Throughout our fine nation, Oregonians are known as a lazy,
shiftless breed—a species whose members rarely manage to complete
kindergarten, let alone attempt higher education. However, even a
half-assed Wikipedia search proves that not all Oregonians are
useless layabouts (unlike you), and some of them even managed to
graduate high school! What follows is a list of famous Oregonians, the
estimated dates they graduated high school, and a list of their
admirable accomplishments. HEED THEIR EXAMPLE.
1842—Ranald MacDonald. It is an obvious and clear fact
that schools did not even exist in the 1800s, when everybody propelled
cars with their feet and slid down dinosaurs’ tails (as documented in
The Flintstones). But Ranald “Please Don’t Call Me Ronald”
MacDonald was born in Astoria, and went on to be the first person to
teach English in Japan, so he deserves to be included here. As a side
note, I don’t care what those goddamn hippies say, McDonald’s french
fries are fucking delicious. (Or, as Ranald would say, “¡!”)
1934—Beverly Cleary. From Henry Huggins to
Ramona the Pest, Cleary wrote a ton of the stories you were
forced to do boring-ass book reports on in elementary school.
1956—Phil Knight. The dude owns Nike. He could buy and
sell your ass eight trillion times over.
1966—Sally Struthers. Wikipedia says it best: “The
ironic disparity between her activism for starving children and her own
weight gain was parodied in three South Park episodes: ‘Starvin’
Marvin’ (1997), ‘Starvin’ Marvin in Space’ (1999), and a minor part in
‘The Death of Eric Cartman’ (2005).” Ha ha! Those were some great
episodes, all right! Nice work, Sally.
1970—Mitch Pileggi. Director Skinner on The X
Files! Colonel Caldwell on Stargate Atlantis! The host of
Breaking the Magician’s Code: Magic’s Biggest Secrets Finally
Revealed! MITCH PILEGGI IS THE MOST IMPORTANT MAN IN ALL OF OREGON
HISTORY. THE MERCURY HEREBY DECLARES TODAY TO BE “MITCH PILEGGI
DAY.” CELEBRATE AS YOU WILL, PREFERABLY BY WRITING EROTIC FAN FICTION
DETAILING WHAT HAPPENS WHEN AGENT SCULLY GOES TO ATLANTIS.
1972—Matt Groening. The dude created The
Simpsons. He could buy and sell Phil Knight’s ass eight trillion
times over.
1988—Tonya Harding. Want to know the only cool thing
that ever happened in figure skating? It’s when Tonya Harding
made her hilariously named ex-husband, Jeff Gillooly (say it three
times fast!) CRIPPLE A RIVAL FIGURE SKATER. Now that’s how you
figure skate, pussies! (Mercury Fun Fact™! Tonya Harding
also holds the world record for drinking hot sauce!)
2002—Tami Farrell. Maybe you know her better as “Miss
Teen USA 2003.” I know I do, if you catch my meaning! Eh?
Eh? Because we… eh, fuck it. Never mind.
UNKNOWN—Gary the Retard. Okay, I’m not sure if Gary the
Retard graduated high school. (I’m guessing he probably didn’t.) But he
does live in Albany, and he did manage to get a job on Howard Stern’s
show—proving, once again, that education isn’t everything.
