VIOLENCE is one of the most degrading aspects of being human. It’s little wonder then that the sport of boxing is often looked upon with revulsion. When all is said and done, boxing just isn’t like other sports: One isn’t trying merely to jump higher or run faster. Ultimately, the intent of boxing is to […]
Wm. Steven Humphrey
Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang.
Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
TVs for Tots
THE GIFT-GIVING SEASON is the time of year when people are fond of calling me an inhuman monster. While it’s true that there is something decidedly wrong with the inner workings of my noggin, I am NOT a monster when it comes to the holidays. In fact, I have decided to dedicate this entire column […]
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
Ode to Quacky
Dear Jenny: God, I love you, too! Here you go, and tell your uncle Stan he’s got the right idea! My poems are best when read aloud in a sing-songy, boisterous tone while carelessly waving a bottle of liquor. But keep those hankies close, folks! I’m warning ya, this one’s a fawking tear-jerker! Quacky, the […]
Posted inShopping
Gifts for the Television-Loving Geek
by the author of the popular Mercury column I Love Television,
Pullout: Guide to Gifts
Posted inNews
25 Issues of Excellence!
A Look Back at the Portland Mercury’s Long Road to Jourinalistic Success
Editor-in-Chief
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
Give a Hooter, Don’t Polluter
NOW THAT A newly elected president is on his way, you need I Love Television™ more than ever. Television is the opiate of the masses, and with a jackass dickhole in the White House, I’m spending the next four years with a TV IV drip stuck in my arm. Oh! And speaking of which, I […]
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
Rights and Wrongs
HEY! I ADMIT IT! When I make a boo-boo, you won’t see me scurrying around, covering my tracks. No siree, Bob! When I make an error, I stand up straight and yell to the world, “WORLD, I admit it! I made a mistake! I am not perfect! I am not a God! I am much […]
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
Our Stoopid Democratic Process
LIKE IT OR NOT, the American political system is full of dooky! While there’s nothing better than being an American and enjoying the spoils of our great country (i.e., hot rods, Kool and the Gang, and unlimited oral sex on demand), the simple act of electing a president is making me want to blow my […]
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
IT IS A WELL-KNOWN FACT I consider the so-called “art” of poetry to be the delirious ravings of bi-polar nerds and lonely spinster librarians. However! It doesn’t mean I’m not capable of doing it myself. The way I see it, there is both a time and place for poetic license, and poetry is ruined by […]
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
Dark Humpy
IT IS BECOMING increasingly apparent to me that the world needs a new kind of TV superstar. A superstar that not only appeals to every demographic, but also looks great when his honey-baked ham is vacuum-packed into a tight pair of trousers. Naturally, that superstar should be ME. I was struck by this realization after […]
Posted inUncategorized
JUSTA PASTA
1336 NW 19th Ave, 229-0646 It’s a fact: The majority of annoying dining experiences transpire in Italian restaurants. And that’s because many have the audacity to charge $10+ for a freakin’ bowl of store-bought pasta and a couple dollops of warmed-over Ragu. However, when the pasta and sauce is made in-house, by those who exhibit […]
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
The Smell of Fear
OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, I hope everybody thinks George W. Bush is the greatest thing since canned peas, ’cause he’s gonna be our next president. How can I be so sure? Because the same American public who will vote for that bumbling Texas cow-humper also voted to make Eddie, the one-legged Jersey jerk, the grand-prize […]