A few select tweets that followed Justin Bieber’s crushing defeat to jazz artist Esperanza Spalding for “Best New Artist” at last night’s Grammy awards:

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Well, at least the last one said, “thank you.” Okay, Portland Bieber Believers! As president of the Belieber Fevers (Troop 412, Northeast Portland Division), I feel I have a moral obligation to step up here and tell everyone to “CHILL THE FUCK OUT.” There’s no reason for this animosity, yet there are MANY reasons for non-imosity. They are as follows:

1) Neither of these guys are new artists—in fact, as Ezra mentioned earlier, Esperanza has been around for quite a long time. Which means, of course, that since he is the “newer” of the two artists, Justin should have won it… but WHATEVER, right?

2) Justin Bieber has everything, Esperanza Spalding has nothing. Bieber has a white Lamborghini; Spalding has a rusty Toyota Corolla. Bieber has a 3-D movie; Spalding has some broken 3D glasses left over from the time she saw Avatar. Bieber plays gorgeous pop hits that resonates with millions of fans across the globe; Spalding plays “jazz.” Which I understand is very popular among older liberal arts professors.

3) The Grammys have absolutely no bearing whatsoever on what’s “good” or “bad” in the recording industry. It only exists to remind us that some people still listen to country music. In fact, had Justin Bieber won the “Best New Artist” award, if would’ve been the most grievous of insults. It’s like being awarded “The Most Awesome Person in the World” by NAMBLA.

4) At least Justin Bieber isn’t dating Esperanza Spalding. If he were? We’d cut a bitch.

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

9 replies on “Grammy Meltdowns: The Bieber Edition”

  1. at least this part is true:

    “The Grammys have absolutely no bearing whatsoever on what’s “good” or “bad” in the recording industry.”

  2. Esperanza performed for the President of the United States of America. Justin will be the President of the United States of America (Congress will gladly overturn that pesky native-born requirement just so Bieber can run).

  3. What is this die in a hole thing? Is this new? Is it bad to die in a hole? Isn’t being dead enough, why does the circumstances matter? Isn’t death by autoeroticasphyxiation a better death to request of someone?

  4. I know your Beiber fetish was supposed to be a parody of an older man’s fascination with an under-aged boy. But no one got the joke about Mayor Sam so it is time to let it die.

  5. @Rusty!: Dying in a hole certainly saves time if you’re in a hurry to be buried … and who isn’t in a hurry these days? “Die in a booth at Jake’s Famous Crawfish!” would be a bit more original, though.

  6. If you’re thinking about things in the ground, you’re thinking about the wrong kind of hole. Mind you, the other kind of hole probably isn’t the worst place to die either, at least you’d be happy at the time.

    I’d go with “Die by being force fed Cadbury Creme Eggs”. Because it would start out heavenly for the first one or two, then go downhill rapidly as the gooeyness took over your soul from the inside.

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