Hello, and welcome back to the Trash Report! I am Elinor Jones, and I am so glad you are here. I, for one, am living for today’s cool weather because I recently got a horrific sunburn and need to be 150% clothed for the foreseeable future (we call this “the full Sister Act, plus one-half”). It is very stupid why I allow this to happen to myself when I also spend (redacted) annually on skincare procedures to attempt to trick the gods of time. Anyway, my absentmindedness is understandable when there is SO MUCH GOING ON! Let’s gossip.
Kiss Me… Beneath the Milky Stadium Lights
My favorite story in a long time—perhaps of ALL TIME?—is that of the tech CEO and his head of HR getting busted snuggling on the Kiss Cam at a Coldplay concert. My conspiracy theory about this is that the camera person absolutely knew what they were doing when they put this couple on blast. Middle-aged randos in long-term relationships don’t get horned up at Coldplay concerts. Somebody was bored at work and chose chaos.
Distract and Deny
Some cracks are growing in MAGA-land as Donald Trump‘s followers won’t shut up about the promise he made to release “the Epstein files,” which he’s trying to pretend never happened. The “what files?” defense has his followers seeing redder than their stupid hats. Joe Rogan—whose support in 2024 probably cinched the the guys-who-buy-the-supplements-that-advertise-on-podcasts vote for Trump—is starting to wonder what’s going on. Even Trump loyalists Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Greene are both pissed. And I love it! “I never thought leopards would eat MY face!” sobs President who spent years teaching his leopards to eat everyone’s faces, especially when those people had access to documents.
Meanwhile, Stephen Colbert’s Late Show was recently canceled by CBS, leading many to wonder if this was political retribution for his outspokenness against the regime as Paramount tries to curry favor with them. Now the Writer’s Guild of America is demanding an inquiry into the cancellation. Trump has hated comedians since Seth Meyers made fun of him at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner in 2011. This means that Trump is simultaneously enraging both the terminally online Q-anon weirdos and the terminally online comedy writer types, and these forces combined could just be annoying enough to topple this whole damn thing. And like, sure. If this is what it takes.
Feuds and Not Feuds
A new I Know What You Did Last Summer movie just came out, and eagle-eyed people with too much time on their hands noted that OG stars Sarah Michelle Gellar and Jennifer Love Hewitt did not pose together on the red carpet. For her part, SMG said that she and JLH were both just busy so they missed each other at the event, and there is no feud. In another interview, JLH concurred that there was no feud, but also said that she had not spoken with SMG since she was 18. Which means the feud denials are bullshit. People at work events cannot simply avoid one another. I run into former coworkers I hate on basically a weekly basis, and Portland may be smaller than LA, but it’s bigger than a singular red carpet event. They were avoiding each other, and I must know what happened!
Elsewhere in bitches who love drama, a biography of Gwyneth Paltrow is coming out later this month, and I’ve been reading the sneak previews of the book like it’s my job, which is cool because it literally is my job. (This job!) One morsel to come out is tastier than beluga caviar, and that’s that when Paltrow was engaged to Brad Pitt back in the ’90s, she found their different class upbringings a struggle, because she had to explain the difference between beluga and osetra caviar to him. (Is beluga the tastier one?? IDK, I am highly middle-class.) This is also how I found out that Gwyneth stole the script from Shakespeare in Love—for which she won an Oscar—from her former bestie Winona Ryder, who was in consideration for the part.
Of course, this has me thinking back to what’s going on with Sarah Michelle Gellar and Jennifer Love Hewitt. We’ve got a brown-haired, doe-eyed, dreamgirl next door up against a no-nonsense, sharp-nosed blond. What if it was a similar feud origin story? What if JLH was considering the part of Buffy the Vampire Slayer when SMG yanked it out from under her?? One can only assume (at least until the eventual memoirs come out).
Who do you ride for?
Charli XCX married The 1975 musician George Daniel in London over the weekend. It never occurred to me that Charlie XCX was in a relationship with a human person. I kind of envisioned her to be wedded to The Scene, like how nuns are married to God. Press coverage has yet to confirm if they’ll be assuming the married name Daniel, XCX, or Mr. and Mrs. Party Girl.
In other evolving family news, legendary boyfriend-to-the-stars Pete Davidson is expecting a baby with his girlfriend, English model Elsie Hewitt. Good thing he’s already an actor, so he can act excited for every “Big Dad Energy” mug he is gifted in the coming months.
Sports Trash
Not trash but exciting news is that Portland’s favorite son Damian Lillard is coming back to the Blazers! This was excellent timing for a highly-mid sports fan like me who recently lost her regular sun hat and wore her Blazers hat all weekend, prompting many people to talk to me about Dame, and I had to pretend to be more highly informed than “I saw he’s coming back!” instead of simply saying “this is my only hat right now.” While it was fun that Blazers tickets only cost, like, $2 when he was gone, this is huge for Portland culture at large. And I have to wonder: Should I learn how basketball works, or get a different hat? Both? Neither??
In other basketball sports news, which I love (check out my hat) our WNBA franchise team name has been announced, and I cannot wait for the Portland Fire! Thank GOD we finally have a team with an existing emoji. Now when you wear something cool and someone says “your outfit is 🔥” you could interpret that to mean that you look regular cool, or you look like a WNBA star, both of which are huge compliments!
I am so sorry to have to end things now, but if I don’t apply aloe vera to my legs I will turn into dust. Thank you for reading, thank you for loving, and thank you for being a friend.
Hotly (like the WNBA team and sexily and like a person who was in the sun for too long),
