Donna Martin—then a resident of the 90210 area of Beverly Hills—spent her teen years playing Tori Spelling, a supposed daughter of famous Hollywood producer Aaron Spelling. Ever since Martin moved away from 90210 in 2000, Martin has made a career out of being Tori Spelling—even going so far as to write a tell-all “autobiography” about […]
Kiala Kazebee
Posted inMovies & TV
Fat Jared Leto’s Got a Gun!
John Lennon vs. Jordan Catalano
Jared Leto has packed on a good 700 pounds to play the role of Salinger savant and Beatle murderer Mark David Chapman in J.P. Schaefer’s directorial debut—which might as well be titled Bridget Jones’ Diary 3: John Lennon Was a Goddamn Phony. Leto lisps and paunches his way through Schaefer’s film, spewing entire paragraphs from […]
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Demi Moore Has a Terrible Accent
Flawless: Sort of Suspenseful
Michael Caine could play an estate planner who did nothing but read books about estate planning in a beige chair in a beige room for 90 minutes and I would still pay 10 dollars to see it. Demi Moore, on the other hand, could play somebody interesting doing interesting things, while naked, with other naked […]
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The Karate Club
Never Back Down Is Weirdly Familiar…
Never Back Down tells the story of a good-looking teenager from the wrong side of the tracks and his single mother, who move to a new town filled with wealthy shitsticks who want to fight him via non-sanctioned combat that may or may not take place in a basement owned by Tyler Durden. Shitstick pack […]
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Too Cool for School
Attending Class at the Rock ‘n’ Roll Camp for Girls
I would love to pretend that as a little girl I was exactly like Palace: A delicate, eight-year-old redhead with style to burn and the emotional intensity of Franny Glass. But in reality, I was the little girl who threw up all over herself playing kickball on the first day of the third grade and […]
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James McAvoy + Anthropologie
13-Year-Old Girls: Get Thee to Penelope
If Drew Barrymore adopted the lovechild of Jean-Pierre Jeunet and Tim Burton and then fobbed the kid off on a nanny named Mandy Moore, the end result would be Penelope. Christina Ricci stars as Penelope, a poor little rich girl hiding a horrifying secret—she was born with a pig’s nose. And then Rod Serling comes […]
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A New Level of Dumb
First Sunday: Praise Jesus and Pass the Ammunition!
Are the days of the week simply too difficult for Ice Cube to remember? Is differentiating Monday from Friday from Wednesday (okay, Wednesday is a BITCH to spell) more tedious for the Cube than the rest of us? Is that why he agreed to be in this gigantic pile of poo? To help him arrange […]