DUKE MITCHELL "my dad sang as a profession he was not a movie maker..."
DUKE MITCHELL my dad sang as a profession he was not a movie maker...
  • DUKE MITCHELL “my dad sang as a profession he was not a movie maker…”

I just received this impassioned email regarding my review of Gone With the Pope, a movie I truly enjoyed that recently played at the Hollywood Theatre. In my review, I refer to director/star/singer Duke Mitchell as a “schlocky nightclub entertainer and Dean Martin wanna-be.” This apparently really angered Duke Mitchell’s son Jeffrey.

An excerpt:

if you’re a chick your probably fat… try and pull the cube of butter out of your face and fat ass…..if your a guy..you need a good bitch slap you little schmuck.. come and talk to me in person you little wimp who thinks he can say what he wants because he is behind a computer.. your a daft twit…

There’s more… so much more… and you’ll definitely want to read the rest of the unflattering-nickname-strewn email after the jump. Also, I think I’ve been challenged to a rumble.

Dearest Twatley.
tried to post this but your lame psuedo paper would not let me post. so i thought i would just personally send it to you..if you have any balls…post it Fartley!

First of all..i shouldnt grace your comments with a reply, but i shall.. i was in England when my father was making these films..but for some dim wit to call him a Dean Martin wanna be is very un cool..first of all Dean. although a fine guy and the father of my tennis partner Dino jr was a great guy, he hardly considered himself a singer..my dad sang as a profession he was not a movie maker…the man could really sing….listen to some tracks he did for Joe Hanna and Bill Barbera as the singing voice for Fred Flintsone for his friends with a fledgling cartoon company… just for fun…it’s more than you will achieve in your life “Courtless” the tracks were recorded with the Count Basie and Hoyt Curtain tonight show band..these guys were all excellent and so very cool..search “listen To the Rocking Bird” Mr/Ms Wanna be a writer”.and Im not saying that just because im his son…the guy could just really sing.. the internet..provides schlocky writers and wanna be reviewers such as you a place where the can purge there ugliness and call it an opinion of course that’s fair..but this guy /girl here “Cuntney’ has taken a leap by judging my father by one movie he did when he was really ill and dying of cancer.. What did you father do Buttholioly?..was he a mailman? did he clean up horseshit? how dare you even speak of my dad.. please send me some reviews of your dads work…of course you couldn’t write for a publication and have someone pay for your “opine” you merely blurt it out..well your a classless dimwit.. come on down to the Hollywood Hills and we’ll talk you piece of shit.. i hope you bring your father too.. I will add a few islands of truth to your hapless and undocumented talk of MY father and islands of pain….. Dean Martin was a nice man and a family friend.. Sinatra used to come and see my dad sing in Palm Springs and Vegas regularly.. you think they came because he was schlocky Cuntley? in fact Sinatra gave me his golden microphone.. currently in “profiles and History” it will fetch more than you will ever make in anything regarding the entertainment industry…..ever..who in God’s name do you think you are to be so rude..its OK to review this movie..but to think you have any perspective on my dads career or life..and the right to judge him before this is just wrong.. You owe an apology to my family.. but your probably too busy writing some other callous bullshit about some other person who has passed away and cant defend themselves..your most probably in Portland…where it does nothing but rain..so your accustomed to being a miserable son of a bitch..come on down here cockney..if you’re a chick your probably fat try and pull the cube of butter out of your face and fat ass…..if your a guy..you need a good bitch slap you little schmuck.. come and talk to me in person you little wimp who thinks he can say what he wants because he is behind a computer.. your a daft twit..and i just wanted to tell ya! now have a great day…im sure your probably abusing someone else..or perhaps this is all because your father sexually abused you and you hate men> who cares.. your a loser.. the only reason i even saw this was because an Academy award winner forwarded it to me.. do they win those in Portlandia? Cuntley?….come meet me and we will discuss our dads… bring about six or seven of your pot riddled ass wipe portland scumbags so it will be a fair meeting.. i toured thru Portland and there were some decent people there..but your not one…no one should judge anyone and make rude remarks about someone unless they are sure.. you were wrong and now i will follow your career and personally alter it in terms of anything concerned with entertainment… except maybe your ability to blouuuurg..but if you try to go pro…man..your done already! :)) .. if you wanted an “in” to the industry..you messed with the wrong persons father… although not in the business of reviewing i have oftened written for Hollywood Today.. a real entertainment on line magaine… and im not a pro..i had to cover friends like McCartney at coachella and other events of like kind.. we wouldnt see you backstage there now would we Twatley? best of luck .

All the Very best,

Jeffrey Mitchell

There I posted it.
Sincerely,
Ms. Fartley Ferguson

Mercury copy chief and appreciator of the most sophisticated form of comedy: PUNS!

28 replies on “The Best Hatemail I’ve Ever Received”

  2. This is amazing, can I please be a “pot riddled ass wipe portland scumbag”??
    I love how he just name drops so many things, this guy is great. He should get a column to educate all of Portlandia.

  3. I kind of want to write everything from now on with a cube of butter on my face (but not my ass) as a fuck you to that guy. And because I like butter.

  5. Money can buy a great education,but it doesn’t always stick. This guy excels at using “trade lingo” and frat party catch phrases. The curse of the famous parent seems to be written all over him- name dropping, prop dropping (I wonder how many “golden mic’s” Sinatra had made to give to his pals kids?) If he’s trying to be a comedian, he’s gonna have a small but faithful audience. I laughed. And then I got bored.

  7. you know, i’ve been prone to use an excessive semi-colon or two. but what this man has done with the ellipsis is just criminal.
    then again, his dad is better than my dad, so i probably shouldn’t say anything about it. otherwise, he’ll beat me up next time i’m in l.a.

  8. When someone uses ellipses like that, it’s hard to not imagine them as junkies who fall asleep mid-sentence, and it’s probably not far off.

    “if you wanted an “in” to the industry..you messed with the wrong persons father”

    HAR!

    I propose we draft an abject apology on Fartney’s behalf, and see if we can’t set up a pitch meeting with JM.

  9. Everyone knows what a “golden microphone” is. This poor kid was abused as a child and is just acting out until he gets treatment.

    I would run with than name Cuntney.

  12. I totally understand the impulse to defend ones father. No one likes to have their dearly departed parents mocked.

    But this guy. Jesus. This guy just made his whole genetic line look like a dead end. Grats!

  13. (I’ve watched that trailer at least a dozen times in my life, and I’m contained within a dharma womb of perfect contentment, with no desire to see the rest of the picture.)

  15. Rosy,
    “Everyone knows what a “golden microphone” is.”
    What does that mean? Is it slang? Or is it just a golden microphone, literally…

  16. I just want to say that this is another reason I kind of look up to minor Portland celebrities like Courtney and the rest of the Mercury staff. I sincerely wish that I had a job in which someone would be so angry they would have to make insulting puns about my name. And it would be so easy, people. Martin rhymes with “fartin’,” you know.

  18. Hey, if you make unflattering assertions about a guy’s parents, you can expect some blowback. You could have dealt with it in a mature manner. Or, you could have posted the guy’s response on your blog in an attempt to expose him to public ridicule. The choice was yours.

  20. +1 ROM.

    J, it’s criticism for fuck’s sake. Every review of every piece of art of any kind involves CRITICISM of a human being who is a) definitely someone’s child and b) possibly someone’s parent.

    Do you really think that every “unflattering” portion of a review should lead to angry, insulting letters from the family members of the reviewed, challenging them to a fistfight? That’s a reasonable response to artistic criticism?

    The real tragedy is that I didn’t get to see this movie.

  21. The whole “My dad is better than your dad” vibe is just hilarious to me. I bet his dad would be disgusted by what the son has turned into…

  25. @abusive: he used a correct “you’re” in the beginning of the first sentence that she quoted. But then two letters later used it incorrectly. I know I’m impressed!

  26. Mind=blown. I’ve learned so much from the tragic comedy that is Duke’s failed offspring. Please, Jeffrey, learn some basics about the English language before you feel the burning need to “defend” your dad’s “legacy” (and the obviously uncontrollable desire to glean any fading glamour from it) by spouting off publicly.

    Let’s all “like” his Facebook page – where I learned even more as to the root of a fractured psychology which would lead to challenging you to a duel. Of course, it wasn’t because an Academy award winner forwarded this to me did I even see it, being from Portlandia ‘n’ all.

    http://www.facebook.com/pages/Jeffrey-Mitchell/144434295590165

  27. Oh my! This thing is a treasure! My absolute favorite part is this earnest lesson hidden betwixt rude judgements, schoolyard insults, and ignorant assumptions:
    “..no one should judge anyone and make rude remarks about someone unless they are sure..”

    Incredible!

    Close runner-up was the part about islands of truth and islands of pain.

  28. Duke Mitchell made two great schlocky exploitation movies, both near masterpieces as far as real grindhouse cinema is concerned. But, after reading this, I love his son even more. Not only because he sounds like a 45 year old manchild trapped in the body of a petulant four year old with peanut butter on his fingers trying to grab and touch every knob in Daddy’s car (a type of people I have a personal bias in favor of), but because Frank & Dino & Paul McCartney were his babysitters (or something like that? I think?… Jeffrey Mitchell’s language is as cryptic as Sumerian hieroglyphics), and also how his dad could apparently kick this blogger’s dad’s ass, but mostly I respect his talent and unorthodox approach to writing; James Joyce re-invented the novel, Donald Barthelme re-invented the short story, and with this response Jeffrey Mitchell has clearly revolutionized the blogosphere, sending literary shockwaves across the globe with his “take no prisoners” approach. Grammatical accuracies? Punctuation? Coherent sentences and/or thoughts? FUCK YOU, OLD MAN!!! THIS AIN’T YOUR DAD’S HATEMAIL! THIS IS HATEMAIL FROM A NEW BREED; WE’RE OUT FOR BLOOD AND WE’RE TOO ENRAGED FOR YOUR PUSSY FARTMOUTH ENGLISH SEMBLANCE!…. YOU FARTHEAD!… I can see why Hollywood Today would ofteneded approach him to writeded for them.

    After reading this I’m just glad to see that I’m not the only person in this world that is going to die alone.

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