“Who is the brainiest music geek in the world?” That’s the question the Mercury will set out to discover with our new feature, the “Music Trivia Challenge!” And here’s how it works! Every month we will pair up the two brainiest music geeks we know to go head to head in “music trivia.” Each participant […]
Wm. Steven Humphrey
Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang.
Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
I Did Not Kill Buffy!
Last week, I had the pleasure of having close to 10,000 angry I Love Television™ readers chew deeply into my ass via e-mail. And they all were screaming something to this effect: “Dear Wm.™ Steven Hump-me! It is with great anger that I just witnessed the Buffy the Vampire Slayer finale, in which Buffy saved […]
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
The Startling I Love Television Season Finale!
America holds the following truth to be self-evident: Nobody loves TV like Wm.™ Steven Hump-me. However! I am beginning to find that my love for television is being overshadowed by the grim specter of the ugliest of all emotions: JEALOUSY. I try to remind myself that the purpose of television is to live vicariously through […]
Posted inMovies & TV
Ooh-La-La! It Stinks!
Moulin Rouge Shares Much in Common with Pepe Le Pew
Moulin Rouge dir. Baz Luhrmann Opens Fri June 1 Various Theaters While there is much to dislike about the French, they did provide the world with Franch toast, Franch fries, and Franch‘s Mustard–for which we should be eternally grateful. And in turn-of-the-century Paris (the other century, not this one), the city was also birthplace to […]
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
Star Trek: The Next Insemination
Calling all nerds! It’s time to breathe a sigh of relief and wipe the sweat off those thick glasses, because Star Trek is coming out with a brand-new show this fall! That’s right! And hold on to your pocket protector, Poindexter, because this one promises to be more exciting than a Spiderman/Spawn crossover! Now that […]
Posted inMusic
Emergency: Pro or Con?
I am so Con-Emergency!
Within the world of experimental rock ‘n’ roll, there lies two camps: the annoying, and the deeply annoying. And as for the group Emergency, they have somehow managed to supercede these categories to create an entirely new camp: the disturbingly annoying. Take for example, their unfathomable popularity. For those who are “in the know” (i.e., […]
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
Super Friends are No Friends of Mine!
If you grew up watching the same cartoons I did, then you will no doubt agree that Super Friends super-SUCKED. Even as a wee diaper-dumper, I had the aesthetic wherewithal to recognize that the half-baked rendition of the Justice League comic books was as exciting as a bag full of monkey paste. The main problem […]
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
The “Rock ‘n’ Roll” Lifestyle
While it’s true that I live, breathe, eat, poop, burp, and sneeze television, there was a time in my life when my career could’ve taken a very different route indeed. Though it may shock the underpants off some, I actually came this close to chucking my career as a smart-assy columnist to live the glamorous […]
Posted inUncategorized
New York Vinny’s
New York Vinny’s Corner of 23rd Ave and Lovejoy I was planning to review the Good Samaritan Hospital cafeteria, until I witnessed the following disturbing scene: Approaching the 23rd Avenue entrance, a wild-haired half-naked man covered with electrodes suddenly came bursting through the doors. A small mob of nurses were in hot pursuit, screaming, “STOP […]
Posted inI Love Television
A Fuming Letter of Impotent Rage
TO THE SHORTSIGHTED EXECUTIVES AT FOX STUDIOS: Hello. In case you do not know who is writing this letter, prepare to pee-stain those fancy Armani trousers–because I am Wm.™ Steven Humphrey, author of America’s most prestigious column, I Love Television™!!! Now. It has come to my attention that your studio is filming a remake of […]
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
Chain Me Up and Call Me Stupid
Here’s an interesting question to ponder while you eat sugar-frosted flakes and scratch your nether regions: WHAT HAS BECOME OF OUR NATION’S MORALS? Naturally, you won’t find them here! Yep, if you’re looking for moral values, I’d say you’d have as much luck finding them in I Love Television™ as you would a gay bathhouse […]
Posted inI Love Television
Mmmmmmonkey Love
My fellow American I Love Television™ readers (and even those in foreign countries except of course for the Krauts, who I hate), it is time once again to make your voices heard! As we all know by now, when a grave injustice is committed against humanity, it is up to I, Wm.™ Steven Hump-me, to […]