MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 21 If you enjoy disturbing
gossip—the kind that makes your toes curl and stomach go all
“ooey”—then have we got the week for you! The deceased
Anna Nicole Smith is back in the tabs today, along with a
startling new accusation that Anna’s psychiatrist Dr. Khristine
Eroshevich prescribed her a combination of 11 painkillers and
sedatives that a pharmacist is calling “pharmaceutical suicide.” (Maybe it’s not so startling, considering Michael Jackson’s doctor has also recently been accused of causing his death. Dear
celebs: You know, there are other doctors besides the ones who
graduated from the University of Yemen.) Even ickier? TMZ.com is reporting that there are pictures of
Anna and her psychiatrist together, naked, in a bathtub, in a
series of vaguely sexual poses. Hmm… is there some branch of
psychotherapy that we’re unaware of that includes the psychiatrist
giving us crazy drugs and getting into the bathtub naked with us? If
so—and that psychiatrist is George Clooney—then sign
us up. MEANWHILE… In far more adorable news, President
Barack Obama was the featured guest on tonight’s Late Show
with David Letterman, and was unsurprisingly charming, erudite,
and (HELLO?) dreamy. Naturally he spoke intelligently on such serious
issues as the economy, Afghanistan, and the country’s busted health
care system—but he also received a heart-shaped potato from an audience member! And when asked if he thought that certain
recent hateful remarks against health care reform were racially
motivated, Obama deftly noted, “First of all, I think it’s
important to remember that I was actually black before the
election.” (SIGH!! We think he just melted our potato-shaped
heart.)

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 22 In depressing, yet cruelly hilarious news,
Jennifer Aniston’s “pathetic rating” just took another dip into
the red. According to the New York Post, Jen has been filming
The Bounty with that hunky slab o’ man-meat Gerard
Butler—but is she taking advantage of the situation?
Neeeeeyope! Instead, sad-sack Jen was caught in her trailer bawling
her eyes out over—who else? Brad Pitt. An on-set
assistant was allegedly called upon to fetch the star for her next
scene, but was told by the blubbering Aniston, “I need a moment.
This scene reminds me of Brad and me.” OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,
GIRL! Build a bridge and get over it, already! Dry your eyes, blow your
nose and slip a roofie in Gerard’s Aquafina FlavorSplash. Once
he’s asleep, surgically remove his sperm and inject it into your
dehydrated ovaries. Have two to four sets of twins, rinse, and repeat.
Seriously, how do you think Angelina landed Brad?

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 23 Ready for some more juice from the Disturbia
subdivision of Tinselturd? Mackenzie Phillips, the drug-addled
former star of the ’70s sitcom One Day at a Time (really, we
should call our lawyers!), alleges in her new memoir that she had a
consensual incestuous relationship with her father, Mama and the
Papas lead singer John Phillips. And oh yes… it gets
worse. According to People, Mackenzie first had sex with
her father on the eve of HER WEDDING NIGHT. “I had a tons of
pills, and Dad had tons of everything too,” Mackenzie confessed.
“Eventually I passed out on Dad’s bed.” Blaming her incessant drug use,
Mackenzie says their continued sexual relationship then became
consensual, and they even talked of running away together. “One
night, Dad said, ‘We could just run away to a country… where this is
an accepted practice. Maybe Fiji?'” Asked if whether or not this
unconventional couple would be actually be accepted within their
borders, Fiji responded with the following official statement:
“EWWW!!!”

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 24 Former child star and sex-tape impresario
Dustin Diamond has also released a book this week, documenting
all the behind-the-scenes action on the 1980s teen comedy Saved by
the Bell. According to Diamond—who played nerdy nebbish
Screech—there was plenty of on-set pot smoking, sex
between cast members, and even steroid abuse. However, since
Diamond never admits to having a consensual sexual relationship with
one of his parents, frankly, we don’t give a shit. MEANWHILE… OMG, you guys! Lily Allen has quit the music business! You…
you don’t know who Lily Allen is? The cute Brit who had a momentary hit
in the states called “Smile”? Yeah, that Lily Allen! Anyway, today she
announced on her blog that she was tired of all the music piracy happening on the internet, and therefore will leave the business,
vowing never to make another record. The good news is that she
never slept with her father. The continuing bad news: Therefore, we
don’t give a shit.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 25 Have you, like so many others, been frantically
wondering what actor Randy Quaid‘s been up to? Well, stop
tossing and turning, because One Day has your answer: He’s been getting
arrested in Marfa, Texas! Yesterday Quaid and his wife,
Evi, were busted for allegedly not paying hotel bills at the San
Ysidro Ranch in Santa Barbara and the Hotel Bel-Air. (It’s where the
Fresh Prince stays!) Quaid—who in his mug shot sports a
truly terrifying, Jeremiah Johnson-style beard—and Evi
sent a bewildering hand-written note to TMZ.com, insisting that (a) they were innocent,
(b) “Marfa, Texas, is a great place to be arrested,” and (c) “I promise
the state of California, Texas does not bother people over hamburgers
ordered by room service, supposedly burglarized.” Confused, we turned
to a consultant to help clarify the Quaids’ note, and our expert was,
to say the least, rather critical of their claims. “I can attest that
both California and Texas do, in fact, prosecute the crime of hamburger
theft, often to the fullest extent of the law,” the Hamburgler said during visiting hours at San Quentin. “Once you’ve been singled
out, not even an exonerating letter from Mayor McCheese can
assist your case. Trust me,” he added. “I’ve tried.” Hamburgler then
grew pensive, casting his eyes downward and muttering a forlorn
“Robble… robble.”

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 26 Remember Justin Guarini, from
American Idol and From Justin to Kelly? The guy with the
stupid “Sideshow Bob” hair? Well, today he got married… and
not to Clay Aiken! (Thank yew, thank yew, don’t forget to
tip your waitress!) MOVING ON… Could Michael Jackson have talked Hitler out of the Holocaust? POSSIBLY! A recorded
conversation between Rabbi Shmuley Boteach and Jackson has the
rabbi asking if Jackson, given an hour with Hitler, could “touch
something inside of him.” (Rimshot, please!) Jackson responded,
“Absolutely, I know I could. You have to help them, give them therapy,
teach them that somewhere, something in their life went wrong.” While
Jacko playing psychologist to a hypothetical Hitler is weird enough,
think about this for a minute: Would Michael & Adolf be a
great sitcom or what?

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 27 So…. that super-creepy news
about Mackenzie Phillips sleeping with her dad, Papa
John? It all might be a joke, claims Michelle Phillips, the
ex-wife of the late John Phillips. Michelle claims that in 1997,
Mackenzie told everyone in the family that she’d slept with her
dad—but then took it back. “She told me, then she called
back and said, ‘You know I’m joking,'” Michelle told the Hollywood
Reporter. “I said it wasn’t funny. Mackenzie said, ‘I guess we have
different senses of humor.'” Umm… yeah. We guess. MEANWHILE… Speaking of people who creep everybody out, sleazeball director
Roman Polanski—who, in 1977, was convicted of drugging and
raping a 13-year-old girl, at which point he fled America and has not
returned since—was arrested today in Zurich, where he now
faces possible extradition to the United States to face sentencing. Oh,
you celebrities. Always with your three-decade-long flights from the
authorities, your gross sex scandals, and your “jokes” about incest.
Keep it classy, y’all!