OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, I hope everybody thinks George W. Bush is the greatest thing since canned peas, ’cause he’s gonna be our next president. How can I be so sure? Because the same American public who will vote for that bumbling Texas cow-humper also voted to make Eddie, the one-legged Jersey jerk, the grand-prize […]
Wm. Steven Humphrey
Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang.
Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
The Humpy Super-Computer 2000
AS WE ALL REALIZE by now, when it comes to TV shows, my critical judgment cannot be trusted. That’s why every year I end up stealing a retarded monkey from the zoo to help me pick the best new shows of the TV season. Unfortunately, every zoo within a hundred miles has been put on […]
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
A Touch of EEEEEEEVIL
HEY! EVER SEEN that show on VH1 called Where Are They Now? Well, if you ask me, VH1 should devote an entire show just to SATAN! Think about it! When’s the last time Lucifer popped up on the cultural radar? He literally hasn’t drowned a toddler in years! So why the no-show? Here’s my theory: […]
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
Corporal Punishment Pop Quiz
LET ME TELL YOU, students these days have it EASYYYYYY. As our nation’s youth return to their classes for another educational year of school, they should remember that when I was their age, I didn’t get away with half the crap that they will. For example, when I was in the eighth grade? Mr. Ross, […]
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
Let’s Go Mojo!
HMMMM here’s an interesting question posed by a concerned I Love Television™ reader: “Dear Wm.™ Steven Hump-me. You like monkeys, right? Well, how do you feel about the fact that there was no ‘Best Performance by a Monkey’ award on the recent Emmy telecast? Are you mad about this? I AM! Sincerely, Beth Collins. P.S. […]
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
Bored & Nude
MAY I SAY NOW, and for the record, that I fawking HATE this time of year! The waning days of summer are the WORST time for finding any entertainment on the tube. All the summer series (like Survivor) are finished, leaving us with nothing to do but pick lint out of our orifices and wait […]
Posted inMovies & TV
Pep and Circumstance
Bring It On Delivers
IT’S A SAD FACT that this summer’s movies have all the appeal of a moist bag of donkey vomit. However, in the midst of this cinematic drought, a savior has finally appeared–and she’s wearing a cheerleading outfit. Bring It On is not only the best film of the summer, but possibly the best teen movie […]
Posted inUncategorized
Last Supper
Holier-Than-Thou Food Review
BONNIE’S BURGERS & TERIYAKI 111 NW 21st, 224-8438 My Aunt Wanda once had a nervous breakdown, and for months, could only eat fried chicken from a Texaco station. She was also fearful of being overcome by poisonous fumes, but the thing that really bugged my family was the chicken. We weren’t concerned about her eating […]
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
Why the Caged Hump Sings
THOUGH SOME MAY THINK OTHERWISE, getting thrown in jail is NOT exactly a trip to the ice cream factory. Ohhh, sure! There are those among us who think that being imprisoned is the “new” “cool” “EXTREME” “sport,” like skateboarding, mountain biking, or midget auto racing. However, take it from someone who has served HARD TIME […]
Posted inMovies & TV
Cheer Up, Chuck!
Charlton Heston Goes Mutant Hunting in The Omega Man
IF YOU WATCH Saturday morning television, you’ve probably seen Charlton Heston’s NRA infomercial where he wags his bony finger at President Clinton for daring to suggest that trigger locks might be a good idea. And though he may be a blithering, gun-happy grandpa, Chuck used to be, well, almost liberal–even marching on Washington with Martin […]
Posted inTheater & Performance
You’re A Good Man, Charlie Brown
Theater Review
Sylvia’s Class Act Dinner Theatre 5115 NE Sandy Blvd, 288-6868 Through Sept 2 As the institution of American Theater tumbles into an abyss of public apathy, one can only wonder what caused this previously honorable form of entertainment to reach its current sorry state. Though drama schools have been teaching student actors the rudimentary basics […]
Posted inNews
BUILT FOR SPEED
Behind the Wheel at the PDX Adult Soapbox Derby
Danger comes in many forms: as the snarling dog with the broken leash, the drunken frat boy on a jet ski, or even something as innocuous as an unattended rollerskate left on a staircase by a malevolent child. Even under normal circumstances, danger patiently waits within arms’ length, ready to bruise a leg, poke out […]