Lars and the Real Girl has been generating a lot of fratty chitchat lately as a pervy novelty film. Like, “Hoo-haw! I saw on E! News that there’s a movie about a sex doll! A doll! To have sex with! That is so nasty, brah! I hope it has Dane Cook! Who wants to go […]
Lindy West
Posted inMovies & TV
Your Children Are Racists
Thanks, Ten Commandments!
I don’t know if you know, but back in olden times, ages ago, there was a place called Egypt. The president of Egypt was named Pharaoh, and he did not like Jews at all. “These Children of Israel,” he said, “I don’t like them. Not at all.” Pharaoh started murdering all the Hebrewean boy-babies—except, um, […]
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Hooray for Abortion
The Heartbreak Kid: Mexican Rats, Venomous Jellyfish, and Carlos Mencia’s Penis
I knew we’d have to have this conversation sometime. Hmmm. What’s the best way to put this? Okay, sometimes, when a wacky misunderstanding and a rotting turd love each other very much, they do a… a special kind of hugging, and then, nine months later, a Farrelly Brothers movie comes out. Of Hollywood’s birth canal. […]
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Lonely Women Like Pie
Waitress and Some Too-Sweet Pie
This is a movie about pie: eating pie, serving pie, baking pie, talking about pie, and finding deep meaning in pie that pie doesn’t really possess. Jenna (Keri Russell), a knocked-up waitress in an unspecified southern land, has just invented a new pie: It’s called “I Don’t Want Earl’s Baby Pie,” or, for short, “Bad […]
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TV: Better Than Movies
Fast Forward Flannel Pajamas
“What’s this movie about?” “Relationships I guess.” “Oh look, it’s that chick from Law & Order.” “I like her freckles. OMG, is that Barto from Jack & Jill?” “It IS Barto! What are they talking about?” “I wasn’t listening.” “I think they were on a blind date, and now they’re in love.” “What the fuck? […]
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I’m Staying Home
MAGICAL CRAP WE LOVE, PART III
And now, for the final installment of the Mercury‘s ode to magical crap we love! This week: made-for-TV magical crap! And Dragonheart. • The Tenth Kingdom (2000)—Okay, so this shit is seven hours long. And since I don’t like to be awake for more than 10 hours on any given weekend, I really only got […]
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I’m Staying Home
Magical Crap We Love, Part II
And the Mercury‘s celebration of fantasy movies continues! This week: The glory of animated sword and sorcery! • The Last Unicorn (1982)—Being a chick, I love everything about this movie. I love unicorn hair and harpy titties and pirate cats and that alcoholic gay skeleton. I love the background scenery, soft and stylized like a […]
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I’m Staying Home
MAGICAL CRAP WE LOVE, PART I
The faun-filled phantasm of Pan’s Labyrinth reminded us of all the other magical crap we love. Here’s the first installment—featuring “dragon-rods,” loincloths, and oiled pectorals! Dungeons & Dragons (2000)—I can’t prove it, but I feel like I might be Earth’s only human who’s watched this movie all the way through. (Definitely the only female.) A […]
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Wise Men Crack Wise
Stop Me if You’ve Heard This Nativity Story Before
The concept sounds pretty awesome: a behind-the-scenes look at the conception, gestation, and birth of Jesus, directed by a fearless expert on teen sluttiness (Catherine Hardwicke of Thirteen), starring a hot Joseph and that girl from Whale Rider with the cool-looking face. With such influential and fucked-up source material (Virgin birth? Massacre of the innocents?), […]
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Fold Space!
Fighting Terrorists Through Time Travel
Hey, tough guy! Think nothing could possibly make Denzel Washington more awesome? Well, how about the ability to TRAVEL through TIME? And how about the ability to travel through time while engaging in witty patter with hilarious Hebrew Adam Goldberg? And how about if he also has a HEART OF GOLD? Did I just kick […]
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Discovery and Revenge
Twelve and Holding: A Twisted Coming of Age
You think you get it at first: a standard snooze of a summer coming-of-age story, complete with bullies, bikes, a tree house, and a fat kid who loves Cheetos. But five minutes in, Twelve and Holding takes a turn for the macabre and you realize you have never been more wrong. It’s the tale of […]