently doubled down on how he thinks there should be a gay Spiderman. Garfield first made this recommendation when he was working as Spiderman. So that’s interesting. For him to suggest that there should be a gay Spiderman at a future date. As if there hasn’t already been one. Wink, wink.
Wheel of Misfortune
The announcer from Wheel of Fortune was recently fired from his job, and had his very existence wiped from the WoF social media pages as well. Why, you ask? P-D-PH-L–. Buy the vowels; you’ll get there. He was reportedly busted for being active in a chatroom during a flight, which was visible to his fellow passengers. I feel like this is also probably a guy who wears flip flops into the airplane bathroom. Just an all-around disgusting person.
Cute Alert!
Hikers in Sequoia National Park have reportedly been “terrorized” by yellow-bellied marmots. What, terrorized by how cute they are?? Come on. Those things look like a poorly-rendered beaver stuffy come to life. That is not an animal horror story. The following is an animal horror story: A Virginia woman recently woke up with a bat in her mouth. She said she “was screaming repeatedly.” Probably not very loud, though. Because of the bat. And you know, I haven’t bought the hype about those overnight lip masks that allegedly reduce frown lines by taping your lips together, but now I am tempted. Even if they don’t reverse aging, at least they’ll keep the bats out of your mouth.
Local Trash
A recent study from the Human Rights Campaign revealed which states are the gayest, and I was thrilled to see Oregon coming in at Number Two! Just because we are not exclusively fabulous (looking at you again, Chavez-DeRemer) we are still very fabulous. Tickled, I scrolled through the post, dying to know what state could possibly be gayer. The answer: Washington DC. Which is wrong! I am all for DC statehood, but it ain’t a state yet. Therefore, Oregon wins. Congratulations to my fellow Oregonians, but in the future, let’s try to be gayer so we don’t have to win on a technicality.
In still other local news, did you know that former Multnomah County District Attorney Mike Schmidt has a podcast called The Schmidt Show? And did you also know that I am on it now? He wanted more breezy content for his otherwise very smart podcast, so he turned to me, a gal whose headstone will probably read “breezy content.” Listen to The Schmidt Show wherever you get your podcasts if you want more “us time” and promise to tell me that you like it, and if you are watching me on video, also please tell me my hair looks nice and shiny.
And on that note, because I have already said far too much, it is now time for me to say goodbye. I hope a stranger also tells you that you have shiny hair today. We all deserve nothing less.
Self-consciously,
