Spring is a time for rebirth and renewal–as well as getting stoopid drunky on the liquor of one’s choice. However, after emerging from a winter-long slumber of hot toddies and PBR, wouldn’t it be nice to have a brand new drink to go along with the brand new you? Face facts, folks; everybody including the […]
Wm. Steven Humphrey
Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang.
Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
Of Donkeys and Sitcoms
You know, it’s fascinating. Even though the ideas for most TV shows could just as easily have been thought up by a stage-four syphilitic donkey, somehow they still let network executives do the job. Even more fascinating, while these brain-addled retards are blowing money derived from these shows on a varied litany of cocaine, prostitutes, […]
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
Mary-Kate and Ashley Forever!
First of all, are you excited about Benicio Del Toro being in town? ME TOO!!! But I’m even more excited about the Mercury Spelling Bee I’m hosting this Friday (April 6)! I mean, what if Benicio shows up? What if he says, “Humpy, my Humpy. You set my baggy eyes aflame with desire!” And what […]
Posted inUncategorized
All Yall’s BBQ
All Yall’s BBQ 1337 NE Broadway Don’t think me stuck-up, but when it comes to barbecue, I know my stuff. I was raised in the greatest barbecue cities in America: Birmingham, Columbia, Chicago, and Memphis. However, no matter where you go, there is but one constant: the service is so slow many patrons die before […]
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
MOVE IT! MOVE IT! MOVE IT!
You know, many of you assume the only reason I enjoy reality shows like Temptation Island–excuse me, Gonorrhea Peninsula–is simply to watch people suffer. Well, you assume correctly. While many viewers choose their favorite characters and root for them to win, I prefer to howl with malicious glee as these disgusting, subhuman jackasses get themselves […]
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
Bring Back the Sack
Today we will be talking about the scrotal sack, and–OHHHH, DON’T YOU GIVE ME THAT LOOK. You’ve been reading me for ages, so don’t start rolling your eyes and whispering under your breath, “Oh, jeez. Here we go with the ‘scrotal sack’ again.” You should know by now that if I decide to pontificate on […]
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
Cylons Can Suck My Wiener
Wah-hoooo! Didja hear? Fancy-pants movie director Bryan Singer (The Usual Suspects, X-Men) has just announced that he’s creating an updated version of Battlestar Galactica! Wottayamean you don’t remember it?! Battlestar Galactica was only one of the most expensive and brilliantly cheesy shows in TV history. Costing a million smackers per episode, the series starred former […]
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
This Little Piggy
Pig poop hits fan on Survivor! Tribal member trades morality for plate of baby-back ribs! Hello, I’m Wm.™ Steven Humphrey, and THIS is an I Love Television™ SPECIAL REPORT! (Chukka, chukka, chukka, chukka, chukka, chukka.) Dateline: Australia! An epidemic of foot-stomping indignation has been sweeping the globe ever since a small wild pig was trapped […]
Posted inFeature
Videogames Made the Radio Star
Picking the Best of Current Video Game Soundtracks
Pullout: “We’re Geeks and We Know It” Music Issue
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
Everybody Loves a Winner!
Let the bells ring and confetti fall, because it’s time to announce the winner of my “Pitch a Reality Show™ Contest™!” As we all know, reality-show producers have money running out the ass–so why shouldn’t money be running out your ass, too?! That’s why I chose the best reality-show pitch out of all your contest […]
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
The Topic of Sexual Intercourse
Before we get to today’s main topic (sexual intercourse), I’d like to touch on the topic of Jennifer Lopez (a topic many would enjoy touching on). We all know that Ms. Lopez goes by the hiphop nickname “J. Lo.” So I’m thinking, why does Jennifer get a hiphop nickname and not the rest of my […]
Posted inMovies & TV
Lost in Space
The Dish Beats the Odds
Directors like Steven Spielberg take great delight in documenting the heroics of the Apollo space program–steely nerved astronauts risk life and limb as brilliant engineers sleeplessly toil on the earth below, giving their all to bring our boys back alive. But what of the people behind the scenes who slaved selflessly to make space travel […]