Okay, guys! I’m leaving work now to go stand in line over at the Rose Garden for THE MOST AMAZING SHOW OF THE NEXT THREE MILLENNIUMS! I’ll see you over there, and don’t forget to bring the following necessities so you’ll enjoy the show.

1. EAR PLUGS

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2. EAR PLUGS FOR YOUR EAR PLUGS

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3. RAPE WHISTLE

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More after the jump…

4. SIPPY CUP FULL OF GIN

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5. MILF HUNTER T-SHIRT

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6. A “BEARD” (IF YOU’RE OVER 30)

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Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

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