Wm. Steven Humphrey, Author at Portland Mercury

Bar-chetypes!

A Sociological Overview of Barflys, Lotharios, the Unemployed, and Other Fine Folks Who Frequent Our Favorite Place in the World–the Bar

John Dooley, Katia Dunn, Wm. Steven Humphrey, Julianne Shepherd, and Katie ShimerAugust 16, 2001 4:00 amJuly 12, 2022 6:59 pm

A ponderous question: Why are “bars” so unlike other business establishments? And why are the people you see in “bars” so very frightening and unlike anyone you’ve seen anywhere else (save the Greyhound bus station)? In order to rub salve on these concerns, the Mercury has set out to document and classify several bar archetypes–or […]

Movies & TV

Dipping the Wick

Cynthia Plaster Caster and the Art of Genitalia

Wm. Steven HumphreyAugust 9, 2001 4:00 amJuly 12, 2022 6:59 pm

Plaster Caster dir. Villines August 10 & 11 Guild Theater There are few stories in the annals of rock history as mysterious as the legend of Cynthia Plaster Caster. Immortalized in the song “Plaster Caster,” by KISS, Cynthia is regarded for her extensive collection of–to put it crudely–molds of rock star cocks. Since the late […]

I Love Television

News You Can Use

Wm. Steven HumphreyAugust 9, 2001 4:00 amJuly 12, 2022 6:59 pm

You know, every now and then, I like to look over previous editions of I Love Television™, and I can’t help but say to myself, “GOD!!! This is soooo STOOPID!!!” Seriously–what a dumbass column I write! Every goddam week it’s the same thing: “Big Brother blah! Blah! BLAH!” “Tom Selleck’s booshy moostache blah! Blah! BLAH!” […]

I Love Television

Television of the Apes

Wm. Steven HumphreyAugust 2, 2001 4:00 amJuly 12, 2022 6:59 pm

You went ahead and did it, didn’t ya? You went ahead and saw the new Planet of the Apes movie even though you knew Marky Mark didn’t show his booty once, and Tim Burton cannot direct his way out of a dampened square of tissue paper. Okay, so I don’t blame ya. I mean, even […]

I Love Television

Who’s Watching Big Brother?

Wm. Steven HumphreyJuly 26, 2001 4:00 amJuly 12, 2022 6:59 pm

So. Have you been watching the second season of Big Brother? No, you have NOT, because you correctly recognize it as the task of an idiot. And besides, why should you watch it when you know full well that I’M watching it and will tell you if anything remotely interesting happens? You are very smart […]

I Love Television

The Second Mrs. Wm. Steven Humphrey

Wm. Steven HumphreyJuly 19, 2001 4:00 amJuly 12, 2022 6:59 pm

You know, I’m constantly deluged with mail requesting intimate details about Wm.™ Steven Hump-me: what I have for breakfast, where I buy my snappy threads, the length of any pertinent bits of genitalia. However! Many are also interested in learning more about “the second Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey.” Longtime readers have undoubtedly noted passing mentions […]

Movies & TV

Jurassic Park III Stinks

…But Planet of the Apes is Only a Week Away!

Wm. Steven HumphreyJuly 19, 2001 4:00 amJuly 12, 2022 6:59 pm

Show of hands: Who’s ready to pee their pants for Planet of the Apes? WOOOOO-HOOOO! Me, too! I loves me some Planet of the Apes! Unfortunately, due to a highly unfair lottery system, I got stuck reviewing Jurassic Park III. I mean, put yourself in my position. How would you feel if you had the […]

I Love Television

Can’t Say Shit

Wm. Steven HumphreyJuly 12, 2001 4:00 amJuly 12, 2022 6:59 pm

When the fanatical readers of I Love Television™ write in, they usually have one of two things to say: (1) Nelly Furtado is not Adolf Hitler, and you are a dick; and (2) how come you always write about television, and never for television? Both are good points. Though I don’t care what people think […]

I Love Television

Now I Am Seven<

Wm. Steven HumphreyJuly 5, 2001 4:00 amJuly 12, 2022 6:59 pm

Editor’s note: Upon realizing that I Love Television™ is celebrating its seventh anniversary, Wm.™ Steven Humphrey chose to get stinking drunk and not write a column this week (not that this has ever stopped him before). Regardless, you may still enjoy this column from the I Love Television™ archives, which has been substantially altered to […]

News

LET’S BLOW SOME SHIT UP

An Explosive Guide to the Latest in Firework Technology

Wm. Steven HumphreyJune 28, 2001 4:00 amJuly 12, 2022 6:59 pm

When our forefathers gave their lives on the battlefields of glory to rid our new country of the stinking British, they didn’t do it just so you could sit on your ass every Fourth of July eating barbecued ribs and swilling Pabst Blue Ribbon. They wanted you to viscerally remember the price they paid for […]

I Love Television

C’mon! Do it! Do it! Do it!

Wm. Steven HumphreyJune 28, 2001 4:00 amJuly 12, 2022 6:59 pm

OMIGOD!! I just came up with the greatest idea, like EVER! And here it is: You simply MUST try out for Temptation Island 2! C’mon! Do it! Do it! Do it! It’ll be heee-larious! Huh? Whaddaya mean you have no goddam idea what I’m talking about? C’mon, you remember Temptation Island! That’s the FOX reality […]

Movies & TV

Robotic Kids for Sale or Rent

Spielberg Mind-Melds with Kubrick for A.I.

Wm. Steven HumphreyJune 28, 2001 4:00 amJuly 12, 2022 6:59 pm

A.I. dir. Steven Spielberg Opens Fri June 29 Various Theatres It’s often been said that the film director’s job is to play god; to create an original world, populate it with people, and then steer them in a way that pleases the creator. But more often than not, the director is more of a demi-god, […]

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