First, an email from a Blogtown reader and my response:

Dear Blogtown Writing Staff:
Please, Shut the fuck up about Justin Bieber already.
-Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:
Thanks for writing! I’ll take your request under consideration.
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…
…
…
Okay, I’ve considered your request, and the answer is “no.” But again, thanks for taking time to write.

yer pal,
Wm. Steven Humphrey
Editor

Besides, how am I supposed to start shutting up about Justin Bieber when there are only FOUR entries left until we celebrate Blogtown’s “100th BIEBER FEVER POST!!!”? Like the brave revolutionaries of Egypt, “BIEBER BELIEVERS WILL NOT BE SILENCED.”

However, I am starting to get the feeling that even Justin Bieber wants me to shut up about Justin Bieber. Why? Because he keeps doing things that he knows is going to annoy me. Like getting a white Lamborghini from P Diddy on his 16th birthday. Like admitting he’s a Christian and writing that stupid Christian song, “Pray.” Like slightly modifying his haircut! And today’s revelation that he’s coming out with a brand new album on Valentine’s Day entitled “Never Say Never—The Remixes”! What’s so annoying about that? JUST THIS:

In addition to the film’s trailer theme song, the project also features remixed collaborations with Rascal Flatts (“That Should Be Me”) and Chris Brown (“Up”) and a live duet with Miley Cyrus (“Overboard”).

WHAT. Jesus fucking Christ, Beebs! Why don’t you just duet with Dick Cheney, Ann Coulter, and the Westboro Baptist Church? BUT I SEE WHAT YOU’RE TRYING TO DO HERE. You’re behaving just like my ex-wife (number two). You’re purposefully trying to dampen my obsession, so I won’t, like, kill myself or do something super drastic when I reach “BIEBER FEVER BLOG POST #100!” (Note: Instead of performing duets with terrible people, ex-wife #2 slept with my brother and set our house on fire.)

I SEE YOUR LITTLE TRICK, JUSTIN! AND IT’S NOT GOING TO WORK. I’m still going to buy 37 copies of what will surely be a horrible album—but to punish you for it, I’m only going to stand in line for two days in anticipation of your upcoming movie Never Say Never in 3-D hitting theaters nationwide on February 11!!! EEEEEEEEEEE!!!! OH GOD, I’M GONNA SQUIRT MY PANTS!!!

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

6 replies on “Dear Justin Bieber: You Can’t Make Me Hate You!”

  1. *You* didn’t get him a Lamborghini for his birthday, so of course his feelings are hurt, and he’s acting out. Singing a duet with Weed-Fiend Miley is a little extreme, though. Next thing you know he’ll be recording a Christmas album with Charlie Sheen.

  2. This does bring up a good point about a feature that should be added to blogtown: the ability to filter out blogtown posts by their tags. That way we can just filter out the bieber fever posts.

  5. Maybe it will include a remix of that hot Romeovoid song from the 80s. Justin and Miley looking at each other lustfully whilst they exclaim “I might like you better if we slept together”. Now that would be something!

  6. In all fairness Mr. Humphrey, once you hit 100, could you STFU on the Bieber for a while? It was funny at first, but it’s getting old.

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