Despite countless warnings, the entire staff of the Mercury has once again been caught watching porn—but this time, they're being BLACKMAILED! What follows is an email sent to the Mercury's general email account last night (grammatical errors left intact for your enjoyment):
You can visit the police station but nobody can help you.
I dont live in your country. So nobody can trace my location even for 5 weeks.
This is my last warning!
We upload a malware on your devise.
We turned on your web-camera, during your porn-site visit.
Now I have a video material with you, touching your intimate parts.
We downloaded your contactlist and if you want us to keep this secret you should pay 600 USD in bitcoin.Use this bitcoin address for payment
14cNqeDxBk6mfM7bFn6xyo6Tp7B2V3DvAJ
(something like a credit card number)
Yоu hаvе 24 hours аftеr rеading. When I gеt transfer I will destrоy the vidеоtаpе evеrmоrе.
If you need 50 hours just Open the calculator on your desktop and press 555999
Оthеr way I will send thе taрe to аll your cоllеaguеs and friеnds.
Think about the ignominy.
Dear Mercury employees: WAY TO GO, DUMBASSES! I'm not exactly sure when you all found time to watch porn and masturbate together (was it during my dentist appointment last week?), but 1) we don't have $600 in bitcoin lying around to give to some douchebag European hacker, and 2) I would report all of you to our human resources department, except apparently our HR people were watching porn and masturbating too! WHEN WERE YOU PEOPLE PLANNING ON GETTING ANY WORK DONE?!?
Okay, those are all the questions I have for our staff FOR NOW. However I also have queries for this hacker...
Dear Douchebag European Hacker: While I appreciate you alerting me to my staff's masturbatory work habits, I hope you can help clear up some of the more confusing aspects of your letter.
1) Why would you ever think we would go to the police for help with this problem? They're far too busy being taxpayer funded personal escorts for Patriot Prayer. (Besides, your claim they could catch you within "5 weeks" is a little too generous.)
2) Did you mean "device" when you wrote "devise"? Or is this some kind of weird word butchery like when the Brits spell "color" like "colour"?
3) The sentence "Now I have a video material with you, touching your intimate parts," makes it sound like you were in the video with my employees, touching their intimate parts. If this is the case, YOU OWE ME 600 BITCOINS, MOTHERFLIPPER!
4) I can pretty much guarantee everyone on the Mercury's contact list knows we masturbate, and have probably masturbated with us at one time or another.
5) I'll admit it, I have no idea how bitcoin works, and it makes my head hurt just thinking about it. Would you accept some other form of payment, like HUMP! T-shirts from 2014, or maybe advertising trade for your masturbation blackmail business? I could even come up with a snappy tagline for you, like, "So you've been caught diddling your loin? Make it go away with 600 bitcoin!"
6) "When I gеt transfer I will destrоy the vidеоtаpе evеrmоrе." This is the most intriguing sentence in your letter. Very poetic.
7) Actually this is the most intriguing sentence in your letter: "If you need 50 hours just Open the calculator on your desktop and press 555999." I had NO IDEA you could send messages via calculators! HEY AT&T, GO FUCK YOURSELF AND YOUR $30 PER MONTH UNLIMITED TEXTS PLAN!!
8) JK! This is BY FAR the most intriguing sentence in your letter: "Think about the ignominy." At first I laughed and laughed at your use of this obviously made-up word, until I found out IT'S A REAL WORD! For those reading this, "ignominy" means "disgrace or dishonor," and to our hacker, for correctly using that word alone, the Mercury is happy to pay you 600 bitcoins (whatever that is) AND you can keep the video of us masturbating! (But can you email me back? I keep plugging "600" into my calculator, and nothing's happening.)
Sincerely,
Wm. Steven Humphrey
Editor-in-Chief
Portland Mercury
