STRAIGHT DOPE

DEAR MERCURY—Yes, there’s a stigma surrounding drug use [“Dazed and Confused,” Letters, Nov 18]. It’s good to hear that you’re just too tough to suffer from all these stigmatized problems of addiction. But I’ve known people, good people, who have ruined their lives over that crap, died because of that crap, become a sick and crying mess in the streets over that crap, many of them dealing with mental, emotional, financial, bereavement issues along with the addictions. You’re calling my friends—and a long, worldwide history of suffering—isolated incidents and insignificant, but something tells me you’re not so tough after all. You like your life as an addict that much? I bet you’re always out there enjoying life.

-Evan

DUMBASS!

The real Aron Ralston was actually a major DUMBASS [“Rock, Blood, and Bone,” Film, Nov 18]. He went off rock hopping in the wild and told NO ONE where he was—DUMBASS! He didn’t bother to bring a cell phone with him—DUMBASS! He brought almost NO provisions because he assumed he’d only be gone for a few hours—DUMBASS! Apparently, when he finally did free himself, he was still eight miles from his truck. So the guy goes on a nature walk for eight goddamn miles in a near-desert environment in MAY and has just ONE bottle of water?! DUMBASS! The guy quit his job as a mechanical engineer at Intel so he could “climb all the mountains in Colorado.” DUMBASS! According to his Wiki page, Ralston now makes his living as a “corporate” speaker and makes between $25,000-37,000 each time people come and listen to his dumb ass talk. Yeah, you know what’s awesome? Having TWO arms!

-posted by DamosA on portlandmercury.com

MERELY A FLESH WOUND

DEAR MERCURY—Skinning your knee counts as a “traumatic or serious injury” [“Broken While Biking,” News, Nov 18]? For chrissakes, I skin my knee in bed, you pansies. Why not adopt a more rigorous methodology that can actually distinguish between that which can be fixed with an ironic unicorn/steak/pirate band-aid, and that which actually represents an imposition on somebody’s life?

-Pat Martin

NOT ALL BIKES ALIKE

DEAR MERCURY—Your story: “OHSU Study: 22 Percent of Bikers Injured Annually [“Broken While Biking,” News, Nov 18]. Wow, was I ever surprised to hear that! So I did what anyone like me with a ton of BIKER friends would do. I picked up the phone and called members of the “Gypsy Jokers.” I called members of the “Mongols.” How about the “Outsiders”? Nope, still no injured BIKERS. Maybe it is those crazy clean and sober guys “Solutions Motorcycle Club.” Still no luck. Well it must be the “Flying Fifteen.” Damn, not a single injury. Are you guys mistakenly calling, or, is this town so gay-heartedly weak that you think the rider of a bicycle is called a biker and not a bicyclist? Either way, I am going to get on my MOTORCYCLE (that’s what BIKERS ride), go down to McDonald’s and ask the CHEF to make me some french fries.

-Wendell Cunningham

WHAT, NO PHONE call for SFRC? That’s cold. And while technically “biker” can refer to either type of rider, we know where you’re coming from. It’s like the internet stole “FTW” all over again. So please accept two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater and lunch at No Fish!, Go Fish!, where well-behaved 10 percenters are welcome 80 percent of the time!

5 replies on “Letters to the Editor”

  2. Hey Evan, just because your friends are ‘good people’, doesn’t mean they don’t have something that makes them latch onto addictions more than other people. Just because they’re good people doesn’t mean they have the constitution to put their health, family, job, etc priorities above getting high. Just because they are weak doesn’t mean everyone is, or should be punished because your friends, who are ‘good people’, can’t control themselves.

    If I want to, right now, I could go gamble, have anonymous sex with several hookers, smoke some dope, and wash it all down with some Clear Springs and a cigar while I bet on horses and jam nickles into a slot machine. Yeah, I’d probably puke (a lot!), but I could do all of those things and not have them affect my job or my family.

    If you can’t do it, don’t do it. Some people can’t, and that’s fine. Everyone else shouldn’t have to suffer because a few ‘good people’ can’t be responsible for their own person.

    Most of the people who do drugs- you don’t know they do drugs. The ones who you know do drugs usually aren’t doing it right.

  3. -mollymaverick-

    “The ones who you know do drugs usually aren’t doing it right. “

    Can you please explain exactly how “doing drugs right” works? You obviously hold the key to the fountain of sin and I’d love to gain from your intelligent insight. How old are you, 22?

    This must be what Sarah Palin was talking about when she was getting all “maverick-y”, she’s got to be one of the ones you refer to who “you don’t know they do drugs.” Best of luck jamming nickles in your slot, you cigar smoking hooker!

  4. “jamming nickles in your slot, you cigar smoking hooker”
    +1 for that. That made me giggle.

    What I mean by ‘doing it right’ is ‘doing it responsibly’ and exercising discretion.

    Let’s have a story.
    Remember when Gandalf told Frodo “Keep it secret; keep it safe”? Instead of a ring, let’s pretend Gandalf entrusted our dear Frodo with some crack or something, to take it to his friend over in Mordor.

    So Frodo and his buddy Sam are trundling out of the Shire, hiding this stuff so his parents don’t find out. But once he’s out in the woods, he whips out that bag, does some crack. Sam knows better, and is sure that someone is going to smell it and come and get them. Frodo says it’s all cool though, he just wants to test it out, he’s not hooked on it or anything.

    Soon, just as Sam knew would happen, the Nazgul can totally smell that shit cooking, and they’re hot on their heels. Frodo is still pretty fucked up, but now sufficiently freaked out, so he’s going to go with Sam now and try to sober up.

    Frodo isn’t the smartest hobbit in the Shire (why didn’t Gandalf pick Sam in the first place?), but luckily he’s got a friend there to look out for him (see: enabler), and make sure this delivery gets there on time. After awhile of running from the Nazgul (and even more time running from shadows that MIGHT be Nazgul), they realize they’re totally lost. Lucky for them, there’s this little junkie that slips out from a dark alley that says he knows the way to Mordor. He’s a creepy little fellow, and he’s really interested in that bag of crack (does crack come in bags?), but Frodo is pretty sure he’s legit. Sam doesn’t have the balls to stand up to his friend, so he continues to follow along and clean up messes.

    Just as Sam suspected, this little bastard Gollum sells them out, and tries to have his spider friend off our protagonists so he can get his ring fix. I mean, crack fix. Frodo still isn’t learning his lesson, and still continues to spark up when he thinks it’s a good idea, which of course draws the Nazgul once again.

    So now all of Middle Earth is after Frodo because he can’t stay off this crap, and just take it where it needs to go. He gets almost to the delivery point, but then decides he’s going to flake out at the end and not actually drop the shit off. He’s become a no good damn junkie, and isn’t worth anything to anyone. Sam has to come clean up his messes, make the delivery, and then send poor Frodo off to rehab- where he eventually runs off and sucks dick for dollars in an alleyway to try to get another hit.

    But what if Frodo wasn’t such a fuck head, and could actually accomplish things he set out to do? He would have stuck that shit in his sock, and took it where it was supposed to go, and dropped it in the damn volcano.The Nazgul would never have known, and Sam wouldn’t have lost his best friend to addiction, and put him on an episode of Intervention. If he had kept it secret, he would have kept it safe. But he flaunted it around, and now he can’t get a job because everyone knows he’s a ring addict, and it’s on his permanent record.

    Now, I know that’s not a very good story, and it would be much more entertaining if I wrote it while stoned A(and/or read LotR in the last 10 years), but I can’t do that right now, because I’m busy being a responsible adult and getting my bills paid. You can be sure I’ll do it later. Secretly. Safely. Responsibly.

  5. Wow…seriously? I’ve toked plenty in my day and that analogy still sounded pretty fucked. Please tell me you’re a Juggalette and it will help explain it all for me.

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