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GOP Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene: Id like to speak to the manager about all the Democratic lizard people, please!
GOP Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene: "I'd like to speak to the manager about all the Democratic lizard people, please!"

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! Promise you, won't even have an attitude. I'll let you sit right next to me... don't join the list with the other fools. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• A severe COVID outbreak has swept through the Inverness Jail in Northeast Portland, infecting 107 inmates since last Thursday, largely due to inaction from jail officials and staff. Our Alex Zielinski has more on this deeply disturbing story.

• Gov. Brown set the expectation that Oregon teachers would be vaccinated in two weeks so the state could get to the job of providing doses to the elderly. Surprise! That prediction didn't pan out, and it will take weeks to get even the second shot into educators.

• A new House bill introduced by Speaker Tina Kotek could put a damper on Mayor Wheeler's homeless sweeps, by allowing the houseless to camp on public land in the midst of a housing crisis.

• The pandemic has greatly affected all industries—especially the creators of pop culture. Our Blair Stenvick reviews movies, podcasts, music, and more in their new column called "Streaming the Pandemic" about works that are particularly informed by the lockdown (including the movie Locked Down)!

IN NATIONAL NEWS:

• As a beautiful, crystal clear example showing how divided and fucked up the GOP is, they are currently battling over who to punish more: QAnon and insurrection supporting crackpot Marjorie Taylor Greene or Liz Cheney, who had the audacity to vote to impeach Trump. (*deep satisfied sigh*) You hate to see it.

• As expected, Busy Bee Biden pooh-poohed the Republicans' laughably small COVID relief plan and is pushing Dems to go big and push through his aid package (and if some GOP members get trampled in the process... well, too bad, so sad).

• It took a month longer than usual, but House Minority Turtle Mitch McConnell has finally seen the writing on the wall and has handed his gavel over to Chuck Schumer, allowing Democrats to take control of committee chairmanship.

• GOOD COVID NEWS, Y'ALL! According to Oxford University research, the AstraZeneca vaccine gives 76 percent protection from the coronavirus for up to three months, and after just one dose. (Comparatively, flu vaccines are effective 67 percent of the time.) Unfortunately a new virus mutation in the UK by the name of E484K has emerged and seemingly has the ability to limit the protection of vaccines, and has been given the whimsical nickname of "Eeek." (Too soon, funny scientists.)

• Dr. Anthony Fauci is warning people to stay away from Super Bowl parties for fear of causing another virus surge, to which some people responded, "Wait... they're having a Super Bowl this year?" (Okay, fine. "Some people" is me.)

• Jeff Bezos, Amazon's milder version of Lex Luthor, is stepping down from his position as CEO of the company and will be replaced by someone who thinks and acts exactly like him. Okay, so what was the point of that again?

* The Golden Globe nominees have been released with Mank, The Trial of the Chicago 7, and Nomadland leading the pack.

• Today in "DEFUND CHRISTIANITY": "Second grade girl expelled from Christian school over girl crush, mom says."

• If you need "funny": There are tons of laughs and some hilarious nationally recognized comedians on deck for the next I, Anonymous Show, streaming into your eyes TONIGHT Wednesday, February 3!

• Let the bells ring and the confetti fall! The HUMP! 2021 Film Festival is NOW STREAMING ONLINE, featuring an array of hot 'n' horny amateur dirty flicks submitted by hot people like YOU. Get your tickets pronto!

• Now let's extend our eyes to the skies for the WEATHER: A
drier afternoon awaits with a high of 48!

• And finally, for those about to turn 25... here's what you can expect.